Advice please - paranoid or justified?

[Fedup46]

I'm 47, left long term partner of 26 yrs and father of my older teenage girls in 2001, went online dating, horrendous experience with a guy that turned out to be married and honestly the details are beyond belief but slightly relevant to the now situation because I have zero trust. A couple of other brief relationships that also turned out to be with lying men.

Fast forward... I'm dating a guy who is in the armed forces.. essentially a couple of red flags..
1 his phone is always set to line busy if I ever try to call

2 his WiFi/data is beyond sketchy and often messages don't go through

3 I asked about his recent dating history and he said his last short relationship was as follows..."Well she wasn’t tall as you are but certainly was beautiful and very sweet, But you both are different and unique in your own ways
Mutual it was when ended because she moved away, she was a lovely lady I must say" I only asked if she was anything like me, I appreciate his honesty but frankly I feel it was unnecessary detail, a bit insensitive and I would never have done similar to him.
Am I being unreasonable!?

Is he Yoda?

I think maybe you’re the red flag,I’m sorry. What an appalling question, to ask him to compare and his answer was lovely, you must have wanted him to put her down or big yoh up? I’d assume you’ve some issues, insecurity, jealousy, low self esteem, because none of this is ok op. I’m sorry.

Lilliesandjasmine

Frustrated with your reply a bit. Online forums are harsh - I was warned! I'll try to focus on the constructive feedback.

Op, you went through some experiences that understandably make you question everything about men. However, you are expecting this one to heal what others have broken. Your expectations of him are a bit unreasonable in my opinion, it’s like you are dumping all your emotional load on him and expecting him to deal with it.

He may be a walking red flag, he may be not, you’ve asked question pretty directly and you were given answers in the same fashion. Had he talked rubbish about his ex would have been another red flag. Yes, his ex was beautiful and they broke up but so are so many other people’s exes. He is with you now.

If you are in doubt just listen to your gut feeling because as plausible as his explanations could be you’ll always have a thought in the back of your mind that won’t let you rest at night.

Lilliesandjasmine

For your consideration when responding to posts, I showed it to many people and Chatgpt .... Confirmed you are quite unkind and no emotional intelligence.

"The comment from the other user is harsh and may not fully consider the context of your feelings and past experiences. While it's possible that your question might have come from a place of insecurity or a need for reassurance, it's not uncommon to seek validation in a new relationship, especially if you've been through difficult or traumatic experiences before.However, the way the commenter responded lacks empathy and is not constructive. Instead of labeling you as the "red flag" and assuming negative intentions behind your question, a more supportive approach would have been to acknowledge your feelings and suggest healthier ways to address your insecurities."

"Yes, I would agree that the comment was unnecessarily unkind and inflammatory. While it's important to address concerns about insecurity in relationships, the way the commenter approached it lacked empathy and understanding. Their response seemed more focused on criticizing you rather than offering constructive advice or support."

I agree with @LLilliesandjasmine. If you don't want the answers, don't ask the questions

And your reply to @LLilliesandjasmine was quite frankly, bonkers. Are you unable to think for yourself?

Guy you were dating gets asked “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” questions that he can’t possibly answer exactly the way you like because at the end of the day he’s not you. He has his own thoughts, personality, life experience and everything that makes him, him.
You accuse another poster of lack of empathy when your response to your unfair question showed your own lack of empathy and respect for the guy you were dating.
Frankly, you do not sound ready to date and have a lot of work to do on yourself. You certainly shouldn’t be dating someone with a job that often demands they put service before self. I don’t think you could handle the reality of life with someone on deployment to heavens knows where. It’s a tough life for even the most secure person.

Putting a response through ChatGPT is just weird. You have a brain able to interrogate information for yourself. Use it. Because you don’t like a response doesn’t make it less valid, and the poster will answer your question their own way from their own personal perspective and experiences. That’s the whole point of posting on a forum, to get different perspectives. If you can’t handle that then cut out the middle person and go straight to ChatGPT.

And yes, if you do weird shit like putting someone’s answers through ChatGPT because you need something to tell you whether or not you’re being cray-cray, that’s a massive red flag. I cringe to think you may have done this to the poor guy you were dating too. Maybe also cut out the middle person and just date an AI.

In the points you raised OP I did not like the fact that the answer to his recent relationship history rhymed as if it is a made up answer he dishes out with all new dates when asked.
I have a high red flag alert too.

As to the signal issues: I battle with similar so is totally believable to me. If I were dating and someone got all twitchy about it I would decide I couldn’t deal with that level of insecurity. I also actively don’t want to be permanently attached to my phone. I know someone who does high security work who has phone put in locker while at work. He’s not available to respond to you immediately 100% of the time and it’s freaking you out. You don’t trust your own judgment. This relationship is not healthy as a result.