Is there someone you can’t let go of?

[Namechangedforthis777]

Was just reading the ‘anyone else trying not to contact a guy’ thread and it made me think about my ex. Didn’t feel appropriate to post on there as we’re no longer in contact and haven’t been for years, but I still think about him far too much a lot.
We met when we were at school. Got married early 20s. Separated early 30s. He’s now with someone else (so am I) and has kids (so do I).
The thing is, though, I think about him far too much. Most days, in fact. Not because I wish we were still together but because I’m still very bitter about things. (Long story but basically he couldn’t bear to be the bad guy, so after we separated, he strung me along for years, pretending there was a chance we might get back together.) I often sometimes wish someone hurts him the way he hurt me. (Not very nice, I know! And I think I’m normally a reasonably nice person. But clearly not when it comes to him.)
I KNOW it’s not healthy but I can’t quite let go. And when I say it’s been years, I’m now late 40s, so it’s been over 15 years!!
He was my first, though, and he hurt me so much, not just because he broke it off but because he was such a coward and strung me along for so long. (He was even, I realised later, seeing the woman he’s now married to while pretending to me we might still have a chance.)
But why can’t I let it go? I sometimes think it’s a bit of an obsession and perhaps I should have counselling. But I really wouldn’t say I hate many people and yet I hate him. Maybe it’s just because I never got the chance to tell him that?
Anyway, can you please share your stories of people you can’t quite stop thinking about? If only to make me feel less alone with my vitriol!

I haven’t been angry at someone for that length of time, but it’s been nearly three years since I saw someone I was madly in love with. The feeling was mutual but we couldn’t be together and he was a coward. I still think about him a lot.

I got over the feelings of anger though by realising it was really just misdirected anger at myself. I fixed a lot and healed a lot, and I’ll never put myself in a similar situation again. I now feel very neutral about him.

I think misdirected anger must be very common — and I’m sure much (if not all) of mine is. I’m angry at him for ending things the way he did (ie, not really quite ending things), for being so cowardly (maybe there’s a thing about cowards?) and for lying to me. But mainly I’m angry at myself for wasting so many years pining after him… I’m glad you’ve got to a better place now.

I think everything you feel and think is very normal. You married that person and obviously thought you would spend forever together. For it not to work out and to feel strung along and mistreated is a big deal.

I do, however, think that after so much time you deserve some peace and to put him out of your head. Have you ever thought about a course of therapy to help you talk things out and gain some closure within yourself? I had things I was holding onto for a long time and thought I’d never get over, after some time being in therapy one day it really clicked with me that my mindset had somehow shifted. While I still remember the situation, it doesn’t control me and I don’t have bitter/angry feelings anymore. This has allowed me to be more present and my quality of life has greatly improved.

How about writing a letter to him saying everything you need, but instead of sending it, burn it. Could be cathartic, watch the flames and tell yourself enough is enough and to let it go

Yeah a FWB had an amazing connection, still talk as mates but have a massive what if now. I feel so calm when we see each other (like my generally anxious over chatting brain switches off) and one of the only people I can truly open up to. I imagine if we had or could in the future make a go of things it would actually not work!

Therapy is probably a very good idea. I do think I’ve probably not had closure (hate that word!) because I never really got to tell him how badly I think he behaved.
It’s great you’ve managed to let go of things. It’s funny how sometimes we can want to let go but can’t quite — until, somehow, the time is right.

Yes and it irritates me a lot. A short fling of a few months, neither of us did anything wrong, we just never really got going properly. It stays on my mind because he got married to the next person he dated and it was very quick, under a year. I had to stop following him on socials because it got to me so much.

This is a great idea. Will definitely try this. Thank you.

Ah, that sounds so frustrating. Do you really not think it could ever work?

I have someone I totally fell for and had an amazing drunken encounter with 15 years ago. I was with someone else and didn't pursue it, although I wasn't particularly happy in my relationship. I still regret it so keenly to this day.

I can see why that would be frustrating. I guess sometimes it can be right person, wrong time? Or not even wrong time as such — but for whatever reason, it just doesn’t work. Under a year is really quite quick though!

I’m really sorry you still regret it, but selfishly, it helps to hear someone else can’t quite let go. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could turn back the clock?

My first. We were together for a long time. He never stopped thinking about me, nor me him. Both got married and had a child/children. We chat now. See each other. I'm divorced but 100% not because of him. But because my ex h was a dick. I'll never get over him and actually I'm fine with that.

That’s interesting you’re fine with that. Maybe I need to accept that it’s the same for me? (Except in my case I can 100% guarantee he doesn’t feel the same — in fact, I’d guess he barely even thinks about me.) There is something about your first, though, I think. Do you think you might ever get back together?

Well i wasn't expecting that to be about hating someone! Every time I find myself irrationally or disproporrionately angry at someone it was exactly like the first reply called it, misdirected anger at myself. This is about how you allowed yourself to be messed around. You did this to yourself.

Yes it would! I feel like such an idiot. Thanks to the wonder of Facebook I can see he is happily married to a woman who looks just like me. I am in a sexless relationship which is ok most of the time but not what I could have had.

Once I realised I never would it actually took away all the pain.

I do.

Sorry i meant disproportionately* angry

I still think about my ex husband a lot. We got together when I was 24 and separated at 32, finally divorced at 34. I find myself feeling angry with him a lot because he sold me a lie. I had things I wanted to do in my life that I made clear to him from the beginning, he said he wanted those same things but once we were committed, owned a house together etc he would constantly give excuses and those things never happened and eventually I realised that they never would and left. But I still struggle with it because on one hand he was my best friend and that's why I married and loved him, but I feel like I lost out on 8 years of my life while I was with him because I was constantly waiting to live it. We literally did nothing, he never wanted to go out or go anywhere or do anything, we were at home all the time. It meant that I met my partner and had children older than I would have liked. When I meet other older mums they often say that they had children older because they were doing really cool things with their life, travelling, etc. I wasn't and I feel like I don't have anything to show for those 8 years. I get so angry at him about that and find it hard to let go, but at the same time I also feel guilty for leaving because I had promised him a life together and I backed out of that which I know he didn't expect.

We both have ended up trying to work things out with our ex’s, which I’m very much trying to focus on (even though it is not great atm) I dunno it was meant to be a hook up and a year later we are still chatting, we had a thing for 6 of the months. In terms of why I’m not sure it would work, I think we liked the idea of each other but in the 6months it never got to a relationship, we have insane chemistry but he’s a troubled guy deep down. I think we would have a great thing for maybe a year but I dunno if it could ever be long term. I sometimes think it’s a bit of a we were going through a shit time bond and he pulled me out of a hole and me with him.

Did you make him responsible for all your feelings whilst you were in a relationship together? Are you waiting for him to validate your anger, even now?

I don’t know I agree with this actually. I agree re misdirected anger but ‘you did this to yourself’ seems to blame me/exonerate him — and he definitely played a (big!) part in it all, including being massively dishonest.

I don’t actually know what you’re asking here. I mean, I understand the words, but I don’t know what you mean by them! I’m not waiting for him to validate my anger, no. But I wish I could tell him how angry I am because I think it would help me to know he knows, if that makes sense.

Sometimes I think we connect with the wrong person at the right time (or the right person at the wrong time); it can feel really intense but, as you say, might not work long term. That doesn’t mean it’s any less important — but I guess some things aren’t meant to last for ever.
I’m sorry things aren’t great for you with your ex-ex atm…

I can see what you mean about accepting you’ll never get over it. It’s almost like giving yourself permission to feel the way you do…
I hope you do get back together!