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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband always thinks talking and sex solve everything

50 replies

Ciarasteina · 08/08/2024 19:56

Yesterday, my husband humiliated me when I was talking to him about content for a story I was writing. I was shocked and angry, as we've have these chats before and he always said he enjoyed them!

I left the room to clear my head and do chores and later told him that I was not happy with his "aggressive belittling of me" while I was being open and vulnerable to him. We have a deal where if he's interrupted me, I will immediately end the conversation and walk away... Which is exactly what happened.

In the bedroom, while I was getting ready for sleep, he apologized, said he enjoyed my stories and wanted me to continue. I said "don't worry, I won't give you any reason to be a "d" again, I'm not talking to you about my ideas anymore. Again, he apologized, disregarding what I had just said.

Then he wanted sex... We had a huge fight just a week ago, where he said I used sex as a weapon, so I told him I'll never say no to him, even if I'm not in the mood. He apparently forgot about that, so I allowed him to use my body (consensually, I did agree to it, without pressure, just didn't care to). He got off, of course, while I obviously didn't. He asked if he could do anything for me and I said he could get off of me so I could shower and go to sleep.

Cut to the next day and he thinks everything from last night is done and dusted, so I had to remind him "just because we had a talk you didn't listen to me about and had sex I wasn't in the mood for, doesn't mean we're ok, or even "better", as he said he thought things were today.

Now he's ignoring the situation altogether and wants to talk about anything else (I'm currently typing this while he's rambling about sushi or some BS). What the heck do I do?

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 08/08/2024 19:58

I told him I'll never say no to him, even if I'm not in the mood. He apparently forgot about that, so I allowed him to use my body (consensually, I did agree to it, without pressure, just didn't care to). He got off, of course, while I obviously didn't. He asked if he could do anything for me and I said he could get off of me so I could shower and go to sleep.

This has to be one of the most depressing things I've ever read on here. That's not a marriage, OP. You will lose your sense of self if you stay with this man.

Foxblue · 08/08/2024 20:01

Sorry.
I'm going to be really graphic here: don't you think it's a bit fucking wildly concerning that he's happy to have sex with someone he knows doesn't want to have sex with him?
If you woke up tomorrow, and found yourself wanting to and going on to have sex with someone who you knew didn't really want it, wouldn't you be a bit worried about yourself???

Ciarasteina · 08/08/2024 20:02

Slight update: I told him about this post and he said "just because you felt insulted, doesn't mean I insulted you. They're similar but not the same."

OP posts:
AnnaSewell · 08/08/2024 20:02

I can't understand why you would have sex with your partner if you don't feel affection or desire. I don't think doing this helps you to communicate honestly.

Velvian · 08/08/2024 20:04

WTF won't you ever say no to him? That is absurd. Your body is yours, not your husband's. Why did you agree to sex last night, when he had just treated you so poorly?

NuffSaidSam · 08/08/2024 20:05

You can see why he thought everything was ok...he apologised and then you had sex with him.

I'd work on firming up your boundaries, starting with only having sex when you want to.

Gonk123 · 08/08/2024 20:05

you sound cold and clinical with your relationship.

Wisterical · 08/08/2024 20:07

He's never allowed to interrupt you and you've decided to have sex with him whenever he wants? This is a hugely fucked up relationship.

Shiningout · 08/08/2024 20:07

Why are you telling him to 'use your body'??

MissyB1 · 08/08/2024 20:08

What a weird relationship. You let him use your body? Where is your self respect?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 08/08/2024 20:10

In what way did he humiliate you?

I think I would find you very difficult to be in a relationship with because I would never know where I stood.

StormingNorman · 08/08/2024 20:12

I don’t think you sound very nice.

Cubex · 08/08/2024 20:12

What the heck do I do?

leave? You’re so ground down you’ve basically agreed to be a human sex toy, so he gets his pleasure while you just lay there? Doesn’t it gross tou out that he’s happy to do that when it’s clear you’re not happy or a willing participant in the sex?

Ciarasteina · 08/08/2024 20:13

Wisterical · 08/08/2024 20:07

He's never allowed to interrupt you and you've decided to have sex with him whenever he wants? This is a hugely fucked up relationship.

Tbf, we both have a history of interrupting each other. That rule goes both ways.

OP posts:
Polyp0 · 08/08/2024 20:13

You do realise that interruptions are a natural part of conversation?

Ponderingwindow · 08/08/2024 20:15

sometimes I’m not exactly in the mood, but I do have sex anyway because I enjoy the connection with my spouse. I also know his sex drive his higher than mine. I never agree when I actively don’t want to, it more when I know I’m not in the mental headspace to orgasm, but I’ll still enjoy the overall experience. I just might tell my husband not to focus too much on the foreplay because it’s a waste of time and will just frustrate both of us. That is what people mean when they say do it even if you’re not in the mood because the stress of life is making it hard to get there. Not do it no matter what, they mean try to nudge yourself to yes if you are borderline.

what you agreed to is not a couple communicating and finding connection. It’s demoralizing and awful.

i can see why you don’t feel like you can really communicate your feelings if he thinks a brief conversation can fix a huge insult.

where you are in your marriage right now is really unhealthy. If you wanted to just leave, very few people would blame you. If you want to try to make it better, you probably are going to need outside help. There is no guarantee counseling will work, but just letting yourself fade away in this status quo to keep the peace is not a good idea.

That is what you are doing. Just agreeing to have sex. Not sharing your hobby. You are hiding the best parts of yourself from the person you are supposed to trust the most. It can keep a marriage going. It’s what I did towards the end of my first marriage. It actually made my XH think we were getting along better. I was dying inside though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2024 20:15

MounjaroUser · 08/08/2024 19:58

I told him I'll never say no to him, even if I'm not in the mood. He apparently forgot about that, so I allowed him to use my body (consensually, I did agree to it, without pressure, just didn't care to). He got off, of course, while I obviously didn't. He asked if he could do anything for me and I said he could get off of me so I could shower and go to sleep.

This has to be one of the most depressing things I've ever read on here. That's not a marriage, OP. You will lose your sense of self if you stay with this man.

Quite. Any man that would accept that for sex is a very bd man.

Gonk123 · 08/08/2024 20:16

Ciarasteina · 08/08/2024 20:13

Tbf, we both have a history of interrupting each other. That rule goes both ways.

To walk away from an interruption is over the top and for you to fester about it to such a degree is just tiring…

Onehotday · 08/08/2024 20:17

Is this one of your stories?

LostittoBostik · 08/08/2024 20:17

"We had a huge fight just a week ago, where he said I used sex as a weapon, so I told him I'll never say no to him, even if I'm not in the mood"

That's a really manipulative thing to suggest, and not a useful in any way in terms of improving the relationship.

I doubt he forgot about it. I bet he was calling you out on it.

I suggest with kindness that both need therapy. Together and separately.

Justcallmebebes · 08/08/2024 20:18

Gonk123 · 08/08/2024 20:05

you sound cold and clinical with your relationship.

It also sounds extremely toxic from both sides

PaminaMozart · 08/08/2024 20:20

I agree with PPs about the sex thing. Why on earth did you offer sex you don't want - and why is he seemingly happy to use your body in this way?

However........ In what way did he humiliate you about your story? Your stipulation about interrupting seem somewhat passive aggressive. And why were you so quick to walk away instead of at least attempting to have a grown up discussion?

This relationship seems very unhealthy!!

2sisters · 08/08/2024 20:22

Don't ever have sex you don't want. You decide. That doesn't mean you're using sex as a weapon. It means you get to chose. If your husbands being a dick of course you might not feel like being intimate with him. You are not a blow up dolly used for your orifices. You are a human being with feelings. I don't understand why a man would want to fuck someone who wasn't into it. It's gross.

Fifferfefferfeff · 08/08/2024 20:25

I don't know. He apologised twice and then you had sex with him. I'd see that as making up.

It sounds like you said you'd have sex when you didn't want to, the week previously, as a passive aggressive retort, not as a serious suggestion as a way forward in your relationship, surely?

Anyway, if you don't feel his apology was sincere, you probably need to talk ot through together more. It sounds like you feel belittled and dismissed by him and he hasn't acknowledged that or looked at ways to change that.

(And be clear about sex, rather than say yes meaning no.)

Runn8ngOnEmpty · 08/08/2024 20:26

In what way did he humiliate you?

As for this... "so I told him I'll never say no to him, even if I'm not in the mood" that's one of the most depressing and dysfunctional things I've ever read on here - the fact you said it and the fact he's happy to have sex with a woman who doesn't want to.