Dh Anger-outbreaks

[PerkyTraybake]

Just have some issues..
Been together many years with dh. Have two children.
Dh have surprising anger-outbreaks.. had for many years.
Like when I suggested the same doctor for my sons scheduled appointments, dh yelled at me saying I am creating huge amount of problems with my sons anxiety. (Ds are very anxious about hospitals, thats why I think it would be easier to meet the same doctor)
Or when he forgot to bring home Dds water bottle from school, he shouted at me that I were giving the "wrong" water bottle and how everything is my fault. Thats the reason why he forgot to bring it home..
And soo many more stories has happened in the same topic..
I have tried to just swallow everyting to calm him down. Never shouted back. For the kids sake. Because we are all frightened when he is shouting. We just want it to stop.
He has never apologized.
Between these happening. He is a quite normal person.

I feel my feelings are gone. I cant get them back. But I feel very guilty for my childrens sake for this. It feels selfish to not be with them all the time, if I decide to leave.

Has anyone been in the same situation, or just have some advices?

He is abusing your children as well as you, and they are frightened of him. What else can I say to persuade you that you have to take your children and leave this awful man.

Thanks for answer.
But he will then have them 50%.

ghastly home life for your children op

How old are the dc? Older enough to decide if they see him? Court welfare would be interested in the abuse of your dc.

perhaps better alone with them

because not much could be worse for them than what you describe being around

They are 9 and 11

Why would he have them 50% of the time if you divorced? My ex had our dc one afternoon a week.

Better 50% with escape to calm home than 100 %.

Our last vacaytrip in Spain, I walked about 20 min with the kids to the grocery store to get some lunch just. While we were there the kids almost fell because of the heat (I know its my fault letting them come with me.. but I didnt expect it to be THAT hot)

I called my dh with my oh so nicest voice just to kindly ask if he would mind just picking up us with the car. Just a simply question.
He got so angry for me putting him in a stressful situation he said. And then he just let the phone down in my ear.

Look up emotional abuse. Then look at your marriage. He is abusing you and your children. You have options but your children do not. They are at his mercy, and yours. By knowingly staying with someone who frightens your children you are also abusing them. Does that thought upset you? Does that thought upset you enough for you to seriously think about leaving?

Right now the children are being abused 100% of the time. If you split they will be abused 50% of the time. Surely that has to be better? Of course your H might not want them 50%. Your children are also old enough to refuse to go to him. By the time it goes to court the judge will accept their wishes anyway. In which case that percentage falls to zero.

Start the process. You can do it

You and your children are being terribly abused.
Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.
Your children will carry the scars of his anger and abuse into adulthood.

Please take some action to protect them, they have suffered enough.

You and your children are both scared of him.That would be enough for me. For goodness sake protect your children, you are all walking on eggshells to appease this horrible man. As pps have said contact Womens Aid asap to seek advice on how to leave him safely.

What makes you think the children will want to be with him 50% of the time?

Has he said he will have them 50/50 if you split?

Ultimately you can't prevent that even if you go to a refuge it's likely he will get some contact but I can't help to feel your children would be less anxious without him

Thank you all!
Oh I so need to hear this, to get the strength. I am so scared of saying the words to him.
But Yes you all are right. 50% safe home is better than 100% eggshells.

Children of 9 and 11 will have their opinion taken into account and won't force an 11 to see someone they don't want to see.

All these abusive men threaten to have their kids 50% or even 100%.

Hardly any of them actually do much more than one or two days every second weekend. And then they stop that when move in with another woman and her children.

They move in quickly because they need the ego boost and live in staff. And also because it reduces their child maintenance.

Make sure you have a plan in place before you tell him. As you are married you will have to split the assets in the divorce. Make copies of any bank or pension statements, copies of your mortgage papers. Make sure you have a separate bank account for your wages and child benefit. Take out your share from any joint accounts. You will need more marriage certificate, passports and birth certificates etc.

Decide where you will live (look on rightmove for prices, contact EA) and make sure you have saved enough funds, or if family will take you in. Only when you are ready do you tell him. Women's Aid or your GP might be able to signpost you to local help. Let the school know too when you leave. Good luck

Op please don’t be scared to leave and I doubt he will have them
50% of the time. He is abusive and your kids cannot be forced by the courts to live with him on regular basis. You sound lovely by the way , a caring kind lady. My ex H was like this to the point where I would have a panic attack before he came home from work due to this terrible temper that came from nowhere.
Please reach out to Women’s Aid for some help in real life to help support you. Even if you can’t leave immediately do call them for support, they can help you stay safe.

Has he suffered any major trauma, abuse or neglect as a child? Parents issues? Particularly from with his dad? These kind of experiences in young age can come out later in life in presenting immense unexplained rage, sometime mounting to personality disorder of some sort. It's probably not personal against you but it has cumulative effect and is very damaging.

Or he might just be an abusive bully?

People typically don't turn bullies all of a sudden with no reason. Almost certainly he has been bullied himself or suffered trauma or some emotional abuse. I don't justify him, but if there is a link that's a start for a very different conversation. If there is a will and empathy maybe therapy?

Thank you for all supportive messages. I will try and get strength. I am talking to a counselor, and try to build myself strong again.

That is not a reason to stay.

50/50 is a threat to keep you in line.
Classic threat from the abusers handbook.

You can have a much better life.
Just reach out for support.

I talked to him yesterday and said that we cannot communicate. We dont understand eachother.
And that I wont stand it anymore. I said if this happens once more, then that will be the last time. Hej got angry and left, and said that I was threatening him.
Maybe I did.
But I am glad I had the strength to at least say this.
Thank you all.