Why is my mum beign such a bag and what can I do?

[bohemianbint]

Recently have had a few issues with my mum; she's done some crap things (cutting DS's hair without asking, telling everyone I was pregnant when we specifically asked not to, to name but two) which I have had to bring up with her.

I've been very diplomatic and every time she has responded by being incredibly defensive and angry, and really quite horrible to me. I can't leave DS with my parents until we iron a few things out but it doesn't seem possible to have a rational conversation; the t&c's of them looking after him seem to be that they can do whatever they like, ignore everything I say and if I do dare to raise issues with my mum I get my head bitten off and told I'm all kinds of pathetic. (We're not talking small things here either, she actually won't fasten the car seat in, won't learn how, won't call us to ask for help with it.)

We're getting married in a couple of weeks and wanting immediate family and no fuss - parents blew it into something massive and started dictating who must be invited. So we said we wouldn't bother having anyone there. We have since sorted the situation, but my mum came round all shitty last night having a go and saying she "wasn't being blamed for us not doing anything", when actually no one had said anything of the sort and my dad had been as bad.

I just don't know how to handle paranoia and aggressiveness like that and I really don't need the stress at nearly 6 months pregnant. She won't help to sort any of the issues that need straightening but you can tell there's a very thin veneer of civilty under which she's dying to have a go at me. It's leaving a very bad taste and souring the whole wedding thing.

What can I do about this? Would really appreciate some advice as it's really wearing me down.

That sounds really awful - has she always been like that, or has it come on recently? I certainly would never have left a child with anyone who had no intention of taking care of them properly, so you're definitely in the right on that, and your wedding ought to be yours not hers to mess up... Does her behaviour, or is she just always niggling?

Sorry not to be able to suggest anything, but you have my sympathy....

of course that should be "Does her behaviour change"

You sound as if you are dealing with things so calmly and reasonably -- it must be so unbelievably stressy for you!

Can't think what would help but it sounds like the only thing to clear the air properly would be a huge blow up. Obviously not very desirable. Can you say to her Mum you've obviously got things on your mind -- let it all out.
Then let her say it all, so she gets everything off her chest, then ask her if she feels any better.. and if she would like you to give your side. She seems to be steaming about something, and once she's actually said it out loud she may be able to become more reflective about it, and considerate of you.

Thanks for the replies.

She was always like this when I was growing up, total control freakery. When I left home I went far away and came back rarely so we got on better, and I thought things had changed.

Since having a baby though, and living close again, it's forced things to light that we don't agree on, which has started all of this; it's basically alright if I keep my mouth shut and don't complain but I can't do that when it affects my child. Am quite tempted to move far away again!

I know it sounds trite but am wondering if it's anything to do with the menopause that's making her bonkers, I know it is affecting her in other ways... Am also debating trying to get to talk to my dad on his own as he tends to be more rational, but it would be very hard to get him by himself.

The menopause may not be helping, but it sounds like she just hadn't changed as much as you'd hoped. And having another generation around always affects the dynamics...

On the practical side, I'd say you have to set ground rules about basic child care and safety - this is your child not hers, so she is not the one who sets the rules. If she can't agree that, then you can't leave your child with her. I don't know if that makes things difficult for you, but she really has to understand things like child seats are not optional.

For other stuff, my suggestion would be to not tell her anything you don't want her to pass on, and make sure you only give her the minimum info at the last minute about anything else - that's hard, because it means you don't actually have her to talk to in any meaningful way, but it stops her messing things up for you.

If you can speak to your Dad separately it might be worth it - maybe he can at least understand that it's not going to be a case of you just putting up with this treatment!

If you haven't already read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward I would suggest you do so as a matter of course. Your parents are toxic including your Dad who seemingly has played the part of passive bystander to your Mum.

Would also suggest you read the most recent "well we took you to stately homes" thread on this Relationships page.

Your Mum's reactions to you are typical of such toxic people. They cannot, will not or never will acknowledge any wrong doing on their part. Toxic parents often become toxic grandparents as well.

I would agree with AMumInScotland; her menopause has not helped but it is certainly not the sole and underlying reason why she is behaving in such a toxic manner towards you. Often such people react in such a way to mask their own insecurities.

If you do speak to your Dad on his own you may not get much of a meaningful response from him either.

Thank you for the advice. Believe me, I won't be discussing anything of any importance with them again. I've always been quite open about everything but I think they interpret that as chance to put their 2p in, and as we don't agree on much when it comes to child rearing that's now a problem.

I am slowly learning to just tell them things or present things as a fait accompli.

But yes, it does shaft us with childcare, as there's no one else. But even if we lay down the law re safety issues, there's stuff you can't even legislate for, like when my mum got hammered and was trying to spray Febreze onto DS's skin. (He's only 20 months, and anyway, WTF!?!) And unless they actually respect where we're coming from with regard to how we bring DS up, whether they think it's bollocks or not, I don't see how we can leave kids with them. Which is sad (and inconvenient!) all round.

Well yes, drunken Febreze-spraying doesn't sound too good really

Nope! And that's one of the things I've not even raised with her yet, or the car seat, and she's stroppy enough already!

The car seat thing is AWFUL.
I remember the hair cut thread too, I would have been livid.
Don't have any constructive advice but wanted to say hang on in there - and hope your wedding goes really well after all the strain.

I would NEVER let anyone put my child in a car without a proper car seat correctly fitted!

Exactly - but how on earth do you get through to someone who seems to not understand the importance, and would rather drive around with the seat flapping all over the place, than pick up the phone and admit she can't fit it?

I guess until she does get it, it can't happen.

Tell her as she sees no problem with risking her grandchild's life, let alone breaking the law, she will not be having him in her sole care anymore (or at least not whereany car travel is necessary).

she sounds completely vile. how dare she ignore your wishes?? she is treating you as 'something', not to be respected. Personally i think you are going t need to be very very tough indeed. and there is no time like the present

BB - SHe sounds like my mum, TBH....

Total control freakery - good expression!!

INO, my mum gets worse as more things seem to be out of her control - the more she feels she has to control the people around her?

My parents also have T&C - which means their way or the high way!!! I've even had to lie to my dad about my dog having allergies because otherwise he overfeeds him to such an extent his eyes and ears start playing up (I have a labrador who would eat until he exploded!)

Again, IMO, the only way to deal with it is to limit the influence they have over you.... As for the car seat, I'd ask the community police officer to come round. That might sound OTT, but my mum ( afew years back) managed to talk a 'friend' in a bank into havnding over my account details etc., I made it totally clear that I'd get her friend sacked if it happened again AND I changed banks (and made it perfectly clear why I was doing it)

She'll probably calm down after the wedding... (BTW< mine also gets all defensive after an argument and refuses to believe anything might have been her problem - she had a right go at me last week, and I ended up in tears, and then she called me because 'other people' were stressing me out!!!)

Oh dear.

The only thing I can think to say is that as she is acting like a child, treat her like one. Ignore the strops and praise the good.

The car seat issue is, however, a no brainer. She just can't be allowed to take him in a car.

This is exactly why I don't want the wedding party thing at their house. It was the first thing they said, "have it here"; on the surface it's a nice offer, but it will mean they are in charge of the day, not us, and that's just not happening. I want them to be guests at our wedding, not running the show.

Besides, then our wedding would just blend into every other party they have, and there's nowhere near enough room. I don't think it would be too special IMO, but I also have to break that to them as well, diplomatically.

I think I will treat her like a child and just communicate with my dad, get him to sort her out.

Oh, that's it EXACTLY - on the surface it's a lovely gesture - and people will be telling you that you are being ungrateful - but you know what's in store!!!

My mum is always offering to do stuff (and needs to feel needed - gets upset if she isn't) but then takes over...

You are right to be wary!!

I have one sister - and we BOTH got married abroad without our parents present - that's got to tell you something, doesn't it????

I think WT is right - you do need to treat her as a child.... I find it easier if I'm always consistent (AKA: the answer is ALWAYS NO!!) - the minute she sees a chink of weakness, I've blown it!!!

What makes it worse is that they can do no wrong in my sister's eyes, she's quite happy to go along with whatever, and my brother stays well out of anything and isn't around much, so all the focus falls on me as being the "shit" daughter. Very difficult when there's no one in the family on my side.

Bohobint, big hugs your way!

My mum is also toxic, and I never ever leave my DD with her - I just couldn't do it.

When we married my DH and I eloped and had a party a few months afterwards - we paid for it so we had final say on guest lists.

I would move away - you'll find that you won't miss her. Really, it's just a stroke of chance that you are her daughter, born at this time, if you think about it philosophically.

I hope things settle down for you and your pregnancy goes well, and I hope your wedding is fab!

Thank you zazen!

She's actually my stepmother, but is my sister's mother, which also means that she can do no wrong and I'm always the black sheep. But yeah, as soon as we can get our acts together (and decide where we want to live) I reckon we'll be off...

BB - My sister also puts up with my mother's behaviour and thinks it's perfectly normal...

Get this for an average day:

Sis goes to my parents for breakfast, which she eats on the bed with my parents
Dad makes sis her packed lunch
Sis goes to work.
After work, sis goes back to parents house, drops off dirty plate / cutlery (for dad to make up for tomorrow) and has dinner with them (her DH often goes too)
while she's at work, mum does her washing and ironing, sorts her house and they do her garden too..

This is EVERY DAY!! She is nearly 40!!!! Tis strange

Youcannotbeserious - Oh, I can so see that being the case with my sister in 20 years time. Weird, innit...

It's not just weird, its toxic behaviour that your parents are displaying. You are their scapegoat. Your brother has understandly distanced himself completely from his dysfunctional parents.

Do you have a relationship at all with your brother?.

Your toxic step mum and your natural father will never accept responsibility for their actions. If you call them on their actions they will likely go on the attack (I will put up some typical such reactions for you).

Your sister may have her own realisation re them one day but because she happily goes along with them she will likely not.

I personally would not let your Dad off either from all this as he has acted as a bystander to her perhaps to give his own self a quiet life.