Depression and anxiety? Or DP problems?

[Chasingthesun18]

My partner is one of those people who is always wound up about something. Whether it's the news, politics, his family, job, strangers in public.. He has always been this way but lately I am really struggling. He walks around in a horrific mood because he says his job is terrible (just like the last job) and is talking about being one step away from hitting someone. He will then start ranting about stuff on the news for no reason and I mostly switch off from it. His frustrations are sometimes towards me but mostly external however I still feel really impacted by having someone rant constantly. I feel like I'm waiting for any small thing to set him off.

Recently I have been feeling overwhelming anxiety and also wondering if I am depressed. I don't enjoy life as much as I used to and don't look forward to birthdays, meals out etc where I used to be someone who always got really excited about stuff. I also feel like I look grey and tired and struggling to have any motivation at weekends to clean house etc. however my work is going good and I actually enjoy going to the office and socialising. I noticed the other day that my anxiety had gone away having been terrible in the morning but better after a day at work until I got ready to go home. Can't really complain about most things in life otherwise (friends family etc). Not trying to put blame solely on to my partner but do you reckon it would be enough to cause depression/anxiety in a person, living in an environment like this? Or could I just be having mental health issues and therefore being less patient?

Oh he is defo the problem here.

The atmosphere he brings and the way he is, is defo the reason why you're feeling like this. Maybe talk to him and tell him how you're feeling and why?

After a while negative moods impact you without you even realising it and the fact it eases when you're at work is defo a major sign.

Thank you for your response. I have tried to talk to him but he says he's not ranting about me so it shouldn't affect me. I feel almost in flight or fight mode at times, can barely breathe for the anxiety in my chest but keep feeling like it surely can't just be because of him. But I don't honestly know why else I feel this way! I don't think he understands how the impact it can have in other people

Oh, this is soul destroying. No wonder you're struggling. It's making my tummy feel odd just thinking about living with someone like that.

I love a good rant but I think there's a certain type of rant which is cathartic and bonding with someone who shares your frustration. This doesn't sound like that. This sounds harsh and a bit scary to me.

How long have you been together? Had it always been like this?

He has always been opinionated but I don't think it was always this bad to the point he is almost being angry. We have been together for about 9 years and lived together for almost 6 so not sure why it's getting to me now. It's stuff like he will slam doors and walk around in a huff if work is really bad too, I don't think he was always like that. I feel like a shell of myself but also feel bad for making it about me you know

This sounds awful OP. I would hate to live with someone so negative, and yes I can imagine it would make me feel stressed and miserable.

It’s very hard op. I am sure he is a big part of the problem. Picture for a moment coming home to someone who was feeling upbeat and wasn’t uptight and angry, but talked about normal stuff, asked after your day etc. Do you envisage the anxiety would lift? It isn’t making it all about you to recognise how he is impacting you. It’s just understanding the situation.

That said, it’s tricky because no one wants to be behaving the way he is. Clearly he is feeling pretty low as well - just as you know how hard the anxiety is to shift and his weighted you feel by it, so too he might burdened by his feelings. He might even be picking up in your mh as well. That doesn’t exonerate him but it also makes it a bit one- dimensional to just say “this is all him.”

Do you think his job is st the root of it? Could you start by exploring ways to change that?

Had a similar conversation with my DH about anxiety over the state of unrest and his constant views of where it’s right and wrong. It’s not directed at me but it does affect me , like you say.

We manage to steer away from news as a self preservation act, but then others want to discuss it and air their views. So yes this will affect you, having such negativity understandably does. unless he’s will to not understand this you will struggle in the relationship and with your own mental health, I hope he sees your point and you reach a compromise x

Living with someone who is angry at the world is going to be incredibly draining and really drag you down.

He is the problem, yes.

This is nothing to do with you.
You've done nothing wrong.

You'll have to tell him to stop ranting at you.
Why should you be his emotional punch bag?
Of course it affects your mental health.

You are enabling the dynamic by just absorbing it.

He's the complainer and you are the sponge who absorbs his 'noise'.

You'll have to stop kneeling and adoring at the altar of his bad mood.

Tell him " you sound angry and you are raising your voice. I've had a tough day and I'd like some peace. Can we talk about this later'".

'Have you thought of talking to the GP about why you are so angry all the time?"

Stop engaging in the content of what he is saying and instead talk about his tone of voice, his body language and the impact of the rants on you.

No matter what job he'll be in this'll happen.

It's him, but he's incapable of self reflection so he assumes it's everyone else's fault.

My DH was like this until I called a halt to it.

I could have been stood naked in the kitchen wearing an orange clown wig and he'd just have come in sighing and moaning about the job again and how terrible everyone else is but not him. Literally not seeing me.

Just an angry monologue.

And that's not relating. It's not a conversation.

He's on antidepressants now and goes to therapy and he's much more self aware.

I think part of it is his job as when he is off work it is more relaxed until something else doesn't go his way. This is not the first time he's felt this way with a job and taken it out on me. He says no one takes responsibility and he gets blamed for everything but I find it hard to believe as he says I do this too! It's always everyone else problem. I feel at the end of my tether with it and not sure what to suggest to him as he will justify it saying I moan too but it's very very different. It's just such hard work and I can't understand being so worked up a out random events on top of everything else. I'm glad i asked this question though as I think it's confirmed my feelings are valid

I divorced my exdh for exactly this. On the whole, he was a good partner he did love me. But his moods were insufferable. Things like, getting angry at traffic lights, or walking through a busy place. I was constantly on eggshells. And over time, 13 years of marriage it wore me down and I too was anxious and very low. Family days out were ruined and I lost my lost for life.
It doesn't get better, no matter how many conversations happen around it.
We now have a good relationship, once he got past the divorce. His moods are no longer my problem.

Thanks for sharing. Same thing here is that he would ruin days out so I no longer plan stuff like that to avoid the meltdowns, or if we do go somewhere I am waiting for him to go off. It really does feel like I try to manage his moods and then causes me anxiety when he is wound up as I can't stop it. He will wonder why I didn't invite him to xyz place but all he will do is moan about other people etc. I think he almost thinks he's above everyone. Really glad that things sound better for you now

You don’t deserve to live like this. It sounds horrible

This is called emotional congestion, he’s in the wrong this couldn’t/ shouldn’t affect you. I really petty you, it’s awful living with someone so negative.

he would ruin days out so I no longer plan stuff like that to avoid the meltdowns, or if we do go somewhere I am waiting for him to go off

No wonder you’re permanently anxious around him.

Tbh his behaviour sounds too ingrained to change and it shouldn’t be your job to learn how to manage his shitty attitude.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

The 'thinking they're above everyone ' resonates. The problem is, I don't think my exdh was even aware, it was an ingrained, innate personality trait. That got worse with age. He was a decade older than me, and he definitely got worse as he got older.
My reactions became physical, the worry caused me chest pains, rapid heart, all the usual anxiety symptoms. And I remember a sinking feeling too, when I had to go home after work. How sad is that?
In hindsight I look at his parents now and realise they both have/had a propensity to negatively view things. They were hard work to please. So I guess it's possibly a genetic/environmental thing growing up. I'm which case, changing him is nigh on impossible.
You deserve much better OP.

God that's quite scary as we are pretty young but perhaps it explains why things are feeling worse now. I think you are right about parents possibly being a cause and I also do not think he is aware of it.

Really relate to the physical reactions too and I can't think of a day that I havent woken up anxious in the last 2 years. It's so sad to actually prefer being at work than going home . I used to look forward to the weekends but for the last year especially I find myself anxious on a Friday evening and couldn't put my finger on why it was. It's such hard work and I think I need to realise ai shouldn't be having to work so hard to manage his reactions.

Getting stomach ache just reading about it OP, it sounds awful
What is your housing situation, is there somewhere you could go to get a break?

I could stay with friends if needed. As I say going to work actually feels like a break at the moment so maybe I do need some space from it to see if it helps

Could you fake a crisis with one of your friends so you can stay with them “Poor Lizzie is struggling at the moment as has split up with her boyfriend / lost her cat / having a career crisis so I am going to stay with her for a few days to support her”.

Gove yourself a few days to see what happens to your mental health and to give you some strength to make the decisions you need to make.

Sadly, I recognise all this all too well! There was a recent thread about a newish relationship with someone with depression, and so many replies about it sucking the joy out of you too. It's awful as we do all mean it with marriage vows and sickness and in health, but it's undeniable that depression is such an intrinsically selfish illness, it's very hard to be with someone unless they can take responsibility and are actively trying to get help. I can't cope with the eggshells any more, or the banging cutlery drawer, dishwasher unloaded in anger at the world and always expecting the worst of people. The post about it coming across as superiority is so true, although for my soon to be ex (and maybe most others?), that's mixed in with huge insecurity. I've realised I can't do it any more and trying to exit, but that's not easy either. I can't wait for the other side and a more joyful home!

Good luck, whatever you decide 🤗

Negativity breeds negativity.
Definitely your partner.
He needs help not you.

Does he show is anger and disappointment to you - and is Mr nice and reasonable to friends?

I think the anxiety is a feeling of being trapped - it’s not easy to leave, lots of stress and emotions so you stay as you are ‘trapped’

What would be the practicalities of you moving out, OP? What's the housing situation with your partner?

Just imagining you able to get in of an evening and lie on the sofa and watch something silly and really enjoy it! Wouldn't that be lovely?

We own a house together so it wouldn't be easy as such to leave but I have a full time job so it would be possible. Yes it would be so nice to come home to a peaceful house and feel like I could relax. I've never really put my finger on why I can't do that but I think I am now realising it