Keeping expectations real...

[thegoatest]

I hope to meet a lovely man, a companion of sorts.
I have been advised , with love, to keep my expectations real.
My expectations are that he will be emotionally mature, kind, compassionate, trustworthy, loyal, hardworking, a family and friend man, intelligent, socially intelligent, believes in equality, humorous, solvent, an excellent father , son and brother , tall, handsome and fresh for his age ie 45+.
Surely this is basic?

Well yes. I consider myself tall, normally
attractive and fresh for my age.

A man will have his own wish list which will differ from yours. The woman's looks will likely be somewhere above her characteristics.

What you'd like and who's out there are two very different things. The older you get, the harder it is to find anyone even half decent. I tried for 3 years before I met my current boyfriend and even then, I've had to accept a lot of things that are way less than desirable.

It is possible. My partner is all of those things. I’m 60 and he’s 62. We met 3 years ago on match.

Just a man not being a cockend is my starting point, anything else is a Billy-Bonus!

The Perfect Man sketch ( Smack the pony). See above

I think my husband is everything on your list. He is lovely and I love him ( married a very, very long time).
I know a lot of my friends who have been happily married forever. However, their husbands come in all shapes and sizes. As do their wives.
I would have hated a man who had a checklist when dating. I don't think I have much about me that would have answered your strict criteria.

I genuinely think most men are attracted to women who like them and show real interest in them.

Attractiveness is subjective. I'd swap some things around in your list if they met other criteria. Why does someone need to look 'fresh' if they tick all other boxes? Looks are skin deep only. My partner is 57. I am 51. We met 12 years ago. He was bald and a bit overweight. I was not haha. But he was an absolute keeper. I don't have a type so that part was easy. We get married in 11 weeks. I wouldnt base anything on looks if they are too good to be true for everything else. And good luck in your search! We all deserve a bit happiness in life

an excellent father , son and brother , tall, handsome

So you wouldn’t consider someone with no kids or siblings? My husband isn’t tall but he’s very fit and extremely good looking and frankly bloody wonderful, he makes me so happy in every way.

The men who meet these criteria will be few and far between and have their pick of women, therefore likely to go for younger and extremely good looking and looks do tend to rank very highly on men’s list of criteria.

Thing is OP a family man at 45+ is likely to be with his family.

And if he's an excellent dad, son, brother he's likely to be an excellent husband as well

And that's where these men are. Married being excellent.

Why didn't you marry one like this first time round?
Surely that was the time to make the list?

Sometimes it feels as if there is no bar at all - just grovelling around on the ground 🤣

It’s a bit like buying a property- sometimes you spot a fixer upper without too much rot

I chose badly the first time. As soon as our first child was born, he turned into a man baby overnight. I genuinely believed I had found a diamond but as much as he thought he wanted to be a husband and father, he simply did not want to do the work that come with those roles.

In the end, I found out he had many affairs through the marriage.
He preferred us young free and single. Still has nothing to do with our kids years on 😞

I think this is the bare minimum you're after op. Though tall and handsome are both subjective and I'd compromise on the former - but they need to be taller than me!

You only need to spend five minutes on Mumsnet to see what some women put up with. I'd rather be single. Someone really needs to be worth my time and energy. I recently dumped a man who met all of your criteria because he just wasn't making enough effort sadly.

What you are asking for is not unreasonable.

To clarify, taller than me, handsome/ attractive to me.
I've been guilty of wondering is the physical attractiveness would grow and giving it time and it never has.
The type of man I'd really enjoy sending my free time with is largely opposite to the type of men I've been in relationships with in the past.
I'm on a group on fb where women are figuring out if their potential for present/ dates are all sorts of things... none positive.
It's awful to watch and read what some women, esp only in the dating stage , tolerate as young and older women, through the eyes of a woman who has been there but has done the therapy and learned the lessons .
Been there, done that and will never be going back to shit quality men.

The thing is that you’ll only find out if he meets all your criteria over time, all those ‘characteristics’ won’t reveal themselves in a month.

How long are you willing to invest in each man you meet until you decide you know him 100% (and he won’t change)?

These attributes should be a given. Pay no heed to anyone trying to convince you to lower your standards (or ‘be realistic’).

I found one at age 50, 2 years after my marriage ended. He’s lovely, I am a nice person too so neither of us would have had any time for anyone who wasn't nice.

Fair point.
I could have sworn my exh would be the best husband and father before I
Married him and
Got that 100% wrong. I was fooled beyond belief.

I think that is what we all want and I was hoodwinked by my ex who said he was all of those things. Turns out he was a manipulative control freak. I think I have all but given up now.

I was reading through your list and I would attribute all of those qualities to my partner! (Oh other than age - he's 37, and also does 5'11 count as tall? 🤣) he has also driven me mad in other ways though so no one is ever perfect but I agree with you that the things you have specified are definitely the things that matter

😂 I was singing/rapping along with this in my head as I was reading it

The OP is also looking for someone single not taken. I guess her question is more around how does find someone like that who hasn't already been snapped up already.