Desperate to have children

[Aloneandunwanted]

Me and my partner have been together for almost 16 years and engaged for 14. He knows that I have always longed to have children and he assures me that he does too. I am 35 now and feel like time is running out. We haven't been intimate for so many years that it I am too afraid to initiate anything in fear of rejection. I have no female friends and no one to confide in. Family members know that all I have ever wanted is a family and I think that they are starting to believe I am unable to have children. Of course I don't say to them that we haven't been intimate for so long, and I'm talking over a decade. It's so embarrassing and humiliating and my self confidence is non existent. Every year I think 'may be this will be the year' and in January we were both talking positively about this being the case. But here we are in August and nothing. I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. I am just feeling so low and so alone.

Can you physically not have sex?

If your both happy with a sexless marriage and want kids go for IVF.

Op can you explain the issue for us? As the other poster says, could you try ivf if intimacy is the issue?

I’m also wondering about your very long engagement. Is there a reason you haven’t progressed to marriage?

am too afraid to initiate anything in fear of rejection

Ok I've re read your post and I'm struggling to understand. If you were desperate enough to have kids that would trump the fear of rejection. Your urge doesn't seem that strong to me.

OP is this the right relationship to start a family?

It doesn’t seem like this is a relationship to bring children into. I think there are a few hurdles before that

is this a happy marriage?
if not
then irrespective of how “desperate” you are, you would be incredibly selfish

I’m guessing there’s a reason she’s with him. But op we need to understand the exact problem. Does he have erectile dysfunction?

engaged for 14 years?

Surely that’s a bit…. embarrassing?

What do you hope will change - that he will want sex? Because if that is the issue then it is not going to suddenly change if you’ve been tougher for 10 years. Have you spoken about it properly?

Why did you stop having sex in your mid 20s? Why haven’t you got married? It sounds like communication may be an issue between you and a baby isn’t going to make that easier.

If everything is really hunky dory you could suggest trying with a turkey baster, I’d certainly try that before putting yourself through ivf as you don’t suggest you have any reason to believe you’re infertile. You’d have to pay for ivf. But I doubt everything is that good and that’s something to tackle first.

There is so much to unpick here. Long term, I think you would benefit from a really good counsellor to help you unpick why you have stayed in a sexless marriage for a decade, despite kids being your main goal in life.

Aside from that and more immediately. If you want kids you need to take action now. Either IVF (bearing in mind this will be expensive in UK if you use up the NHS allowance). Or leaving your H and finding a new relationship.

You also need to decide if you want to stay with your H. It sounds like he has been stringing you along for a decade, tbh. Which is cruel. But only you can decide if you are happy with never having an intimate relationship again, and whether he is a good man and it’s a happy marriage.

Darling - if you want children, find someone else.

Oh bog off … she’s reaching out . Why are you snickering like the school catty number in the corner? It’s juvenile.

To be fair, it’s a very long engagement! It jumped out to me too!

OP, how are you? Are you happy with the relationship? Why havnt you got married?

Oh OP. I don't think he is going to marry you. He doesn't even have sex with you.

You've been with him since you were 19 and haven't had sex since you were 25?

Please end it.you deserve better.

Well I asked op about it as well.

But not because it’s “ embarrassing;” because I wondered what it meant. Deriding it as embarrassing is just a stupid, childish swipe - when someone is reaching out for help. “ah ha ha ha: you look so silly.”

Yes…I didn’t say it was embarrassing, a little strange perhaps…🤷‍♀️

On the face of it it doesn’t sound like a great relationship (apologies if there is more context) and I think you could consider leaving.
You were together from very young, that can be tricky as we grow up and change.

Have sex with someone else 🤷‍♀️

If you want to have children, or a sex life, or even a partner you can talk to, the obvious course is to check out of this relationship and find someone else.

You don't initiate for fear of rejection. That seems very extreme, you would rather let things be than take that risk yet by not doing so you are putting all the responsibility on him to initiate and risk rejection too. Do you guys talk about this at all? Do you know why he doesn't want sex? Do you?

I'm wondering if this is some sort of arranged marriage situation. Maybe DH isn't heterosexual?

We need more context OP but something is very wrong and needs to be addressed ASAP. Sadly the clock is ticking.

Both your username and thread title are sad to read. I wish you the best OP whatever happens.

This relationship sounds like a coat that you bought in the sale. It never fitted you properly so you don’t wear it, but instead of getting rid you’ve let it take up space in your wardrobe, as your resentment grows year on year. Get rid of the coat and get something that fits.