Desperate to have children

[Aloneandunwanted]

Me and my partner have been together for almost 16 years and engaged for 14. He knows that I have always longed to have children and he assures me that he does too. I am 35 now and feel like time is running out. We haven't been intimate for so many years that it I am too afraid to initiate anything in fear of rejection. I have no female friends and no one to confide in. Family members know that all I have ever wanted is a family and I think that they are starting to believe I am unable to have children. Of course I don't say to them that we haven't been intimate for so long, and I'm talking over a decade. It's so embarrassing and humiliating and my self confidence is non existent. Every year I think 'may be this will be the year' and in January we were both talking positively about this being the case. But here we are in August and nothing. I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. I am just feeling so low and so alone.

I think you both need to sit down and have a chat. You need to talk about what you both want and if you both see a future together. I’m sorry if this sounds a little unkind OP but it sounds to me like you are both just passing time together, maybe because you both don’t want to be alone or are too wary to part ways and try to meet someone new. You have been engaged for a while. You need to ask him if he actually plans to marry you and if he says yes then start planning it. You also need to ask him if he wants children and tell him that you do. A make or break chat is needed now. Just remember everything happens for a reason and regardless you will be ok! 🌺

I think he’s keeping you hanging on with promises of ‘this year’ as he knows his unwillingness ( or inability) to have sex will prevent him from having another relationship, whereas you are prepared to put up with it. It’s not clear why you are staying in this half life though.
You are giving up on the most important thing in your one life for this man ( being a mother). It’s time to move on and priorities what you want.

I don't think you're going to have babies with this man :/

If you haven’t had sex for over 10 years you are flatmates, not partners. That’s not going to change - you’re not going to get closer. This is my advice and you may not like it but here goes:

You are 35 years old. Your time for becoming a mother is rapidly running out. If you REALLY want children you need to prioritise it now. Right now. That most likely will involve ending the relationship and getting yourself down to a sperm bank.

If you end the relationship and open yourself up to a new one, realistically it could be another 2-3 years before you’re in a position to try for a baby, with no guarantee it will happen quickly. I had my first child at 37. I’d been trying since I was 33 and I’d had two (with possibly an early third) miscarriages along the way.

You need to do some hard thinking. The man you are with is not interested in having a baby with you. If he could/would, you’d have children by now.

You're very much in danger of losing your chance to have children.

If he's the problem, it's ok to leave and find someone who does want children with you, because this one doesn't appear to. It's scary, but what's worse - leaving, or losing your chance to have the children you desperately want?

As others said you are risking your chances of motherhood for this relationship.

I understand the desire to hope that another person will sort themselves out and start living up to the promises they make. But, the sad truth is, he is showing you who he is. Not interested in a sexual relationship, not interested enough in fatherhood to seek help or make a change. You’re young, don’t sacrifice the future you dream of for this.

The other side will look scary, but start taking actions. Look into egg freezing. Move on and start dating. Give yourself a time frame by which you’ll start considering single parenthood. Get your life in shape to support this if necessary (earn more, move closer to family).

Seize back control of your life and your fertility. Wishing you all the best.

How old is your partner?

If you really want children and he doesn't, or hasn't decided, you need to make the decision now to stay with him and not have children or leave and start the process of checking your own fertility and actively trying to conceive. 35 isn't too late but you could run into issues that you would have known about 10 years ago if it wasn't for a selfish man.

Good luck

Are you happy in a sexless marriage? It sounds like a relationship you should be running away from, not bringing children into. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds like you're been strung along.

What are either of you getting from this relationship?

Do not marry someone like this, do not bring children into this shitshow.

Be thankful you didn't marry him and run.. whether you end up with children or not!

Op can you give us a little more information around why you think nothing has happened on the baby front?

You are getting a lot of judgmental comments about your relationship but it may be perfectly possible there are things you both value in it and find sustaining that posters who have never met you are missing . However, in order to give helpful feedback, are you able to say why this situation has come about? Do you feel he has physical issues that he needs support with? There will be ways through that sort of issue, but they are very different from if, say, you think he says one thing but feels another. And if the latter, do you understand what may be playing on his mind?

Only had 6 for six years then stopped? Why?

No sex = no children.

I am sorry to say this, but this relationship is going nowhere.

It is not to late to start again with someone else. Cut your losses. I am sorry you are in this situation.

OP, don't stay in this relationship thinking it's too late to establish another life for yourself.

You can't have children with someone who won't come near you, if it was a mutual decision to not have sex and it was a happy relationship would you not have discussed the options with your partner and be on track to do IVF or artificial insemination somehow?

Try to find the courage to make a new life for yourself, you deserve better. You have time to make a new happy life, that may include a new partner without these issues and it might include children- you aren't too old to start again.

Be brave and act for yourself

Please leave him, this sounds like a horrible relationship. Don't tie yourself to this by having children. You deserve better

You've been in this "relationship" for at least 5 years longer than you should have been. Get out!

Mate the guy hasn't even bothered to marry you for fourteen years!!!

He.does.not.want.kids.with.you.
And you shouldn't be thinking of having them with a guy you a. Don't have sex with. Who b. Has been stringing you along for marriage and kids for 14 fucking years.

Leave him and start over. Wake the hell up!

This. And is your MH in the right place to deal with it. A 14 year engagement is not normal. Why have you put marriage off? Fear of rejection? Please sort this before bringing a baby into this situation. It’s not fair.

The only reason for a fourteen-year engagement is that one of the parties has no intention of ever getting married.

OP, be brave and take control of your life. Stop hanging around and waiting for something that's never going to happen. End this relationship and start a new chapter in your life.

Op please get counselling to unmuddle all this