I don’t know what to do

[MummaB1234567]

So I’m not really sure why I’m writing this post tbh. I suppose I just feel empty and exhausted 😥
Ive been with my partner 23 years , he was my first and we have had many ups and downs which we have worked through.
we have a beautiful son who is 9 1/2. At the moment I just feel so lost.
I work full time in a high demanding/pressured job, do school drop off , pick ups , shopping , cleaning cooking, plan all weekends and days out.
I pay all mortgage, household bills and my husband pays for the food.
All birthdays, Christmas, days out, holidays are arranged and paid for by me. I ask my husband for nothing (struggle to ask for money or help)
Recently my partner has taken a lower paid job as he was stressed all the time and it has automatically fallen on me to pay childcare fees on top of everything else (this is just expected) and pick up all the extra work.
I also care for another family member and it just feels I am wobbling a bit with all the pressure.
from the moment my eyes open to the moment I go to bed I am doing something for someone else.
I recently burst into tears and my husband says I should ask for help and tell him what I want him to do as it just doesn’t come to him naturally but I really struggle with this and when I do he just moans at me.
I am now starting to feel resentful that I wake up at 5:30 do all the lunches , get our son ready for school, rush to get myself ready, drop our son off, check in with family member, straight to a full day of work, check in with family member, pick ds up, shopping, cooking, homework , bath , bed, housework sit down and have to watch whatever he is watching as if I put my programme on he moans and talks all the way through. Even if I do watch something I can never focus as my brain just will not rest with my to do list.
his day is wake up , cup of tea, sit on the toilet for half hour on you tube, go to an easy job , come home , have dinner , wash up have 1.5 hour bath , sit on phone and chill.
Ive tried to tell him I’m struggling , I’ve tried to tell him I’m getting depressed but I get absolutely nothing back.
birthdays Christmas an anniversaries I get nothing as I do not tell him what I want (I’m not materialistic but something small, a token would be nice ). I get no affection unless it is sexual and recently barely get a conversation.
When I look back I suppose I have always taken care and organised everything but as I’m getting older , I have more responsibilities with caring for ds and family member I find I am struggling more.
i don’t know what I expected from this post I suppose I just need to let it out as I have no friends and would not want my family to know I’m struggling.
My husband is a good man, my best friend and has never been the most affectionate or emotional person. He’s my best friend and a good person but lately I just feel that people only want me for what I can do for them.
I have recently tried to talk this through with him but it falls on deaf ears. Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to take accountability and do things off his own back without me asking him as it has never been expected of him before?
As I am getting older I feel the need to be cared for now. Is it wrong to expect this ? Is it wrong to expect someone to see you are struggling and want to make you feel loved and supported?
I recently deep cleaned the whole house while he sat on the sofa with ds as he told me it was wrong to expect them to help just because I felt like doing a deep clean. After I sat down he then started to moan that the cupboards were junked up and it was my fault they are in that mess basically saying I was a slob. This made me flip! I am so angry at him and it made me just reflect on the things I actually do do and what he does and I think it’s made me realise suddenly just actually how disproportionate our roles and responsibilities are.
sorry for the rant 😥

He really should take things on of his own accord, but as he has shown you/told you he struggles to do that, if you want to stay with him, you need to be firm with what you need help with, what you expect, and when.

Relationships are about give and take and it sounds like he is ALL “take”. If there is any credit to give to him it’s that he’s acknowledged he’s not great at just knowing what to do, and told you to ask for help, so starting now you need to do exactly that. But you need to be prepared to be firm when you set these boundaries which won’t be easy because you’ve juggled all these balls for so long now that he won’t understand why you can’t just continue.

Be clear, but be firm, I need you to do XYZ and I need £X for childcare/shopping/whatever. Take the thinking out of it for him, tell him what you need and stick to it, if there is any fall out when he forgets to do something, let him deal with that.

He is neither a "good man" nor your "best friend". You do most of the work and pay most of the bills and he doesn't care. He won't so much as let you watch your TV programme in peace. He doesn't even treat you on your birthday or at Christmas.

In what possible way is this man your life partner, your companion, your support?

Read over your post and list all the ways in which he is both a "good man" and a "best friend" to you.

You need to open your eyes and make some decisions based on the reality of your situation which sounds pretty muserable to me..

This.

How on earth can he be your best friend when he does diddly squat around the house.

This is not a relationship......its a prison sentence.

Yes, as above. He's not your best friend. He's an utterly selfish man who will always put himself first.

If you think of a life without him, what does it look like to you?

Admittedly reading my post he doesn’t appear that way but I suppose I have written it in anger and being upset. It almost feels I am betraying him just writing this post 😥
its hard being at a point when you are 23 years into a relationship questioning actually is it because I’ve known no different?
Is it my low self esteem that’s kept us together?
is it the fear of being alone?

He is a good man and has stuck with me through some really dark times in my life , he would never cheat and he does care in his own way. On reflection , I question is this my fault?
I have always taken care of things. I am fiercely independent and have prided myself on my ability in not having to rely on anyone.

By brain feels completely shot but I can’t help but think that this is my own fault 😥

I’m sorry OP. This sounds exhausting and I’m irritated by him!

From this coming Saturday journal a whole week of your time. Create a similar journal for his time. Tell him you need a serious chat. Put the journals side by side and show him the difference. Also a spreadsheet of monthly finances.

Ask him which joint responsibility tasks he is going to take off you. For example you should share responsibility for your DC activities - is he going to take on school drop offs or the pick ups. He can choose.

Show you need a joint account and show how much he needs to put in each month to make things fair.

Did he unilaterally decide to earn less? Tell him he needs to look for a higher paid job if he can’t contribute fairly.

Give him a list of what you want on birthdays and Christmas. I do this. He picks off the list. I get something I want. I accept he isn’t thoughtful enough to get this right.

Tell him that you need affection outside of sex and tell him what that looks like. Hugs? A kiss here and there? Etc.

Be very clear it’s make or break time, if indeed this is where you have got to. If he kicks off to any part of this etc etc start planning your escape.

Agree with PP. He isn’t being much of a friend.

💐

My biggest fear in life is being alone in the world.
Picturing life without him has always been an out of the question response in the past but right now it feels a possibility.

but my instant thought would be my ds! How could I ever do that to him

"its hard being at a point when you are 23 years into a relationship questioning actually is it because I’ve known no different?
Is it my low self esteem that’s kept us together?
is it the fear of being alone?"

I think you could answer yes to all those above questions you have posed.

You are pretty much alone within this relationship now and as another poster wrote this is not a relationship, more like a prison sentence.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships here?. If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

So he spends at least 2 hours a day in the bathroom according to your OP (whether on the toilet or in the bath) and much of the rest of his free time on his phone. How much quality time (be honest) does he actually spend with your son?

Is it of benefit to your son to watch his mum run around doing everything and looking after everyone like a drudge while dad sits around doing fuck all?

Fucking hell get out

You are his slave

He is not a good man, he wouldn't sit and watch you if he was.

He wouldn't drop his job down and expect you to pick up the slack

Going it alone is better than the shit your putting up with.

I don't think I could be bothered trying to 'train' this man up to be a semblance of a good partner and dad. If he cared about his family he wouldn't need this much instruction.

It's a bit drastic, but can you disappear for a week?

Leave him a list of necessary (but minimal) instructions.

Go and leave him to it. Tell him to
Imagine you are dead and it is ALL on him.

OMG what a rant!! A well needed one by all accounts. Feel free to post another...might do you some good.
Listen girl, you NEED to act not talk. You are going above and beyond. WHY? Get to the bottom of that. Why do do struggle to ask for help? Why are chores not split? Thats reasonable...completely reasonable. Start changing YOUR behaviour pdq. Might need to do so step by step b/c I think he'll not like the 'changes' one little bit. He's gonna have to pull his finger out. If this is your dynamic, both ppl are playing their roles to make to so. You are the giver , he the taker. Its sooo common, particularly the woman being the giver. Gd luck!

You are an overfunctioner. You need to delegate tasks to your husband, and allow him to do them (or fail and learn the hard way).

Fear of being alone can make you do some really irrational stuff (not blaming you, just identifying an issue). It would be helpful to do some therapy on this kind of issue.
Secondly, if he does want to be a grown up but just doesn't have his act together, counseling might work.
Also, you might make a list of anything and everything that needs doing, and decide together which ones will be 100% his responsibility, which 100% yours, which split (and when, this doesn't mean "split" but yours by default). Let him pick his timing (like, bathroom gets done twice a week but he decides which day/time etc). How he reacts is super important, if he is happy with the new arrangements it's fine, if he is angry and resentful you really need to consider what you are teaching your kid about relationships.

Blimey I feel exhausted reading your post. You need to offload some of the tasks. Get a cleaner - he can pay half. Don’t make his lunch or cook his tea, give him some tasks - cooking, shopping, laundry , whatever. It sounds like you have an extra child here, not a partner.

I know I was supposed to only write a few lines and it just kept coming out 🫣
deep down I know why. I had an awfully abusive childhood and have had terrible loss and as an adult I have some pretty wretched core beliefs. I left home at 14 and have had to fend for myself since then.

I never feel good enough being the main one.
i have worked so hard to try and overcome it but it’s just so bloody deep rooted to shake !

I don’t feel good enough for him so I over compensate

i never want him or anyone to feel hurt or stressed so I take it from them

Although I have been very successful in my career I don’t feel I deserve to be there and the anxiety eats me up even though I have successfully managed to get a 2.1 in my degree and everyone tells me differently

I am a giver and I know like in my other comments this is on me. I have shielded him and family members as I don’t want them to feel hurt so I take it

I try my best in life to be a good person , caregiver and mum and to help where I can which is why this latest argument has just tipped me over the edge. I tried to say focus on the positive things I do rather than what I haven’t managed to get around to and was told I do nothing positive.

its sparked something in me this time where instantly I feel stupid and taken for granted. Anxiety and depression have crippled me lately and I have had no other option but to keep going as people depend on me.

the only way I can describe it is it feels like I have had a huge bag on my back and this one last thing has crushed me.

reading my posts I know I sound pretty pathetic to be honest you all sound such strong women.

Sounds like you need some therapy. This might help!you resolve some issues.

You need therapy. Be kind to yourself.

You say you are "fiercely independent" but then in the next breath say you live in fear of being alone.
Lay it all out in a letter to him. Give him time to absorb it.
Then tell him to fuck off and file for divorce.
Be free.

It's hard when you start seeing someone you love for who they really are. You have convinced yourself your husband is your best friend and a good man, but you know that actually neither of these things are true. A good man would never have let this shocking imbalance happen; a best friend would hear what you say and support you; no-one who loved you would say such horrible things to you or let you see yourself in such a bad light.

I agree that you really need some solo therapy to work out why you still feel as if you don't deserve him. And your child absolutely does not deserve to grow up believing that this is what a healthy relationship looks like.

Lots of us have been in a similar position - we've stayed in terrible marriages because we blamed ourselves, or thought we deserved no better, or thought this was all that marriage had to offer. And lots of us have shaken free, found ourselves, and moved on to better happier and stronger lives. And you can do that too.

You need to take some time for YOU and it should be for therapy sessions. I know if you are a terminal coper, not asker of anyone for anything or afraid to take anything for yourself, just booking something will feel alien and hard and you'll prob ably feel guilty but...

From everything you've said the immediate problem IS your DH but also the problem is something inside you believes that someone who is "your best friend" would treat you the way he does and that's normal and OK and somehow you should be grateful.

You need to do nothing right now except the therapy. What you should do to change this dynamic will be come clearer to you as you explore where this compulsion to be everyone's carer and doormat comes from. I know that sounds harsh but in time you'll see it for yourself, start to realise you as a person in this ONE LIFE you get deserves more than what you currently accept.

You sound utterly utterly burnt out.

This man is only your best friend when you ask absolutely shit all of him. That's not a friendship of any kind. Would you treat your best friend like this? or ANY friend? No you wouldn't you probably feel uncomfortable and almost a bit sick of the thought of treating someone like he treats you.

Get therapy. Please.

He does sound very self-serving. It's difficult to believe that he doesn't even think about sharing the load. Does he seriously think it's OK for you to be doing everything, whilst he pleases himself? He doesn't even do the food shopping, it being the only thing he pays for. Sheesh, what a cushy life he has.

He's a disgrace. You cannot continue in this way. Why should you?! You deserve some down time and joy in your life

You are absolutely not pathetic OP. It's really hard to step back and look at your own relationship as outsiders would, and easy to get stuck in patterns that don't really work but are familiar.

Things sound like they are working well for your partner, he has no reason to want to change anything, so change will have to come from you, PP suggestions to get some therapy to give you a space to think through what you want makes sense.

Your partner sounds a bit like my dad. He's not a bad man (he's not abusive or violent), but he is selfish, has never lifted a finger to help or support my mum, and always puts himself first. She now believes she doesn't deserve anything more. A few months back I got a call (I live 200 miles away) to say she was in hospital with pneumonia. I rushed down to see her, to find she had been admitted after struggling to A&E by herself. On the bus. She didn't want to make a fuss, and he was genuinely surprised anyone would have expected him to give up an afternoon on the sofa watching football to take her. Get out while you can OP.

MummaB1234567

Pia Mellody ' Facing Codependence' and another of her bks called 'The Intimacy Factor'. I think you will benefit from reading these . Participators the Codependence one.