I don’t know what to do

[MummaB1234567]

So I’m not really sure why I’m writing this post tbh. I suppose I just feel empty and exhausted 😥
Ive been with my partner 23 years , he was my first and we have had many ups and downs which we have worked through.
we have a beautiful son who is 9 1/2. At the moment I just feel so lost.
I work full time in a high demanding/pressured job, do school drop off , pick ups , shopping , cleaning cooking, plan all weekends and days out.
I pay all mortgage, household bills and my husband pays for the food.
All birthdays, Christmas, days out, holidays are arranged and paid for by me. I ask my husband for nothing (struggle to ask for money or help)
Recently my partner has taken a lower paid job as he was stressed all the time and it has automatically fallen on me to pay childcare fees on top of everything else (this is just expected) and pick up all the extra work.
I also care for another family member and it just feels I am wobbling a bit with all the pressure.
from the moment my eyes open to the moment I go to bed I am doing something for someone else.
I recently burst into tears and my husband says I should ask for help and tell him what I want him to do as it just doesn’t come to him naturally but I really struggle with this and when I do he just moans at me.
I am now starting to feel resentful that I wake up at 5:30 do all the lunches , get our son ready for school, rush to get myself ready, drop our son off, check in with family member, straight to a full day of work, check in with family member, pick ds up, shopping, cooking, homework , bath , bed, housework sit down and have to watch whatever he is watching as if I put my programme on he moans and talks all the way through. Even if I do watch something I can never focus as my brain just will not rest with my to do list.
his day is wake up , cup of tea, sit on the toilet for half hour on you tube, go to an easy job , come home , have dinner , wash up have 1.5 hour bath , sit on phone and chill.
Ive tried to tell him I’m struggling , I’ve tried to tell him I’m getting depressed but I get absolutely nothing back.
birthdays Christmas an anniversaries I get nothing as I do not tell him what I want (I’m not materialistic but something small, a token would be nice ). I get no affection unless it is sexual and recently barely get a conversation.
When I look back I suppose I have always taken care and organised everything but as I’m getting older , I have more responsibilities with caring for ds and family member I find I am struggling more.
i don’t know what I expected from this post I suppose I just need to let it out as I have no friends and would not want my family to know I’m struggling.
My husband is a good man, my best friend and has never been the most affectionate or emotional person. He’s my best friend and a good person but lately I just feel that people only want me for what I can do for them.
I have recently tried to talk this through with him but it falls on deaf ears. Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to take accountability and do things off his own back without me asking him as it has never been expected of him before?
As I am getting older I feel the need to be cared for now. Is it wrong to expect this ? Is it wrong to expect someone to see you are struggling and want to make you feel loved and supported?
I recently deep cleaned the whole house while he sat on the sofa with ds as he told me it was wrong to expect them to help just because I felt like doing a deep clean. After I sat down he then started to moan that the cupboards were junked up and it was my fault they are in that mess basically saying I was a slob. This made me flip! I am so angry at him and it made me just reflect on the things I actually do do and what he does and I think it’s made me realise suddenly just actually how disproportionate our roles and responsibilities are.
sorry for the rant 😥

Someone who overgives wont get respected, not even by themselves

You need some me time, scale back on the household chores and give them to him. If he doesn't step up, grit your teeth for a while and let things slide and look messy for a while. All you do he takes for granted because you've always done it. Let him physically see what happens when you don't do it.
How about a holiday on your own or with a friend? Leave it all to him for a bit.
In all relationships the aim should be 50/50 effort, as you've learnt there are no prizes for putting in extra while the other slacks off. He, should either do drop off or pick-up, no way should it fall to you to do both.

This.

Bug out for a month or two. Let him step up and when he does, keep him stepped up.

The more I do, the less DH does so I leave stuff now and he ...just does it. Sometimes he moans and I ask him if he really wants to go there and he doesn't so it all ends up a damn sight more equal by Friday.

You have a lot more control in this than you think OP.

Effectively you are a single parent... with two children.
You sound like Wonderwoman!
Stop doing everything for everybody.
Stop being everyone for everybody.

It sounds trite but you really do deserve better.

Sit down with a cup of tea and make a list of all the things your OH is PERFECTLY CAPABLE of doing.
Hoovering
Laundry
Ironing
Cleaning bathrooms.. since he obviously knows his way around them!
Changing beds
Getting HIS child ready for school... including breakfast

I am sure you can add to this list without too much thought.

Don't ask - TELL HIM!
This way or the highway...

Then you will be a single mother with ONE child... with much less stress, more time, more energy... and the chance to get your self respect back.
He is not a good man... or you wouldn't be on here!

Take care of yourself.

I'm exhausted reading your op.

You can straight out relieve some of this burden by being precise with what you want. Okay, you shouldn't have to, but there you are.

For example, your dh could easily do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Hand those jobs over straight away.
If it's too much for the poor cherub, he could shop online and arrange the home delivery. He could pay and organise for a cleaner.

If you possibly can, you could stay elsewhere for a few days until he's managed to set this (or whatever you've asked for) in place.

You need to be clear that you expect him to deal with being an actual adult, and will not be supervising or taking control.

Unless it's impossible take yourself off on a two week holiday, a cruise would work. That way you will find out what life is like when you aren't running around after other people .... and being blamed for anything that goes wrong.

I say this from some experience ... I had to go away on a course for work, just one week ... it was heaven. And within five minutes of walking in the door I had 20 questions and things to solve, I hadn't even noticed before I had the break!

All the best with looking after yourself and having a good life. Look after yourself the way you look after other people you love xx

"My husband is a good man "

No @MummaB1234567 , he's not.

I do 50% of the housework, 50% of the childcare, probably about 70% of the cooking, and I work full time

I'm not a good man, I'm a perfectly mediocre man, I'm doing what should be considered the bare minimum. I pull my weight.

Your husband doesn't even reach the lofty heights of mediocre. He's not a good man, he's not your best friend. He's a lazy, entitled knob head who is actively trying to put you in an early grave.

Right, so you're so convinced he's a good man and don't want to get rid of him?

Give him a bunch of stuff thats now his responsibility. He's not going to do it of his own accord. Tell him if he dares whinge just once about these tasks, then the fucking door is over there.

Or you can wait until you break, burn out and end up getting rid of him anyway

You CAN'T do it all. Independent or stubborn or not.

When faced with a major dilemma I often ask myself - what would happen if I got run over by a bus?
Basically, if I disappeared, how would others function?
The answer - they would have to find a way. Whether they lived in a mess or chaos, they would carry on.
You have made yourself so brilliant at everything you do that you are almost irreplaceable, but the fact is, your efforts are not appreciated, OP, and your DC is watching their mother run herself ragged while their father is sat on the loo watching YouTube.
Relationships are much more than being soul mates. Once you live together there is a practical side and your partner is not stepping up. What if you needed major surgery and were off your feet for 6 weeks?
You are enabling his poor behaviours and lack of contribution and he’s doing that because he can.
That is not a criticism - these threads are full of people who have been treated poorly and I count myself as well.
You fear being alone. You fear what it would do to your DC. But as a competent, intelligent woman you could provide a home and have more time and energy. Your DC would see you not being downtrodden.
You have no friends. As a lovely, caring person you deserve some. Right now, you don’t have time for them there is zero balance in your life.
I wish I could wave a magic wand but if you were my friend I would say - you won’t be alone if you leave this situation. You are a mum and a colleague, you can make friends and have interests and a life of your own.
The 14 year old you deserves the future you to be happy.

this is good advice.

You poor woman. I never say this, because its, well, an online forum but I want to give you a BIG HUG.

This is shocking. The utter barefaced cheek of this man. Watching you do all the housework from the sofa and telling your DS that this is only fair and that you can't expect them to help just because you want to clean. And then to start attacking you about the cupboards mess. He is an absolute disgrace.

You are married to a man with a Masters in Cheeky Fuckery. No actually a PHD.
He is so exploitative.

I've tried to tell him I’m struggling , I’ve tried to tell him I’m getting depressed but I get absolutely nothing back. He doesn't want to change his cleaning remark sums up his entire attitude. The kind of person that lectures you to ask for help and then evades giving it when its asked for.

Birthdays Christmas and anniversaries I get nothing - You pay for and do all the "Christmas" work and have watch everyone else opening their presents, whilst he sits there complacently? So wrong and bad example to your son.

I get no affection unless it is sexual and recently barely get a conversation.
Massive Ick Ick Ick.

From the sound of it, you pay about 80-90 per cent of household expenses and now, because he's stressed (how can he possibly be stressed when he puts all the stress on you?) you are also paying the childcare costs too.

What does he actually contribute? You say he's a best friend, but a best friend would want to talk to you, help you out, not take financial advantage of you, buy you a bloody birthday present...( there is ZERO excuse for that) or generally treat you as their personal slave.

I think a situation like this can grow and grow, slowly until it suddenly explodes as it has now and its not your fault. but you can't let him continue to impose these situations on you as he will be very very resistant to change and you sound like you are near the tipping point.
Perhaps you should ask for a trial separation. It won't add any extra work to your schedule but it does mean you can get your head straight without commentary and see if that makes your life easier.

It's hard when you start seeing someone you love for who they really are. You have convinced yourself your husband is your best friend and a good man, but you know that actually neither of these things are true. A good man would never have let this shocking imbalance happen; a best friend would hear what you say and support you; no-one who loved you would say such horrible things to you or let you see yourself in such a bad light.

This is on the money! Its sad when you SEE it, but in SEEING it , its the way out too!

What will happen to your DS if you have a "nervous breakdown" and go into hospital with exhaustion?

Answer: he will be fine. His packed lunches might be a bit crap if DH has to make them, and DH might forget to collect him from school so the school has to phone DH, but so what? Nobody dies.

What will happen to you if you have a "nervous breakdown"? Mental health wrecked. Emotional health wrecked (more than it already is), even physical health wrecked. Career prospects possibly wrecked. Long-term finances possibly wrecked.

Can you see that you HAVE to look after yourself, because nobody else will.
You have to look after the terrified 14 year old girl living inside you.

You have to DROP stuff - as much as you possibly can. Just STOP.
Take some time off sick ("Covid" is good for a week), or book annual leave just for you to sit in a café or take long walks alone, and do nothing but think. Do nothing for a week. Absolutely nothing.
If you can't stop yourself 'catching up' with tasks around the house while you are off, you will have to go away. Consider a "spiritual retreat" - seriously. Not a holiday, but a retreat to somewhere that you can sit and just stop.

Then you might begin to see what changes need to be made.

Just because he would never cheat, doesn’t make him a good man! That’s the very least you should expect of your partner!

tuvamoodyson

Here here!

OP, I am so sorry, no wonder you feel overwhelmed and exhausted - I am exhausted reading what you do. It is clear that you have a deep seated belief from your abusive childhood that in some way you are not good enough, and that doing everything for everyone else has been a way to 'prove your worth' (I put that in brackets because of course, you dont need to prove anything, you are worthwhile in yourself, but it often does not feel that way to us). For whatever reason, the dynamic that has grown up between you suits your husband. And has become unsustainable for you.

A couple of things that may help -

Therapy. Look up IAPT near you, tell them how depressed and anxious you are (they wont take you on for low self esteem but once connected to a therapist they will be able to see how your mood is linked to your self esteem).

If you cant wait/cant go/cant face therapy - self help for low self esteem. This is a good place to start

Overcoming Low Self-esteem By Melanie Fennell | Used | 9781854877253 | World of Books (wob.com)

Or this

Self-Esteem Self-Help Resources - Information Sheets & Workbooks (health.wa.gov.au)

Look on Youtube at the Fair Play cards - it is a way to help couples talk about the work of running a family and dividing things more equally. If you struggle with this or partner is resistant, you may want to consider couples counselling as a place to explore the dynamics of your relationship.

If your DP is resistant or rejecting of the idea he should do more, you may have to consider your future. You mentioned being afraid of being on your own or the impact on your son. But staying in this will make your MH worse and teach your son that it is ok to treat the person you are supposed to love like shit.

I hope you can connect with people who can help you with this. Take care.

Your husband isn't a good man. He is your abuser. He has made a lifestyle out of taking advantage of you and taking you for granted. Because of your childhood, I don't think you have any idea what a "good man" really is or what a healthy and balanced relationship looks like. Because of your childhood abuse, your bar is barely off the floor.

You need therapy so, so desperately, and you also need to get angry at the injustice of your relationship. Don't allow yourself to be his doormat any longer.

I genuinely hope you can be free of him someday.

Imagine treating someone the way he is treating you? Imagine what type of person they would have to be. Imagine how little respect they would have to have for the other person.

Just reading your post has almost made me cry. I am a stranger on the internet and if I could I'd come and help you tomorrow. I wouldn't say...oh just tell me what to do, I'd look around and see what needs doing and get on with it...oh and I'd bring you a big bunch of flowers and tell you to lie on the sofa and make you cups of tea all afternoon in-between ironing and hoovering and making dinner. And I don't love you. You haven't given every part of yourself to me for 23 years. And I can only hear in a single post how desperate and worn out you are. I can't see and feel daily the physical effect this is having on you and the psychological effect. My heart breaks for you.

He is the worst type of man. He knows exactly what he's doing and he is taking advantage of you. He is a manipulative horrible horrible man. He is taking the piss. He's not going to suddenly have a damascene moment and start pulling his weight.

You really really need to stop. Pull in help where you can. Take time off work. You are going to end up ill and then you'll be no use to anyone.

It's so hard when you finally see them the way they actually are. But it's actually the first big step to freedom because you can't actually go back now. You can't just ignore how awful he is.