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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does DH ever hurt you when you have sex?

68 replies

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 10:04

I've name changed as this is ever so slightly embarrassing. When DH and I have sex, I can only describe it as him banging the living daylights out of me (sorry no polite way of putting it). He seems to want to thrust as deep, as hard and as quickly as possible.

Don't get me wrong sometimes this is great but other times it really hurts and when I say 'ouch' he will slow down for a minute and then just go at it again and I find myself grinning and bearing it.

I've tried broaching the subject with him many times and he just takes offence and gets in a strop. I've told him I'd love for him to make slow sensual love to me but this just goes over his head and he seems incapable of doing anything else other than going at it like a bat out of hell.

The last two times we've done the deed he's really hurt me and it's starting to put me off. In a nutshell, I want to be made love to not f**ked. Any suggestions? Does anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:

Original poster

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 12:32

I certainly do not feel in any way shape or form raped, and I completely agree with those who say it's a communication problem. My DH will not listen to me. Yes he is too rough with me when we have sex and I do tell him this and he eases off but soon starts getting too rough again (when I say rough I mean deep and fast) I then grin and bear it so that I guess is my own fault.

I need to find a way of talking to him withouth him going into defense mode.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/04/2008 12:39

This is not OK. This is not normal. Echoing what all the other posters have said.
Some men can only come through real fast friction, but if that means a choice between bangin away at you or pulling out and finishing by hand, I know what I'd choose. He's hurting you FFS!
He needs to STOP and start at the beginning. He needs a big lesson on how female sexuality works, and what a healthy sex life is. Maybe his pride will be hurt but dammit it should be. he needs to learn some humility before you let him back between your legs.
Sorry, but if that were me there would be a sex ban until some real communicating had gone on.
Good luck xxx

doggiesayswoof · 15/04/2008 12:39

It really isn't your own fault though ouch, you're trying to tell him and he isn't hearing you. Please don't make the mistake of thinking you are to blame.

I think pre-empting him like bluebutterfly says may be a good move.

quickswop · 15/04/2008 12:44

ok have name changed obv reasons, anyhow.

H was in the end very much wam bam thank you ma'am, was always the same no variation he'd always go heavy on the thrusting (unless he couldn't be bothered with sex and then was ok - was few and far between thou), he was/is ahem very well endowed, and it did hurt, one way I slowed him down was by putting my hands on his hips and pushing him away a bit - seemed to get the message. he'd always ask after if he hurt me and say sorry if he had thou - there's the difference. your DH doesn't seem to be bothered at all as long as he's getting his. which isn't fiar or very nice.

tbh I think i'd stop sex all together - H and I ended up only having sex a hand full of times a year in the end thou but you can do other stuff

quickswop · 15/04/2008 12:46

oh also just to add, that when really really aroused H could pretty much be as hard/fast as he wanted and there was no problem for me, but if I wasn't then there was big problems - could that also be an issue - if he's not waiting until you're fully aroused?

Original poster

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 12:52

doggie, I think you're right I'm going to do what bluebutterfly has suggested and and pre-empt him.

Dh had a previous 2 year relationship before ours and apart from that I don't think he's had anything other than maybe a couple of drunken one night stands in his teens.

I don't think there's going to be any sex in this household for a while!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 13:01

quickswap, I wouldn't say that Dh is large in the underpants department I would say that he's average. Maybe me not being aroused enough could be an issue as he's usually so desperate to get it in, sometimes I have to say "No, not yet".

He has told me before that I'm the only woman he's ever been with that has ever been gentle when feeling his b**cks, so maybe he has only ever had rough and ready sex before.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/04/2008 13:05

oUCH-
IF HE'S ONLY HAD ONE NIGHT STANDS (oops caps lock) and one long term relationship it's no wonder he's clueless. One nighters are pretty much useless for gaining experience unless the woman is reeeally confident and can teach him - who can be bothered on a ONS? If i was with a bloke who was awful, I'd grin and bear it (or stop it if it hurt) and just never call him again. Plus if his previous partner put up with it, he may have had no idea it was unsatisfactory.But you can't live like this for the rest of your life!

This will NOT split you up, you MUST discuss it. Sitting him down and telling him what you feel is the only way. Until he acknowledges what you are saying I wouldn't have sex, either.

Good luck xxx

Oblomov · 15/04/2008 13:05

Nothing wrong with a good hard F**king SHAG.
But it has its time and place. And there has to be a balance of intimate love making aswell.

quickswop · 15/04/2008 13:09

to that end then, i'd be inclined to stop the sex all together and basically teach him how to be gentle with you, but it needs to be done in a way which won't hurt his ego his pride.

but then again according to DP I am a bossy boots in the bedroom, moving until he's hitting the right spots & putting his hands/body parts in the right places. then again how are they suppose to know if we don't tell them.

failing that you be as rough as you can with his bits if you do give oral get the teeth out as well! lol. see how he likes it then! (god that's mean, I wouldn't really do that)

Original poster

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 13:12

Thanks kat.

Oblomov, I'm laughing at how you've phrased that and you're right there's nothing wrong with a good hard shag just sometimes instead of everytime!!

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Original poster

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 13:16

quickswap I love your suggestion. There's definitely no way I'm having sex with him again until he listens to me and I'm confident that he's taken it on board and won't hurt me again.

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SmugColditz · 15/04/2008 13:21

He's been watching too much shit porn.

You need to get him to watch "The Joy Of Sex" or something.

You should feel able to shout "OW THAT HURTS, STOP NOW!" at him, or just don't have sex with him again. I'm actually all for grin and bear it if it's just a bit dull as a one off, but hurting is verboten.

MrsMacaroon · 15/04/2008 13:59

PS doggy style or missionary with legs closed/crossed helps if it's painful and gives him maximum sensation without being able to go too deep.

You absolutely need to talk to him though....asap. Stress that you're not talking FORCE not so much technique. Let him know that he is letting his ego get in the way of you having a more uninhibited sex life.

Twinkie1 · 15/04/2008 14:04

God girl go to the bookshop buy the Joy of Sex and everything else you can get your hands on and give it to him wrapped up in a big bow after you have given him your 'No Sex' speech and just walk away!

He is so niave - he just needs to swallow his pride and learn what you like!

Good Luck

NotQuiteCockney · 15/04/2008 16:26

Hmmm, this is just such a complicated thing.

He's talking about his sexual 'performance' like it's some sort of job he has to do, and he knows you're not happy with how he does it ... but he knows hard and fast works for him, and keeps (maybe?) hoping it will work for you?

I wonder if he thinks you 'ought' to orgasm from penetrative sex (even though most women don't) and feels guilty or anxious about this?

Thing is, it isn't about him doing it wrong. I bet there are plenty of women out there who prefer it hard and fast. He's not doing it wrong, he's doing it wrong for you. And, worse, he's not listening when you try to talk to him about it.

NotQuiteCockney · 15/04/2008 16:27

Oh, and from behind, legs together, or even your hips a bit to the side can protect your cervix. But obviously a conversation is more important.

I wonder if he stopped and started having sex when you were just starting to orgasm, historically, because he was hoping you'd carry on orgasming while he shagged you?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/04/2008 16:44

Cockney -
that occured to me. My OH used to do that, get me excited then try to slip it in because he thought it was 'better' if I came from him shagging me...I mean it is nicer and I don't mind as long as I do get there.....but it's not a sure thing! but anyway that's just a bloke's ego thing I think!
Very frustrating though if you know that you aren't going to come from shagging. Like him dangling a sweet then snatching it away and eating it himself, whilst banging you over the head with a blunt object, I imagine.

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