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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does DH ever hurt you when you have sex?

68 replies

ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 10:04

I've name changed as this is ever so slightly embarrassing. When DH and I have sex, I can only describe it as him banging the living daylights out of me (sorry no polite way of putting it). He seems to want to thrust as deep, as hard and as quickly as possible.

Don't get me wrong sometimes this is great but other times it really hurts and when I say 'ouch' he will slow down for a minute and then just go at it again and I find myself grinning and bearing it.

I've tried broaching the subject with him many times and he just takes offence and gets in a strop. I've told him I'd love for him to make slow sensual love to me but this just goes over his head and he seems incapable of doing anything else other than going at it like a bat out of hell.

The last two times we've done the deed he's really hurt me and it's starting to put me off. In a nutshell, I want to be made love to not f**ked. Any suggestions? Does anyone else have this problem?

OP posts:
Pinkchampagne · 15/04/2008 11:24

This sounds awful. In answer to your OP, no my DP doesn't hurt me, and if it ever hurt & I made it known, he would stop immediately.

You really need to have a talk about this, and he needs to listen to you & take your feelings into account. Sounds like he is just wanting to please himself.

Original poster
ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 11:25

No I don't ever have an orgasm( not that way anyhow). There was a thread on here the other day about orgasms through penetration and the general consensus was that the best way is for the man to go on top and try and get his body as far up the womans body as possible (if that makes sense?). When I suggested this to DH he just poo-pooed it.

I hate to be on here saying things like this about my DH especially as he is a wonderful husband but it does seem like he's rather selfish in bed doesn't it? As I never have an orgasm through penetration he usually gives me one beforehand and until recently (because I had to say something which he didn't take kindly to) he would say get me going with his finger and when I started to orgasm would just stop and get himself ready to stick it in (sorry thats a very crude way of putting it!), to say that I was left unfulfilled is an understatement.

I know I seriously need to talk to DH about this but it's going to be very difficult. Last night I asked him if he'd ever in his life had slow sex (apart from twice with me)and he replied "No. Oh I see this is another criticism(sp?) of my performance in bed" and thats pretty much the sort of response I get all the time.

OP posts:
lackaDAISYcal · 15/04/2008 11:30

oh dear . I'm that he would tease you like that. Ask him how he would feel if you did that to him. It sounds to me like you need to withold all conjugality until he agrees to listen to you, and to change. Great husband in other ways or not, he sounds like a bit of an egotistical beast to me.

JodieG1 · 15/04/2008 11:31

I'd definitely hold off sex and buy a vibrator and use it instead of sex. He needs to know you aren't dependant on him solely for an orgasm.

Maybe show him how you'd like it?

Dropdeadfred · 15/04/2008 11:32

why did he stop just as you were enjoying it?

NotDoingTheHousework · 15/04/2008 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsMacaroon · 15/04/2008 11:47

What do you say when he tries to turn it round on you like that?

"No. Oh I see this is another criticism(sp?) of my performance in bed" and thats pretty much the sort of response I get all the time.

That's not an acceptable response and you need to get straight to the point, instead of referring to the speed/technique. He could have a very fast technique but not hurt you or be slow and hurt you...the main point is HE IS HURTING YOU. This is what you need to communicate. Don't pussy foot around it or there will be more room for misunderstanding.

MrsMacaroon · 15/04/2008 11:48

i'm rubbish at the italics/bold thingummy..

Oblomov · 15/04/2008 11:52

He sounds very insensitive. Does he not care about you. For your sexual satisfaction, or that he is physically hurting you. Terrible.

Original poster
ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 11:53

Notdoingthehousework, I'm laughing at your suggestion! That probably would work.

I think he stops when i'm in mid flow, not to be mean but because he's so anxious to get his end away. I have managed to talk to him about this and explained that when a man starts to come there's nothing that will stop this happening but with a woman if you stop doing things to her down below the orgasm stops too. He didn't like me telling him this but the message did get through to him and it has been better.

When I posted this thread I honestly thought that there would be lots of you that had the same problem. I really didn't realise that this wasn't the 'norm'.

OP posts:
Original poster
ouchthathurts · 15/04/2008 11:55

Yes it does seem that as long as DH is satisfyed then thats all he cares about.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 15/04/2008 11:57

Does he ever ask you afterwards if you're okay?

wannaBe · 15/04/2008 12:00

if my dh did this then he wouldn't be getting sex from me. And sorry to say this but think it would raise some serious questions for me re the future of my marriage.

Not stopping when you say no and carrying on to hurt you regardless of your feelings is rape. Sorry but it is. It doesn't matter how you dress it up, no means no, stop you're hurting me means no, not stopping means no respect and it's rape.

I would seriously tell him that you do not want a rapist as a husband and that if he cannot take your feelings on board you will have to consider your future together.

scattercushion · 15/04/2008 12:02

Yes this has happened to me too. I completely know what you mean about them getting defensive. Reading above, yes it's right and correct not to put up with it but what is needed is the diplomatic and least combative way to improve things.

For example - one tip is to put your hand between his hip and your body when doggy style to absorb some of the force (ooh it is cringy talking like this isn't it? )
Also - put on a super sexy voice and say 'I want you to come all over me' or 'on my face' or something - that encourages him to finish off using his hand not your poor body, if he needs to be a jackhammer to come.

scattercushion · 15/04/2008 12:04

steady on with the rape-ey words, girls!

doggiesayswoof · 15/04/2008 12:11

Those tips might help scatter but they won't get to the root of the problem - which is that ouchthathurts can't even talk to her dh without him getting all defensive.

Sounds like he has some issues - why does it have to be about his "performance" fgs? It's not all about him.

Oblomov · 15/04/2008 12:11

I think rapist is maybe a bit strong. But I think what he does/how he behaves is APPALLING.
And the answer to your Q:
Is this normal ?
NO IT IS DEFINITELY NOT.

MrsMacaroon · 15/04/2008 12:12

yes, i think the OP would have mentioned feeling raped if she did... the point is the lack of effective communication.

Oblomov · 15/04/2008 12:13

"It's not all about him. "
Yes it is.
Well, it is certainly not al all about HER.

doggiesayswoof · 15/04/2008 12:17

Here's a thought ouch - is he so clueless about sex that he thinks that faster & harder = better performance, so as well as his own pleasure he thinks he is actually doing what you want?

If you grin and bear it he's maybe not realising how much pain you're in. (Although granted he's not exactly making it easy for you to tell him!)

How much experience has he had before, with other partners? He just sounds so clueless, sorry. that you had to explain to him that he shouldn't stop what he's doing when you're about to have an orgasm.

CoteDAzur · 15/04/2008 12:18

Go on top!

hecate · 15/04/2008 12:20

So ouch, what are you going to do about it??

hecate · 15/04/2008 12:22

Apart from getting a carrot and ramming it repeatedly up his arse while yelling "How do you like it, how do you like it?" that is??

madamez · 15/04/2008 12:24

It does sound a little bit rape-y to me. However, if the OP is backing down and doing the grin-and-bear-it thing then her DP has some (though not much) excuse for thinking that when she complains she's just being a moany woman because she's had a bad day and she doesn't really mind. She needs to tell him firmly that it's not acceptable and if he does it again, push him off, stop the sex and leave the room.
(NB, horrible as it is to have to suggest this, there is a possibility that the man will not accept being pushed off and will continue the sex against her will. If this happens, at least she will know that the relationship is not worth pursuing any longer but I hope it doesn't get that far.)

I would also advise the OP to see a doctor anyway because sometimes pain during sex is a sign of something a bit wrong that needs fixing, but what really needs fixing is her DP's inconsiderate and selfish behaviour in the bedroom.

Bluebutterfly · 15/04/2008 12:28

If I were you I would pre-empt him and say something like,

"This is not a criticism of your performance, but I would like you to consider my feelings about our sexlife, so if you think that you are capable of listening to me without getting defensive, we need to have this conversation, or I am afraid I will be unable to continue to have sex with you, and that is not what I want because I find you very attractive.

I often find sex with you very painful and not in a good way. It may be the position that we usually have sex in that is the problem, or it may be that you are well endowed, but whatever the reason, it is painful for me and I do not enjoy it which is a shame because, as I say, I find you very attractive (note the ego massaging ).

I would like to try to have more gentle sex, so if you think that you can manage that, that would be great. Otherwise I think this situation is going to have serious repercussions for our relationship"

If he gets defensive, remind him that not everything in the world is about him.