Not enjoy sex in new relationship

[Overtherainbowxo]

I've been seeing a new man for seven weeks and we get on really well, he's supportive and kind, overall a good man. Conversations flow and he always has something positive to say. I love this aspect of the relationship, as it feels really refreshing.

However, just over two week ago we began being intimate. The first time was all a bit of a rush and over pretty quickly. I put it down to nerves and didn't think too much about it. We've now had sex a few times, and each time it seems to be hurried, a lot of noise about it being amazing and done.

The downside to this new man is that he is quite sensitive and does sometimes overthink things, so I feel really uncomfortable about approaching that I'm actually starting to dread having sex with him. I don't want to come across as a jerk and hurt his feelings however, I really don't enjoy it. It's really putting me of what I otherwise feel could be a good relationship.

How would you suggest that I approach this subject? He says he likes to be the boss in the bedroom, but it's really just a case of a quick tease, in, make lots of noise and then done in 4 minutes. There's no tenderness or time taken and I really don't like it. What can I do?

Next time tell him you can't have penetrative sex tonight but let's have fun other ways and see how it goes?
Surely there's foreplay?

And if the foreplay isn't good enough/long enough then why are you allowing him to move onto penetration before you're ready?

He doesn't sound interested in sex, and quite clueless. Sorry to say, but I don't think this relationship will work.

Isn’t it strange how it’s easier to put up with a very intimate physical act than talk about it!

You need to talk. It doesn’t need to be critical but explain what you like and need amd hopefully he’ll be glad to go for it. Surely you’d be happy if he told you what really turned him on. If he gets angry or dismissive then at least you now know this isn’t your man.

Good luck.

Tell him you're on your period and want to do other stuff not penetrative sex. That's a double test of him. See how he reacts to both bits of info

Oof very difficult. Tbh I'm quite good at taking charge, so I did, including tying dp up so that I dictated the pace ( with his enthusiastic consent). He also read a very helpful article in the paper about exactly how long it takes the average woman to become aroused - he genuinely had no idea. Given a bit of on the job training, things improved hugely. But tbh dp sounds a lot better than this guy.

If you like him a lot, I'd try, a bit. But I wouldn't flog a dead horse for too long.

Just take the lead and guide him/show him what you want to happen. An attentive lover is a good lover. If he doesn't respond to your cues he's bad/selfish. And If he can't take your non verbal hints then the next step is talking to him about it. Should be possible to do it in a constructive way - tell him what you want him to do to you, rather than what you don't want him to do.

Just because he likes to be the boss in the bedroom doesn't excuse him from trying to pleasure you. And do you really want a partner who's always dominant in bed? Is it not better to take turns being dom/sub/equals during sex?

Occasionally, the sexual chemistry just isn't there and two people simply aren't compatible. In my experience that's pretty unusual though, it's more usually just down to them not making the effort.

When he says he likes to be dominant, does he actually mean he doesn't want to be challenged and doesn't want to talk about it? Is he only nice when he's getting his own way?

You just need to teach him what you like. He could just be inexperienced.

Talk of being the boss in the bedroom sounds like he's saying things that he thinks men should be in order to impress women in the 1970s "oh you're so strong and masterful" crap.

Why not suggest a massage and get some oils and candles etc and whatever it is you like and help him understand how to please you and show him how enjoyable just lazing about together and touching and teasing etc can be. (And then he can have his four minutes of noisy fun at the end).

Going against the grain here, but: dump him.

if he’s so clueless about your dissatisfaction that he’s allowing this 4-minute farce to take place, I think he’s a lost cause. I don’t believe you should have to teach a new partner how to pleasure you to this extent. And the lack of tenderness combined with the awkwardness and speed? Nah. He’s a bad shag. Onto the next.

Listen to your dread, OP. It’s telling you what we/he can’t.

I think I’d probably have a chat, give it one more go and if there’s no progress, move on. It’s only been 7 weeks, it shouldn’t be this tricky.

After only 7 weeks, I'd give it a miss. Especially if he's old enough that he should know better. He sees sex as just for him to achieve orgasm, if he's that selfish in bed, he will be dismissive of you being a woman in other ways. It kinda goes hand in hand with the type who say they are traditional men and " know how to treat a lady". Might come across as sweet at the start, but it could be hiding general misogyny. Don't be his wank receptacle.

Step one: talk. Ask him what he means by 'boss'. Talk about what you want and need and that you expect also achieve orgasm.

See how he resounds. What he says and his follow up will determine step two.

Be the boss in bed = selfish and crap in bed

You deserve better. He doesn't think this is amazing, he doesn't care as long as he gets off.

Any adult male over 25 who thinks that’s a satisfactory sexual encounter for his partner is beyond help. I’d move on. Even more so if he’s so “sensitive” that you’re already wary of bringing up an issue.

You know this is bollocks, right?

There are masses of exercises he could do to learn to last longer, both solo and partnered ones, if he cared enough to do so.
The internet, books, sex therapists all have plenty of suggestions that work...

Whether that's the main, or indeed only problem here is another matter...

Ah, summer holidays...

We've now had sex a few times, and each time it seems to be hurried, a lot of noise about it being amazing and done.

So it's not for you. Just bin him off.

Better to get rid than marry him!

I'd just dump him, it's unlikely to get better

The lack of foreplay is a bit crap but the "done in 4 minutes" bit may not be untypical. Someone linked me to this very funny video of the difference between porn sex and real sex, which claims that 75% of men last no more than 3 minutes. (The rest of the numbers in the video seem quite plausible.)

Likes being dominant in bed = shit in bed and you're not allowed to mention it

LTB

This 100%. You are starting to dread having sex with him. You don’t feel comfortable talking about or being honest about the sexual experience you are having with him. You are worried about him being sensitive and him reacting badly.

This doesn’t sound good for you at all. And you matter too.

These are all deal breakers for me (despite the good elements of the relationship you listed).

Walk away now. Neither of you are connecting at an intimate level. You are not compatible in enough areas for the relationship to work.

I largely agree with this. Bollocks to candles and massages. But I would try a couple of small things before giving up!

First: Say SLOW DOWN PLEASE! I used to use some little encouraging phrase like "this rhythm doesn't work for me, can we do it more like this?"

Second: At the first sign of oncoming nookie, introduce the subject of foreplay. Like, CAN WE HAVE SOME MORE FOREPLAY PLEASE?

Third: If he doesn't care enough about your enthusiastic enjoyment, dump the fucker.