Page 2 | Not enjoy sex in new relationship

Overtherainbowxo · 2024-08-06T21:49:30+00:00

I've been seeing a new man for seven weeks and we get on really well, he's supportive and kind, overall a good man. Conversations flow and he always has something positive to say. I love this aspect of the relationship, as it feels really refreshing. However, just over two week ago we began being intimate. The first time was all a bit of a rush and over pretty quickly. I put it down to nerves and didn't think too much about it. We've now had sex a few times, and each time it seems to be hurried, a lot of noise about it being amazing and done. The downside to this new man is that he is quite sensitive and does sometimes overthink things, so I feel really uncomfortable about approaching that I'm actually starting to dread having sex with him. I don't want to come across as a jerk and hurt his feelings however, I really don't enjoy it. It's really putting me of what I otherwise feel could be a good relationship. How would you suggest that I approach this subject? He says he likes to be the boss in the bedroom, but it's really just a case of a quick tease, in, make lots of noise and then done in 4 minutes. There's no tenderness or time taken and I really don't like it. What can I do?

Mmhmmn · 07/08/2024 00:50

Dump, sorry. Not workable. You’d regret staying with him. You can’t teach consideration and genuine interest in giving pleasure.

SamW98 · 07/08/2024 00:52

So being the boss in bed = no foreplay going in dry 2 pumps and a squirt - with added yelling - and you’re supposed to be satisfied?

I suppose talking to him saying you need more foreplay and to try things differently is worth a try but if that doesn’t help then I think it’s cut your losses and run

theduchessofspork · 07/08/2024 00:56

On one level, I’d say a bloke who covers up his cluelessness/selfishness by saying he likes to be the boss isn’t worth your time, but as he has other good qualities..

You just have to woman up and have the conversation. Pick somewhere neutral well away from the bedroom, say you are really enjoying the relationship but sex is over too quickly for you, so you need to slow things down. No point no being clear.

If he takes it on, great.

If he doesn’t, you haven’t wasted too much time.

CheekyHobson · 07/08/2024 01:15

You can’t teach consideration and genuine interest in giving pleasure.

Very true. You can make him aware that he needs to put in more effort if he wants you to stick around, but the results you will get (possibly only temporarily) will be a long way from the quality of sex you get with someone for whom his partner’s pleasure is genuinely important.

MellowYellow552 · 07/08/2024 01:27

SamW98 · 07/08/2024 00:52

So being the boss in bed = no foreplay going in dry 2 pumps and a squirt - with added yelling - and you’re supposed to be satisfied?

I suppose talking to him saying you need more foreplay and to try things differently is worth a try but if that doesn’t help then I think it’s cut your losses and run

This made me laugh, it sounds like George Roper from George and Mildred.

RawBloomers · 07/08/2024 01:30

You could try telling him you don’t want a boss in the bedroom, you want a lover. See what he says.

But realistically I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it that’s likely to get you much joy.

If you can’t talk to someone about your sex life because they’re “too sensitive” and they aren’t sensitive enough to discern that you aren’t enjoying it, then they aren’t someone to have sex with. Move on.

BigPussyEnergy · 07/08/2024 01:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Of course you can, but he has to want to. DP was a bit quick off the mark the first couple of times, but now we take our time, I’ve learned to read his cues and slow down, he’s more attuned to what I like, and after a few months I’d say it’s the best sex I’ve ever had. It can change, but not if he thinks what he’s doing is good enough.

Original poster

Overtherainbowxo · 07/08/2024 03:16

Thanks for all the messages.

I do encourage foreplay and have already gone with the slow down approach. He does do foreplay but it doesn't last very long. He has ADHD and I feel like this may be some cause of it. Feels like a lot of things are rushed to get to the end result.

There always seems to be this rush of a quick fumble, like he thinks it's adding to some
kind of passion I'm clearly not feeling, followed on by a lot of moaning and "omg that was amazing!" And I'm just lying there feeling like I've just survived a tornado.

I know if I approach it, it will result in him getting upset. I'm not sure if I can deal with that every time I need to speak up about something. I think because my last partner was such a shit, the other parts of this new man seem extra lovely. But surely there will be someone who it'll all click with much more naturally. I can hope at least.

Once again, thank you so much for your comments.

OP posts:

PomPomtheGreat · 07/08/2024 03:38

"I know if I approach it, it will result in him getting upset."

Not good enough on his part. I'd lose this one pronto.

XChrome · 07/08/2024 04:07

Getitgirl · 06/08/2024 23:40

Going against the grain here, but: dump him.

if he’s so clueless about your dissatisfaction that he’s allowing this 4-minute farce to take place, I think he’s a lost cause. I don’t believe you should have to teach a new partner how to pleasure you to this extent. And the lack of tenderness combined with the awkwardness and speed? Nah. He’s a bad shag. Onto the next.

Listen to your dread, OP. It’s telling you what we/he can’t.

Agree. Concern for your partner's pleasure cannot be taught. He either has it or he doesn't.

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/08/2024 04:18

He has ADHD and I feel like this may be some cause of it.

@Overtherainbowxo I don’t think ADHD has anything at all to do with it. I’ve had amazing sex with someone who has ADHD and they weren’t over sensitive either.

Also, I don’t think being bad in bed, oblivious to your partner or unable to discuss sex is a symptom of ADHD.

This has more to do with sexual chemistry and some to do with performance.

Joystir59 · 07/08/2024 04:22

Getitgirl · 06/08/2024 23:40

Going against the grain here, but: dump him.

if he’s so clueless about your dissatisfaction that he’s allowing this 4-minute farce to take place, I think he’s a lost cause. I don’t believe you should have to teach a new partner how to pleasure you to this extent. And the lack of tenderness combined with the awkwardness and speed? Nah. He’s a bad shag. Onto the next.

Listen to your dread, OP. It’s telling you what we/he can’t.

I agree with this. Life is too short. He sounds immature and doesn't care about your needs

Geran4 · 07/08/2024 04:26

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/08/2024 00:47

This 100%. You are starting to dread having sex with him. You don’t feel comfortable talking about or being honest about the sexual experience you are having with him. You are worried about him being sensitive and him reacting badly.

This doesn’t sound good for you at all. And you matter too.

These are all deal breakers for me (despite the good elements of the relationship you listed).

Walk away now. Neither of you are connecting at an intimate level. You are not compatible in enough areas for the relationship to work.

Show quote history

Totally agree with these comments. You’re worth more OP.

StarlightLady · 07/08/2024 06:47

It would be interesting to know how things have evolved in his past OP, but l don’t expect you to know that or ask him that.

l’m concerned about him wanting to be “boss in the bedroom”. Nobody wants a boss in anything who does not know what they are doing. I think you should be striving for equality in the bedroom. Is he going down on you even?

You certainly won’t come over as a “jerk” by discussing your wants and needs. I see no problem at all in saying something along the lines of, I’m not ready yet, slow down. Another option may be to get into bed with your knickers on and let him know when you are ready for them to come off. I’ve done the latter before but admittedly in a different type of scenario.

Good luck OP. x

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 07/08/2024 06:54

Getitgirl · 06/08/2024 23:40

Going against the grain here, but: dump him.

if he’s so clueless about your dissatisfaction that he’s allowing this 4-minute farce to take place, I think he’s a lost cause. I don’t believe you should have to teach a new partner how to pleasure you to this extent. And the lack of tenderness combined with the awkwardness and speed? Nah. He’s a bad shag. Onto the next.

Listen to your dread, OP. It’s telling you what we/he can’t.

Definitely. He’s not a bumbling teen learning what to do, he’s a grown up absolutely useless shag with delusions of grandeur who won’t improve. Dump, dump, dump.

Bastide · 07/08/2024 07:02

You’ve been seeing him for seven weeks and he’s a dreadful, selfish lover. So what if he ‘gets upset’? Why are you behaving as though the feelings of someone you hardly know are more important than yours?

C1N1C · 07/08/2024 07:12

Everyone thinks they're amazing until someone else points out how they can improve.

I'd take the risk. Tell him you like him, but that the style of sex isn't meshing with yours. Tell him when you want sex, but walk him through it... faster, slower, harder, softer... be vocal.

He's probably all talk because that's how he's always done it, and no-one has complained so far. If MN is anything to go by (all the above comments), you're going to dump him due to sh!t sex anyway, so what's the harm in a bit of honesty and training?

It sounds corny, but I've done this with all my partners! The first few romps are the explosive, passionate variety, but then I sit them down and say I want to get this right, what works for you. Guess what, every time is an orgasm for both of us.

bonzaitree · 07/08/2024 07:19

How old is he?

MoreHairyThanScary · 07/08/2024 07:28

Is there any chance of ED so he tries to get the penetrative bit over quickly ? ( which is why he wants to be in control?)

Agiftandacurse · 07/08/2024 08:16

Does he know you're not orgasming? If so he must either not care or none of his sexual partners have so it's not unusual for him. Either would be a 🏃‍♀️ for me!

AccountCreateUsername · 07/08/2024 08:33

Overtherainbowxo · 07/08/2024 03:16

Thanks for all the messages.

I do encourage foreplay and have already gone with the slow down approach. He does do foreplay but it doesn't last very long. He has ADHD and I feel like this may be some cause of it. Feels like a lot of things are rushed to get to the end result.

There always seems to be this rush of a quick fumble, like he thinks it's adding to some
kind of passion I'm clearly not feeling, followed on by a lot of moaning and "omg that was amazing!" And I'm just lying there feeling like I've just survived a tornado.

I know if I approach it, it will result in him getting upset. I'm not sure if I can deal with that every time I need to speak up about something. I think because my last partner was such a shit, the other parts of this new man seem extra lovely. But surely there will be someone who it'll all click with much more naturally. I can hope at least.

Once again, thank you so much for your comments.

It’s only been 7 weeks OP. I think if you’re already avoiding discussing something this important to avoid causing him upset, I’d be inclined to cut my losses. He may be lovely, but this is the honeymoon period.

If he’s saying he likes to be boss, then I wonder if he can’t easily orgasm unless the sex is quite frenetic.

I say cut your losses!