I want to divorce

[Newliferequired]

I want to divorce but I know my husband would not accept it. I want to stay in the family home with the kids as this is the best option for them. I feel stuck so am asking here for advice on how to approach it?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. However, its not as simple as simply staying in the family home.

I would assume you are both on the deeds. If this is the case, then he has no obligation to leave.

Likewise, if he still has a share in the house, you will either need to buy him out of his share, or sell the family home and find somewhere else to live.

If he moves out, through your choice, be prepared to have to pay all bills on top of your share of the mortgage ( if there is one ), or at the very least half of all bills.

In terms of what to do next, if you haven't done already talk to him. He might be feeling the same way.

A lot more information is needed here.

But from what you've said so far, it sounds like you want to carry on living in the house (that he presumably pays for, either 100% or 50/50), but have no relationship with him.

Are you expecting him to carry on having the kids when you want to go out or when (or if) you have to work?

Who is paying the bills, the mortgage, the council tax etc? If you're not already splitting them evenly, then do you expect him to carry on paying them? If he pays for everything right now, will he ask you for rent and half of the bills? Will you still do a big shop, or will your food be your responsibility and his food his responsibility?

If you divorce and either of you meets someone new, what happens then? Do they bring them round whilst the ex is there? How is this explained to the kids? Will you be sleeping in a spare bedroom? Will you expect your husband to sleep in another room and give you the master bedroom?

What will the atmosphere between the two of you be like? How will it affect the children, especially considering that the reason you want to stay is because you feel that it's what's best for them?

As I've said, so much more info or required here. But you've said that your husband wouldn't agree to this. So it sounds like you need a different plan. It sounds like you don't want him anymore, but you still want the house and the lifestyle that he gives you. I don't think it has anything to do with what's best for the kids, personally speaking.

I don't want his money beyond what's necessary for the kids and I will be paying my way. The house that we have is near the kids school in a nice area with a smallish mortgage. To rent anything at all would be either the same or more and we would have to move to a totally different area and the kids would have to move schools. I've tried to make the marriage work but it's not going to. I don't want him in the house at all and I'm willing to pay for it as much as I am able.

You don't need for him to agree to a divorce, you just petition it.
But you can't also just decide you want to stay in the house unless you can can buy his share with your divorce settlement.

I can't stay in the house even if it's best for the kids? I thought that sometimes the court let the kids and primary carer stay in the house until they are grown without anybody having to buy anybody out?

And what consideration are you making for his ability to move out and house the kids when he has them?

A mesher order is rare.
Is he in the top 1% and earns enough to give you the house and also create a home for him and the children?

You will need to plan how to raise the money to buy him out and secure you're own mortgage.
Would a bank approve you?

Op this is factually incorrect. Please ignore it.

The very first thing to do before you speak to your husband is make an appointment with a family lawyer, preferably one recommended to you. Then you will be able to act in the full knowledge of what you can do.

Op, head over to ADVICE NOW. the link is at top of the header of the DIVORCE board

read up on “fair settlement”. This is the law the courts have to apply to financial settlement whether you go with a “consent order” (where you can both agree and decide for yourselves) or the court determines the settlement cos you can’t agree. In either case “fair settlement” has to be met. There are around 10 criteria which you can look at and determine which apply to you and stbex . But settlements do not start with 50:50 . Courts like them to end there , but often it’s not possible.

no one here can tell you precisely how “fair settlement “ Will work in your case. But you will get a very good idea if you read the ADVICE NOW guides to understand realistically what is most likely outcome even if you fight it.

but,you need to understand that divorce WILL make you poorer- both of you. It WILL mean massive change for both of you, and you will not (unless extremely wealthy) be able to carry on with your lifestyle as before. Neither of you will. It is extremely hard to get your head around this and that settlement is made on future needs and nothing to do with past behaviour. The sooner you get to grips with what “fair settlement” means for you the sooner you can start to adjust to your new reality - it is a form of grief going through divorc3 with all the loss and change you’ll experience.

ADVICE NOW tell you clearly what you need solicitor for, what you don’t, and where you might. You do not need a solicitor to do your actual divorce. You can do it on line. Stbex does not have to agree any more. The government site is specifically writtten to not use solicitors.

any solicitor will tell you both to stay in your home if you’re on the deeds, until a financial settlement is signed. To do that you BOTH need to do a full legal fiancnailly disclosure (form E /D81). You should not agree to anything* before that disclosure is done, and he should not either if he has sense. Unfortunately, no matter how you hate the idea that he might stay in house, there is nothing you can do but accept it as a short unpleasant interval you have to deal with . There are rules around what you should and shouldn’t do whilst both in house. However, if he is abusive and you’ve called police before there are legal routes around abuse and threats to get him out of home . But that’s not to do with divorce process.

please do go to links, and inform yourself. It’s a hard read but the sooner you can get to point to accept what will happen, versus your hope of what you think should happen, the better. It’s not easy, but you can get there . I divorced after 30 years, and did much of it with ADVICE NOW guides avoiding huge solicitor bills.

Nope, first thing to do before “free” 30 mins with lawyer is to inform herself of process and “fair settllement “ law.

I’ve sent link to ADVICE NOW

I wish people would stop saying get a lawyer as first thing. This is the pathway to frazzling huge solcitor bills. Literally £3 or more for every minute you’re listening to the solcitor saying stuff about process or likely outcomes you could read for yourself. It isn’t actually hard to understand,

only go to solcitor once you’ve got yourself up to speed on process, what your situation is likely to end up with and law around “fair settllement” and actually have raised the petition yourself (do NOT ever use solicitor for that now - waste of money). Then you can go to solicitor knowing the exact tasks you want them to do (and there are tasks they do need to do) being precise, asking only those questions where you can’t find out your exact situation. Keep the costs as low as possible, and do as much grunge work as possible. Do not spend money on the “helpless, I don’t know what to do” stuff or the “poor me, he’s a shit” stuff. A solicitor will charge you for that privilege, for every second you are making them think about your case.

Yep sometimes you need more solicitor help; where spouse is abusive, if there are business interests, if spouse is trying to lie on financial settllement. But in a lot of cases you can do most stuff yourselves and not crack up those£10k bills people quote here all the time.

and frankly, any solicitor with family law can handle 95% of divorce cases. Go for anyone local whose office you can stand in and look at face to face to chase them. You do not need “good “ lawyer or start down adversarial route form start. It really doesn’t help, and it will just cost more and take longer. Only need “good lawyer” if you’ve millions, or a lot of surplus wealth you’re squabbling over after fair settlement requirements are met. And you’ve years to waste on a divorce.

Hmmm, it’s all correct.

I’m a lawyer and see cases like this all the time.

You think OP can stay in the house rent/mortgage free and not pay any bills?

Op, when financial settlement is made, a disclosure has to be done on both sides, it’s a legal requirement.
you need to understand exactly what asset are involved. For instance if you have kids your pension may be affected by non working periods. You will have entitlement to some of that. Please do not overlook this- it could be a big difference to a retirement in poverty and one in a degree of comfort.

the legal process is the declaration have to be made for courts to approve financial agreements. The courts “seal” any order. Even consent orders. You should not state you don’t want this, or you want that until thst legal financial disclosure is done. How can you agree what you will both have until you both agree what asset there are in marriage and you’ve agreed that and legally declared it. That’s just risky and daft.

I never thought I'd stay in the house without paying any bills. I'd expect my husband to pay his share for the children which might include paying the mortgage for three years until I could move so that they could stay in their home while they need to. I would pay the other bills with my wages, benefits and the money he gives me for the children. I don't want any type of lifestyle. I just want to be able to keep the roof over the kids head.

I have talked to him already and he won't leave and he has the potential to be nasty. Every conversation we have I end up backing down and telling him that I will try harder. This is while he is continually cheating on me with many many people and makes living here a horrible place to be. I could work but don't because I can't handle the stress of him. I think going to work in this situation would break me. But I'm looking forward to having family around when he is gone who would help me get back into work.

I'm in no way defending him, but if he's paying the mortgage (when by your account it's about the same cost as renting) how would he be able to afford to rent a place himself? Not to mention on top of what he would give you in child support.

If you don't think he would agree to a divorce, I can't imagine he'd also be up for leaving at your request and paying the mortgage in full along with child support payments.

Because our joint mortgage is a small proportion of his income when it would be more than half of mine.

As previous posters have said, divorce requires significant lifestyle adjustments, not least because two people now need to maintain homes sufficient for the needs of them and the children from the same pool of money. You will need to return to the workforce at some point, but everything in good time. Check the Entitled To website to see what benefits you might be entitled to in the event of divorce.

So you think he should pay for the mortgage for three years and pay child support?

OP, you really need to see a family divorce lawyer because your expectations are unrealistic.

I did see a divorce lawyer and this is what they told me. I don't think it's really fair that a horrible bloke should be able to control everything because he has more money. Surely no lawyer should be advocating that a high earning dad should be able to live a life of luxury while his kids grow up in poverty. What percentage of someone's earnings are you saying should go towards paying for their kids?

Go on an online Child Maintenance Calculator OP - this is the only money that he has to give you each month. He might pay the mortgage instead or child maintenance if they are similar figures but you need to pay him a percentage of the equity in the house.
If your child is in an exam year then you might get an order to say that he has to pay the mortgage until their exams are over but that’s 12/24 months tops.
If he’s self employed then he will be able to reduce child maintenance with creative (legal) accounting so be warned.

I'm sorry to say, I don't think you can force him out of the family home. I had a friend who divorced and she had to stay in the home with her husband who refused to leave, until the house was sold. It was awful but she has her own smaller place with the children now and she is so much happier, she's like a different person. I know you want to stay in the home but honestly if selling the house and moving is the price to pay for being free of the tosser, it will be worth it. Do whatever it takes to get away from him, keep your eyes on the future and freedom. Good luck OP 💐

I have nowhere else to go

I’m sorry OP but you aren’t able to force him out of the house, and no court is going to make him continue paying for you to live there.

Your options are either

1. You move out, he buys you out or the house is sold and you get (roughly) 50% of the equity to set yourself up somewhere else
2. You stay in the house and have to buy him out.

In order to do option 2 though you will need a job in order to be able to get a mortgage for the property yourself.

The only thing he will have to pay you once you are separated is child maintenance, he will not be paying your mortgage or bills, all he will be paying is the CMS amount towards his children.

He can't not accept it, you instruct a solicitor and start divorce proceedings, he can be difficult and drag the process out, but he can't stop it.

Re the house, he has every right to stay in the house and doesn't have to move out. If you can afford it you could buy him out, but if you can't afford to do that then you will have to force a sale via the courts if he won't agree to selling and then a judge will decide the % you each get. This will include pensions, savings, cars and any debt you may have regardless of whose name it's in. The % you receive will depend on a number of factors, but you both need to house yourselves and the dc. It's based on needs.

This sounds like a cake and eat it situation.

You sound like you don't work and that in three years the kids are self sufficient (no?). So you've been a SAHM for all that time? And now that the kids are almost out, you want him to take care of you and the kids, and keep paying the mortgage?

To be honest, if I were a judge, I'd give the kids to him. He works, has the more secure situation, and is likely to provide for the kids the best. I wouldn't be looking at this from a male/female situation, better way of life for the kids wins.

(Unpopular opinion)