Helping children come to terms with mum dating?

[SunnyWindowCrackWokeMeUp]

I've been seeing a chap for a while quietly, and it's become clear that it's a real thing.

I have therefore told my dc that I am dating someone.

They are with me 24/7 so hiding that I'm meeting this chap and when I'm talking to him on the phone has been tricky and i did not want to continue that and be found out and then them consequently feel they couldn't trust me.

I have no plans to introduce him to them any time soon (although they do know him because we knew each other before becoming romantically involved and he had been to my house before), I have just told them in order to be honest, and to begin to help them come to terms with the idea of mum having someone else important in her life.

1 of them is autistic. He is finding it really tricky. He is scared that I am going to go away and leave them and never come back (this is an irrational fear he has generally in any case), and he currently feels like I have ruined his life.
The other is NT, but is also finding it very tricky though on the surface coping better. He wrote a poem about how confusing and upsetting it is, and how he wished everything could be normal again. It was heartbreaking. He is most worried about having to share my attention and time.

I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to help them to cope?

I am reassuring them regularly that I love them more than anything, nothing will ever stop that or change it, that I will never go off and leave them. If I go out I will always come back as I always have in the past.
I have gently pointed out that I deserve to be happy and that this man is making me happy.
They said why weren't they enough for me, and said I have female friends so why do I need this man as well. I said it is just different and we get different things from different people and that is ok. I have pointed out how I support them in their friendships and don't get offended when they want their friends instead of me.

I am encouraging them to talk to me about it rather than throwing things (autistic dc has thrown quite a few things over past few days) and listening to their feelings and validating them as feelings (hopefully) while gently trying to help them see another perspective

The dc are 12 and 13. I have been single since they were toddlers and contact with their father is sporadic and often problematic for them. I am sure that this has something to do with it. They would hate it if I got back together with him (not that I ever would) and he has sadly modelled a very negative view of men and how they treat women.

Bump?

Why can't he just be mum's friend? Why do you need the kids to know that it's romantic/sexual?

Personally I'd put my kids first and wait for my own needs. But I'm not saying that's the right thing to do.

I would never date again, but that's me.

I am sure someone wise will come along soon.

Yes, just refer to him as a friend.

In what way are they feeling things are different? They don't see the two of you together, so what's changed in the kids lives?

How long have you been dating? If it’s more than 6 or 7 months I would get them to meet him asap - I wouldn’t even tell them in advance as it just gives them more time to get worked up. Fear of the unknown is always much scarier than the known. Once they meet him (low key, round for a cup of tea or out for a walk or something) and they realise he doesn’t have three heads and isn’t going to whisk you off to the spirit realm they may calm down and come to see him as a good thing in their lives rather than competition. I didn’t introduce mine for a year but they were younger, so if it is feasible I would just do it.

We haven't been dating long enough to introduce him. In reality it doesn't change their lives at all but they feel like it does. He can't just be mums friend because they are clever kids and they would never believe that. In any case, that cat isn't going back into the bag.

I realise that in ordinary circs keeping it secret and waiting until it's properly serious and he can be introduced is the norm and maybe the ideal, but my kids have massive trust issues so finding out that mum has been forming a significant attachment behind their back would have been much more harmful for them personally.

It's incredibly unhelpful to post saying - don't date. I am, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I haven't for years and years. I wasn't planning to. But this person is very special and has turned around me my previously held views on men. Frankly I don't think raising the kids thinking that mum doesn't deserve a private life is healthy.

I just need advice on how to help them to come to terms with this.

Ignore the holier than thou "I would never date" brigade. My husband has brought nothing but joy and security to our lives. Why should my child have missed out on the bond with him and his parents because her father wanted nothing to do with us?

❤️

I would be very very clear and direct with them.

Explain that that change is confusing and it is normal to feel a bit of anxiety about it, But that doesn't mean it is a bad thing.
Explain that never ever would you abandon them. That you understand their dad was unreliable and that has made them anxious, but you are not unreliable. You have always been there.
Explain that you are a person as well as a mum and you need friendships and love. That this is normal and natural for grown ups and in no way means you will choose a lover instead of them.
Explain, as they grow older, it is normal to spend a little bit of time away from your mum, and then return. So if you go out one evening it is no different from them going out to school. You go out to do something and then you come home, just like they do.

It's really important to both reassure them and establish a balance where you are not enslaved by their needs at the expense of your own. Teach them to tolerate things which are healthy and normal in life - temporary separation, the introduction of a new person into the social mix. Small changes to routine. This is good for them.

Can you find a reliable babysitter and pay them to come and visit on a number of occasions while you are there, to familiarise them with your children. then have them keep an eye while you go to the shops etc, so you gradually build up to being away for an evening or day or - longer term - weekend.

Thank you. That is all very helpful. A babysitter is a good idea, because although they are a bit older I don't want to leave them alone if they're feeling anxious. Thanks

From what you say in your op it sounds like you are handling it perfectly. Just carry on with the reassurance, they'll eventually see that nothing has really changed. Communication and not rushing are key, and it's clear that you are already doing that.

I thought you were going to say they were 7 and 8 not 12 and 13. I have 2 Autistic children so I say this with full knowledge of how hard any change is but you need to stop pandering to them so much. You are allowed to date and it sounds like you are doing it with your children's safety/feelings at the front of your mind and not introducing them to a string of boyfriends.

They are absolutely allowed to feel unsettled and need time to adjust, which means you carry on reassuring them that you will always love them. What you don't do is tell them nothing will change because it will, you will want to introduce your boyfriend to them one day and he will become part of their lives if your relationship continues, they know this so acknowledging it shows you are aware that some of their fears are founded, you start preparing them for that change.

Personally now you've told them I would be planning a meeting sooner rather than later to ease their tensions. Meet at a cafe for a short period away from their safe space, the longer you leave it the bigger there negative feelings towards this man will get.

Thanks. I don't feel juke I'm handling it well but perhaps I just need to be more patient. I know they will eventually get used to it, but I want to make it easier for them however I can

Of course you can date, no one bats an eyelid when a father finds a new partner and yet there are still people who judge women for also wanting to find happiness with someone. It's a lonely life raising children on your own and they won't be scarred for life by their mother having a boyfriend. As long as you take it slowly and ensure it's right for all of you it will be fine.

This is interesting.

I have actually said that things will not change right now and told them that how ever things might progress is will be slow and there will be no rush. So I don't think im trying to promise nothing will ever change. I'm trying to help them to see that things aren't going to suddenly all become different iyswim.

Meeting sooner is a radical idea. I shall think on it. Thank you. Currently my autistic son is saying he will kill him if he ever sees him again. I know that he won't, and he is just expressing how strongly he is feeling. I have had many convos with him about this not being an ok thing so say.

I don't feel like I'm pandering but I will consider it

I wonder if they have unspoken (or even subconscious) concerns about how he treats you based on their experience of your relationship with their dad? And because they haven’t seen you together they are forming a mental picture of what that might be like and it scares them a bit? I don’t know, I might be way off here..!

I know you think it’s too soon to introduce him, and you will know best about that but do you think it might help to show them photos of you together, maybe out for a meal or something? And point out, look I’m smiling because he said a kind thing/made me laugh etc…If they have underlying worries that might help…?

I have two ND nieces and my sister spends a lot of her time ‘preparing the way ahead’ for something new like this - I’m sure that’s v familiar to you too! Perhaps they just need lots more of what you are already doing..talking, reassuring, explaining what it looks like in practice. It sounds like you’ve all been through a lot and it’s lovely that you’ve found someone you care about and who cares about you. Your children will eventually adapt and may well flourish and benefit from a positive male role model further down the line.

When my mum first started dating, several years after my dad died, I found it pretty uncomfortable and didn’t really want to know tbh. I was late teens and already at uni but I just found the concept a bit ick! Not very mature of me! I never met the guy, it finished and a few years later she met my stepdad. I met him fairly early on (obvs I was a young adult so different to your DC) and it was fine from the start, because I could see how lovely he was and my mum was really happy.

Maybe you need to just be patiently dispelling myths and painting an accurate picture at this stage so they have a clearer idea of what it actually is. Maybe also they need to know that it’s not just you who is clear that you’ll never leave them, that’s what he thinks too. Knowing that he’s a kind boyfriend who cares about you and wants the best for them might help them to think about him more positively. 😊

Keep going, you sound like a lovely mum….and it’s fine for you to have a personal life too. You will all get there with time and patience.

My gut instinct is to put your children first. If your son is talking so violently about your boyfriend then that’s something you can’t ignore. They are at a tricky stage of life anyway and need you to be totally there for them. Maybe best to let the relationship go for now and prioritise your children’s needs?

I think that OP is clearly putting her children first already - doing the right thing by your kids doesn’t always mean doing what they want!

Personally the ‘I’ll kill him if I see him’ comment would make me think a) he’s probs got some fears about this - I can put him straight on those and b) here’s a very important lesson for him to learn, that threats like that will not change things and he needs to learn that they are unacceptable things to say. Imagine what DS would learn if op said ‘ok I won’t see bf again’ after that! So no, I agree you can’t ignore it, but I’d do the exact opposite to what you are suggesting…

I think you have hit the nail on the head. They did in fact say they were afraid that he would hurt me if he got angry, and so I told them about red flags and explained that I was on the lookout and had only seen the opposite. But yes, that is definitely a fear which is adding to the normal childhood jealousy of sharing mum, and the ND fear of change.

I will consider your thoughtful advice

I have actually been very firm with my autistic ds yesterday and this morning about re-iterating that boundaries around threats and physical harm apply to him as much as everyone else and it is absolutely unacceptable for him to say these things and to keep lashing out at me.

He doesn't usually lash out, and I know it only happens when he is very distressed. I am adept at handling meltdowns and deescalating.

I am also adept at spotting the difference between a meltdown and attempts to use violence for manipulation. There has been a bit of the second yesterday and I am using my tried and tested strategies to deal with it.
I do, however, find that kindness is the most effective way of getting through eventually.

Sounds like you are doing a great job OP and have your children's best interests at heart. If you didn't you wouldn't be posting.

I am also a single parent so understand. I have dated but not got serious with anyone yet. So don't have any advice as such. Just wanted to say you are allowed to date and find happiness. Doing that is not mutually exclusive with prioritising your children.

Some of my friends have said they would never date again if they found themselves single. Well they aren't so that's easy to say isn't it. I love my children more than anything but I am more than just their mother. I would never put a man before them, but also won't be made to feel guilty for not wanting to be alone forever if I find someone special. Their dad waited about 5 minutes 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can I ask how & where do you see him if you have your kids 24/7 ? Especially now as it's the summer holidays & they aren't at school.

Approx once a week, during daytime hours, kids go to their grandparents.

My reason for asking is that my kids suffered this which led to them moving in with me and now my daughter will have nothing to do with her mum. It doesn't sound like you are at that stage but just a word of warning - my ex wife starting dating (nothing wrong with that & I was too) but over a 3 year period she had 3 or 4 "boyfriends" that within a few months of knowing them would stay over. My youngest is Autistic and it finally came to a head when he & boyfriend almost came to blows. My kids tried telling her that they didn't feel safe in their own home and could he not be staying over. She said that she couldn't choose between them & her boyfriend so they chose for her.

5 years later and the 2 boys probably see their mum once every few months. As I said, my daughter wont have anything to do with her anymore. Their ages are 17,19 & 21 - so 12, 14 & 16 when this all happened.

Please put your children first. I wouldn't have him coming over at all and any dating should be on neutral territory or at his.

For context - when it all happened & they moved in with me I had been seeing someone for 5 years. She hadn't met them & still hasn't, but thats more to do with me than anything else. That relationship is all but over & we only see each other as friends, mainly because I couldn't commit to moving the relationship on and certainly wouldn't want to be a blended family.

Ok, there are literally no similarities and your word of warning is incredibly patronising but I'm sure you felt you were being helpful.