Helping children come to terms with mum dating?

[SunnyWindowCrackWokeMeUp]

I've been seeing a chap for a while quietly, and it's become clear that it's a real thing.

I have therefore told my dc that I am dating someone.

They are with me 24/7 so hiding that I'm meeting this chap and when I'm talking to him on the phone has been tricky and i did not want to continue that and be found out and then them consequently feel they couldn't trust me.

I have no plans to introduce him to them any time soon (although they do know him because we knew each other before becoming romantically involved and he had been to my house before), I have just told them in order to be honest, and to begin to help them come to terms with the idea of mum having someone else important in her life.

1 of them is autistic. He is finding it really tricky. He is scared that I am going to go away and leave them and never come back (this is an irrational fear he has generally in any case), and he currently feels like I have ruined his life.
The other is NT, but is also finding it very tricky though on the surface coping better. He wrote a poem about how confusing and upsetting it is, and how he wished everything could be normal again. It was heartbreaking. He is most worried about having to share my attention and time.

I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to help them to cope?

I am reassuring them regularly that I love them more than anything, nothing will ever stop that or change it, that I will never go off and leave them. If I go out I will always come back as I always have in the past.
I have gently pointed out that I deserve to be happy and that this man is making me happy.
They said why weren't they enough for me, and said I have female friends so why do I need this man as well. I said it is just different and we get different things from different people and that is ok. I have pointed out how I support them in their friendships and don't get offended when they want their friends instead of me.

I am encouraging them to talk to me about it rather than throwing things (autistic dc has thrown quite a few things over past few days) and listening to their feelings and validating them as feelings (hopefully) while gently trying to help them see another perspective

The dc are 12 and 13. I have been single since they were toddlers and contact with their father is sporadic and often problematic for them. I am sure that this has something to do with it. They would hate it if I got back together with him (not that I ever would) and he has sadly modelled a very negative view of men and how they treat women.

For FS OP go into town immediately and buy some sack cloth and fashion yourself a a suitably 'penitent' garment .. and when on the way home throw handfuls of ash over yourself to show MN how very very sorry you are for having the audacity to want a relationship with an adult human male..

.. but seriously. I would introduce him as soon as possible. I know the MN 'rule' is not before 6 months.. but I think that is total nonsense. I wouldn't want to invest 6 months in an unrealistic relationship. It's unrealistic because you AREN'T a single person.

At the moment you are getting to know your man as a single woman. How he behaves and how you behave with him is not 'real' because you have 2 DC. He may be someone who doesn't interact well with children. Why wait and find that out 6 months down the line when having to break up will be so much harder ?

DH and I introduced our kids at 8 weeks.. in a non threatening way . We went to the seaside for the day . Neutral territory. Then we all went bowling . Then out for lunch. but over the next 3 months they got accustomed to it.

He didn't stay over alone with me and the kids until about the year mark but soon after we had everyone together on a camping trip . Where we had our own tent and all the kids were in one.. little and often..

They are all grown now and we have been married for 18 years.

Please don't listen to this 'MN mummy-martyr' nonsense. You have the right to a happy life.

(BTW) one of ours is severely autistic, was at a special school and had particular issues with change - and he coped fabulously as long as things weren't kept secret. )

DH ex was far far harder work than the kids ever were !

In reality it doesn't change their lives at all but they feel like it does

I think you're along the right lines with identifying with them why it feels to them like it changes things.

I am reassuring them regularly that I love them more than anything, nothing will ever stop that or change it, that I will never go off and leave them. If I go out I will always come back as I always have in the past
I have gently pointed out that I deserve to be happy and that this man is making me happy

With the utmost respect, this is all about you, and what you plan to do about how you feel. Even when you say 'nothing will stop me loving you', this is about you. I can see why you'd say it and exactly where you're coming from. Get them to talk about them. Be curious rather than telling them things. If you're hurting, someone telling you things how they are (even if they're right) doesn't help anywhere near as much as someone saying 'Tell me more about how you feel; I want to understand you completely.'

This is a good point which I will take on board

Opening paragraph made me laugh so hard.

Thing is because the kids had met him before more than once, before we were an item, I do know how he interacts with them and they actually liked him them, so that is a good sign.

I think at the moment it is enough for the children for me to be honest and help them get accustomed to the idea of mummy with someone, before moving to them actually having to see it. So I am not going to rush into meetings at this point, but I do appreciate the POV from someone with a similar experience

Mine are slightly older (and no autism). The 14 year old, who is a bit immature, does sometimes get worked up about it. I console her but also tell her to stay in her lane.

I don’t discuss it, I don’t offer them a meet up. This part of my life is separate and won’t be joining up any time soon.

You can be upset, but you don’t get to control.

I have also, whilst dating met men whose own mothers decided not to date. Some for themselves, some ‘for the children’. None of those men think better of their mothers for doing that: the majority say “God, I wish she had” or some “It’s best for everyone out there that she didn’t”, but no-one has appreciated it at all. Even those with hideous step mothers.

That's interesting @MoveToParis