Struggling with fitting in and with in laws and SIL as a former victim of abuse.

[Lookatthesun83]

I’m struggling at the moment to really fit in the world and find my place post abuse. Some of it was truly awful, forced sex and terminations of pregnancies that no one has ever known.

I am in another relationship and I do ok most of the time. It’s just some of his family make extremely naive comments that I find very hurtful, especially his sister in law. I have an older daughter with ADHD and oppositional disorder. I suspect this has been inherited from her father who she has little contact with. It would explain some of his behaviour and lack of empathy. Anyway. The SIL has made comments in my presence that naughty children haven’t been loved enough and that her children are the perfect example of great parenting. I’ve tried my absolute best. Left an abusive marriage with £150. I now own my own home but yes I struggle with her behaviour, but it hasn’t been due to lack of love. His parents also make comments.

Im not sure if im just too sensitive or whether Im right to feel so out of place. I just want to shake them and make them aware that some people have been through such difficult times and empathy wouldn’t be too much to ask. In people’s presence I often just feel so different. I try really hard to fit but I can’t undo the feelings I feel inside and the things I’ve been through.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and for the trauma that you have endured.
Do your partners family know about your past or about your daughter's ADHD? It seems incredibly insensitive if they do and continue to make such comments. Are you able to distance yourself from them? My partner's mother acted insensitively towards my children and I stopped them from coming to the house for over 9 months (when they visited every other week) as I wanted them to know that her behaviour would not be tolerated. Thankfully I had my partner's support. Have you spoken to your partner about Thier comments and how they make you feel?
It is clear that you are a strong person and a survivor! Don't tolerate it! You really do not need this kind of toxicity in your life!

@grannell they know that I was in an abusive relationship. I met my partner towards the end of a very lengthy court battle so it wasn’t a secret. I’ve not told anyone the extent of the abuse because I just don’t like to talk about it. They know about my daughter’s behaviour and the ADHD. They have made comments in the past about me not being as calm and as good a mum as the other DIL. It’s very hurtful because I really am doing the absolute best I can despite trying to heal from the trauma. I get the impression they just wish that their son didn’t pick me. I can’t really do anything about that. Despite everything I’m doing ok and I don’t think I’m at all a bad person. I do feel rejected from them and that does trigger me and I can’t help it. With everything I’ve been through acceptance is really important to me.

I’ve distanced myself as really they don’t want me around anyway. It’s sad as we have an almost 2 year old together. Me and the kids haven’t seen them over 2 months now. If we don’t visit then that’s that as they never come to my house now we live together in mine.

I don’t understand how people can be so mean. My past is the past, I wasn’t abused because I was to blame. They make me feel like I’m faulty and I should keep away.

You shouldn't need to tell them the details of your abuse for them to show you compassion and empathy! I think that keeping your distance is the best thing for you. It is them that are missing out by not seeing your two year old.
Have you accessed any counselling for what you have been through? The fact that you are questioning whether any of this is your fault suggests that you need to work on yourself and gain some self esteem. Then, you wouldn't need their acceptance! All you cand do is focus on yourself and your own little family and making that as happy and loving as you can. You have done an amazing job just surviving. They should admire you for that not male you feel inadequate.

As your relationship goes on you may find yourself naturally worrying less about how they see you. I know it's easy to say and hard to do but focus on your children and your partner and less on them. They are his blood family, your heart family is what matters.

I did have some therapy and attended courses etc. At the time I had an amazing IDVA. I have this little niggle that never seems to go that perhaps I’m just not quite right and people can see it. So maybe they see it and that’s why they don’t want a relationship with me. They are a close family and I really want to be a part of it and feel a part of it but I’m just not. I can’t relate to them or their views. I don’t think they have the empathy to relate to me. I try and focus on my family but I can’t help feeling rubbish that they are all going on holidays together etc and I’m an outsider.

I know. But I’d really like to be part of the family. But in order to be part I have to be someone else which I can’t be.

I appreciate that you want to be part of a family but some families aren't worth being part of.
I would be polite and cordial but they seems like judgemental arseholes and you should't chaneg who you are to try and fit in with them

You can't make them accept you. You are chasing something tgey don't want to give

You are right, they aren’t the family I thought. From the outside they are all close but on the inside they are very judgmental and think they are all perfect. I just can’t fit in. I think all the things I’ve been through have made me a very empathetic person and I can feel there judgment (well they openly talk about it). Perhaps I need to turn it around in my head and they not the family for me rather then something wrong with me.

I know. It stings when you’ve been through so much and just want a happy life now. Now I have to live a life with half a family who ignore me. My partner loves his family, it’s hard and I feel a little responsible.

Massive hugs. You’ve fought your way through so much shit and now you’re out the other side you deserve much better ILs. It’s not you, it’s them.

Even if they accepted you, they’d clearly make your daughter feel second best. So for you to keep your distance and focus on other relationships is best, for her and for you.

I hope you take a moment, often, to look at how far you’ve come and appreciate how strong you’ve been. You’re doing brilliantly, and raising your daughter sounds challenging (find support here - Facebook has relevant groups, most parents in your position feel the pressure and isolation so must seek each other out).

There's nothing wrong with you - they sound horrible to be honest, who makes comparisons like that? I worry that your past has made you set your boundaries too low so you can't see that this is also unacceptable behaviour.

Where is your partner in all this? How does he feel about your being left out and negatively compared to others?

How long have you been together? Abusive relationships are extremely difficult to process, it's taken me years to get over mine and to start letting my guard down. In my experience even the closet of my friends don't understand what I have been through and how hard I had to fight for my kids. They don't really understand why I haven't thrown myself into new relationships. I also own my own house and I'm very protective about it.
Like a lot of people who think they know about abuse, your SIL doesn't have a clue what she is talking about unfortunately.

But you are being judgemental about them, just leave them to it and get on with your life if you hate then so much why do they matter to you?

Yes my daughter’s behaviour is very challenging. I don’t need them relating it to my past and what I did wrong. We need support and loving and acceptance. I can’t do anything about the past. I do see how far I’ve come but it’s been really hard and taken a lot out of me. Sometimes I just need some kindness to know I’m doing ok.

In my heart I know it’s not acceptable. Decent people don’t behave like this. These people are all about looking good and I don’t fit.

This

Your partner/husband should also be addressing this judgemental and disapproving behaviour whether intentional or not. You shouldn't have to.

Don't forget, he chose you. You have a child together and a chance for a happy life and a completely different life for your daughter with a supportive stepfather. Try to focus on the positives in your life, not a few randomers.

Oh op I wish I was close by and your friend. I could come to the next family meet and when sil or the oil next says something I would say how interesting. What about judgemental asshole- is that due to poor parenting too or do you just come that way?

And you will get hurt over and over again if you keep seeking that kindness from them.

It’s so natural to subconsciously seek a family-of-origin ‘do-over’ with a partner’s family, if our own has been challenging or lacking in some way. (You haven’t said yours has but it’s likely as you became prey to an abuser later). So to resist this temptation feels hard until you’ve lots of practice. It’s worth the practice. Find people who care about you enough to work to understand your daughter, or who understand your daughter’s troubles and are willing to build friendships with you. These are relationships where you’ll experience the kindness and encouragement you need and deserve.

I wish I had people in my life who just knew what it was like to have got through life the really hard way. My SIL in their words have made better choices so has better outcomes. I never chose to be abused. I was a very naïve person, very sensitive and very accepting. I feel like they hold the abuse against me because I somehow chose it. They have made comments about how could they understand as they don’t come from this type of world. Neither do I, I’m a nice person who was abused, I didn’t come from that type of world.

You are right, where do I find these kind of people? My problem is I have so little support in my life so I keep going to the wrong people who in my life currently. I have my mum but she is of no emotional support, my partner but I don’t want to keep going on as that’s a downer, a couple of friends but no one who really understands. I feel quite isolated and I can only see these perfect family members who don’t relate and it makes me feel less worthy because I can’t be like them.

I know. But I’d really like to be part of the family. But in order to be part I have to be someone else which I can’t be.

I just read Scattered Minds by Gabor Mate about ADHD and neurodivergence and his take which I found really helpful was that people don't respond badly to someone being themselves. What they respond negatively to is someone trying to be someone else.

So yes you are right, you can't be someone else, you can only be yourself and stop trying (while obviously still being civil and looking after your child) to please them. He wrote it far more eloquently but I found it helpful.

Potential friends who will understand your daughter:
PDA groups on Facebook
Potential friends who will be likely to be willing to learn about your daughter’s needs and your challenges:
church/temple/mosque/feminist/political/environmental group
Potential friends, general:
any regular hobby or volunteer or sports group, or a job where people work in a close team, eg kitchen staff. Prioritise something for you that has a social potential.

Well in that case they would definitely respond negatively. Every time I behaved in an authentic way around then it’s met with rejection. Some people do respond badly around people being themselves. I think it’s clear they don’t like me sadly.