Struggling with fitting in and with in laws and SIL as a former victim of abuse.

[Lookatthesun83]

I’m struggling at the moment to really fit in the world and find my place post abuse. Some of it was truly awful, forced sex and terminations of pregnancies that no one has ever known.

I am in another relationship and I do ok most of the time. It’s just some of his family make extremely naive comments that I find very hurtful, especially his sister in law. I have an older daughter with ADHD and oppositional disorder. I suspect this has been inherited from her father who she has little contact with. It would explain some of his behaviour and lack of empathy. Anyway. The SIL has made comments in my presence that naughty children haven’t been loved enough and that her children are the perfect example of great parenting. I’ve tried my absolute best. Left an abusive marriage with £150. I now own my own home but yes I struggle with her behaviour, but it hasn’t been due to lack of love. His parents also make comments.

Im not sure if im just too sensitive or whether Im right to feel so out of place. I just want to shake them and make them aware that some people have been through such difficult times and empathy wouldn’t be too much to ask. In people’s presence I often just feel so different. I try really hard to fit but I can’t undo the feelings I feel inside and the things I’ve been through.

I do think I need to change where I put my energy. It gets me sad and I mope around feeling sorry for myself and have no energy for clubs or friends.

This is totally understandable. Be really kind to yourself: talk to yourself as you would to your daughter, were she in your situation. Our internal voices are usually those of our parents we’ve taken on, so that’s the first thing you need to practice challenging.

So: say lovely, kind things to yourself, and start slow: something sporty might be ideal as you may get endorphins/a lift from that. Maybe a team sport like netball or a running or cycling group that meets weekly? Have a look.

Look my MIL hates me with a passion. My BIL was wary of me for about 15 years and is still sceptical. I don't know in what ways they leave you out but that does sound really hurtful and they don't sound like good people. I know it's hard and it would be easier if they weren't like that but honestly you are better off without them, and to focus on finding friends where you simply don't have these issues. Just small steps away.

Why are they like this, it seems counterproductive because surely they love their grandchildren and putting aside differences makes it so much better for the kids. All I can see is that the mum is very controlling, she is surrounded by adoring family who are quite childlike really even though they are all adults. I am not controllable anymore. If you want a relationship with me it needs to have input from both sides. I’m slightly older and wiser. I don’t think my MIL has much empathy, I’ve never really seen her show any to anyone really. She just likes people behaving the way she wants.