What should I do?
I have been married to my DH for 25 years, I have been with him for 34! We got together when we were 18.
His mother and sister never really took to me. His sister is the worse, she is one year older than DH and me, bossy, noisy, nosey, single, controlling, a bully, manipulative, uses emotional blackmail and gaslights etc. etc. It is no secret in any other life we would not be friends.
Over the years I felt I had gained some respect, and they were beginning to like me. I am quiet, shy, an introvert, the opposite to their, loud, dramatic, extrovert-ism. I, in turn, was beginning to like them, but I am aware they are all sweetness and light when they want something but turn into nasty narcissistic, emotionally hurtful people when they don't get their way. Over the years we have endured really nasty, horrible, behaviour but we have bumped along. It is no secret she sees herself as very important, and in charge of her mum and younger brother, my DH. I have put up with it and/or let them get on with it. They never contact me direct, my kids are seen as an extension of my husband. They have direct lines to my DH and managed to force my kids when they were young into giving their direct numbers out. So they do not need to communicate with me.
I always try to be pleasant, I host Christmas and Easter for them and often have them around to stay. I always send nice messages and cards and try to keep the peace and try not to let their not so nice behaviour affect me. My MIL is needy and needs to speak to my DH 3 times a day and see him once a week.
I can tell you a hundred stories where they have taken the p*ss. Or the hundreds of times they have been narcissistic, or the emails that they have written about me. The most hurtful from the MIL to DH saying something along the lines of 'tell your big-nosed, ugly wife to keep out of our family affairs'. This was 2 weeks after I had nursed her for a week in my own home after her shoulder operation. (She did eventually apologise.) Many Christmas's I have hosted and put them up and watch as they give presents to one another but not me depending on how I have unknowingly slighted them. (I know, I sound like a child but it hurts, I lost my parents many years ago.)
Anyhow, you get the drift. The SIL is always controlling the dynamics and stirs up problems between DH and MIL and myself. I tend to put up and shut up as they are DH family and for all their faults he loves them, but her interference is a bug bear of mine.
Anyhow, last Easter, we were all together at DH extended family that he hasn't seen for years. SIL was talking loudly about her tattoos and how she wanted more, and the conversation turned to all the people there who had tattoos showing theirs and discussing how many and when and what they were going to get next etc. I didn't think much of it. Just tipsy talk etc. Both my DH and I don't have any, so just listened in.
Unbeknown to me, a month later, two days before the event, I found out SIL had contacted my autistic 17 year old directly and asked her what she wanted for her 18th, and of course, she said a tattoo, so SIL decided to make a day of it with prosecco (my DD hates prosecco) and booked in a double session for both of them to get tattoos done as a Aunt and Neice bonding session. Talk of matching tattoos was mentioned.
I found out quite by accident as I innocently asked why her Aunt hadn't got anything for my DD 18th and my DD told me what SIL intended to do. I asked my DD if her Dad knew, she told me no, it was a secret and admitted she was quite nervous about it all.
Well, I must admit, I was angry. I could not quite believe that SIL would actually organise a tattoo with an autistic 17 year old without running it past either parent first so I assumed that she had talked to my DH about it! My DH was out at the time and I could not get hold of him, so I sent a whatsapp to him, his sister and his mum saying I could not believe that no one had thought to run it past me.
I admit, the text probably came across a bit angry, but I don't think it was rude, It was directed at both DH and SIL. It said I could not believe that neither (DH or SIL) thought they didn't need to mention it to me, and that I had spent much time talking to DD about tattoos and piercings and how she should wait a few years, don't follow a fashion fad, think carefully, safety etc. etc. I expected a 'Oh sorry, I thought DD told you, or oh sorry I didn't think - will it be OK', or even a 'its my fault' from DH sort of response.
The short of the long is, SIL took offense and in typical gaslighting style said I was overreacting and blowing it out of proportion. She had spoken to her cousins, and I was there when they were all talking about their own tattoos (so that must be alright then) and how I now had made an unnecessary situation, and why the hell did I involve MIL? She removed herself from the chat and told my DH she does not want to see me anymore unless I apologise.
A few days later my DH had seen his mum and came back and said we need to make it better as its really bad. Against my better judgment I wrote a long letter apologising for the tone of the message. I then tried to explain that it wasn't just directed at her, it was also at my husband, and a whole lot of other, vulnerable stuff. Once again, I thought most normal people would come back and say 'you really upset me, but I get it thank you,' sort of thing. But she ignored it.
Since then we have seen her mum but not her, the SIL does not want anything to do with me and ignored my birthday. Inside I can't be bothered with it all anymore, but I know, for the sake of DH and MIL we should make up, my DS 21st is coming up, her birthday is coming up, a funeral is coming up and Christmas. I can't refuse to have her around at Christmas as that would mean she is on her own etc. Plus, DH has a love hate relationship with her. I get it, my older sister can be difficult, but she is still, my sister.
What do I do now? I feel like she owes me an apology now!, but I just don't want to bend again, this tattoo thing felt like the straw that broke the camels back. Am I overreacting, everyone I have spoken to says no, but...?