Partner signed up to a swinger site - please help me

[Kirsty24611988]

I found out my partner had signed up to a swingers site 3 days ago.

His profile said he was looking for women.

I confronted him and he first told me his mat told him about it and said he was on it so he went on it just to look as they were all laughing about it. I told him he had made a profile which he flat out denied then eventually told me he had created it as you couldn’t see anything unless you registered.

He said he denied it because he was embarrassed.

His history said he went on it and registered late at night so he couldn’t have done it when with his work mates like he said. He still denies this. He said he went back on it as he was curious but didn’t register then. The history doesn’t lie.

He is still adamant he didn’t create it because he was looking for nsa sex but I just can’t seem to believe him.

It Has made my self esteem go completely, I feel sad, angry and humiliated.

I have come on here because I am too embarrassed to speak to any of my family or friends about this.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see him, talk to him or touch him.

I am an emotional wreck. Even if what he said is genuinely true, I can’t help but not believe him. There is always that what if he is lying. I don’t feel good enough and I feel like he done it because he is bored.

He said he isn’t but why else do it?

I just don’t know what to do. If I was to leave, I would have no where to go as I have a daughter and 3 dogs and the car I drive is his.

It doesn't really matter why he did it. The important thing is that he lies to you and shows you no respect. I would make plans to leave.

What is your housing situation, are you renting/mortgaged?

I live in his house which he has a mortgage on. I don’t own any part of it. So I would literally be starting from scratch and trying to find somewhere that will accept three dogs

Start planning your escape.
You will find somewhere with your dogs in time.

He’s obviously lying but if you need time to get organised to leave, you can pretend you are thinking it over for a while.

💐

There is no reason for you to feel embarrassed or ashamed. It's not you who has behaved badly. It's him.
Even if , by some wild stretch of the imagination, it was to laugh at his mate it would still be inappropriate behaviour for someone in a relationship.
It's not you that's not good enough: it's him.
In my opinion you should be looking at how to leave this relationship. He isn't trustworthy and he lies. And his behaviour is making you unhappy.

He's looking for someone else. Whatever you feel about him to this point, he's not a man to shackle yourself to for a future because if he's doing it already it won't get better.

Start making a plan to get away. Your self esteem will never recover if you don't.

Have you explained how it’s made you feel? Do you think it’s something you would want to fix if you can get past it, provided he hasn’t been interacting with other women etc (whether virtually or not) you may be able to resolve it if you wish. That being said it won’t be easy and will leave a stain on the relationship.

Seems odd he would sign up to a swingers site if he’s looking for casual hookups etc. But whatever his motives / intention it is obviously not respectful to your relationship or to you and excusing it as something he did with his mates is just immature.

Is everything else okay in the relationship?

Oh he was prior to this incident getting plenty at home! We even had sex the morning before I found this out. There has been zero issues in that department

Yes I have made it very clear how it has made me feel. All he keeps doing is apologising and telling me he will fight for me because he loves me.

right now I don’t know what I want. If we were to fix it, I do feel there would be a strain and I will always thinking he is doing something he shouldn’t be. He knows I am an insecure person. Things got so good as he made me feel reassured throughout our relationship, but I have gone back to square 1. We have been together 8 years now.

everything has been fine in the relationship. This is why I am so shocked and upset because it is so unexpected. We still have regular sex (before this incident) and there were no issues in that department.

he has recently lost weight so thought is it because he is feeling more confident about himself?

Is your dd his, were the dogs bought when you were together? Where did you live before you moved into his?

Lots of rentals take pets nowadays so don't panic about rehoming them. He is at best is a liar and at worst a cheat. These type of men do not change they just get better at being more sneaky with passwords on devices etc.

no dd isn’t his, yes we bought the dogs together. I lived in a house that my dad owns but since I moved out my sister now lives there.

I do feel he will just delete history now if he was to do it again etc.

Have you been together long? Either watch and wait, not too obviously, pretend all is fine so he lets his guard down then you can see if it was a one off or an example of what he is like. Or, if not a long term relationship with a mortgage and shared kids then leave. Life is too short to have to be on high alert for this crap. Good luck.

I'm confused isn't a swingers arrangement where you switch partners or am I getting confused?
Sounds dodgy!

I thought the same, but looking at it, you can be a couple or a single man and woman looking for a women/man/couple. It’s called fabswingers.com

it looks very seedy and degrading but each to their own I guess x

Been together 8 years. My daughter was only 2 when we got together so not his daughter but she sees him as a father. Xx

Sorry I've just seen you've been together 8yrs. If you stay get your name on the mortgage and start saving for your own car. You need some financial security and a bit of independence. Why don't you have your own car, do you work?

Oh I see! I'm just trying to figure out why he's looking at that particular website!
Swingers
I think it's the fact he has signed up to it which is very telling .. but if he's not contacted anyone it on I'm really not sure!
I wouldn't be happy but at the same time I would want to know his intentions he needs to be completely honest.

I would have a chat with him and ask him what he wants and what has prompted him to register for this site. The excuse it was a laugh with his mates isn’t particularly solid and if he wants the relationship to continue then he needs to be clear on what’s going on, even if it’s hard to hear.

I don’t have great advice regarding this tbh, it’s a tough call to come back from this but lots of couples do, but I would say don’t make any immediate decisions, try and sit on it and let it breathe a bit because at the moment you are upset and hurt (justifiably)

so yes I work full time. I did have my own car but sold it as partner could get an electric car on a salary sacrifice scheme his work has so we got an electric that is mine but technically not as it is through his work if that makes sense.

I have basically lost all my independence. I thought we were forever but clearly not

Yeah I didn’t understand why either. He claims it is because his mate was in it and they were joking around so he signed up as you can’t see anything unless you do and he was curious which I don’t believe.

he hasn’t contacted anyone but only done it 3 days ago xx

Yeah I am trying to get the truth but he keeps saying the same thing. He won’t be honest with me.

reality is, I know it has nothing to do with his mates and just being curious. That is the reality. I just want him to admit his intentions but he won’t. That is making it harder to work through it because deep down I know he is not being 100% honest

See, it's ALWAYS men who own the house in their own name who move a woman/domestic appliance in and then do shit like this, KNOWING the woman is trapped.

It makes me so fucking angry!

Sounds like he doesn't respect you.

And that is how I feel. I feel like such a mug. It has made me scared to leave because I literally have nothing and he knows it

Aww @Kirsty24611988 you're not a mug all you did was love someone. Aint nothing wrong with that.

Start making plans to move out and start again. It'll be OK. Take your time, do something every day towards the end goal of moving out and living independently. Your biggest challenge is going to be housing, followed by earning enough money to run your own household.

Tomorrow morning, could you contact the local council, make a start towards getting on the housing list? Are you working?