Partner signed up to a swinger site - please help me

[Kirsty24611988]

I found out my partner had signed up to a swingers site 3 days ago.

His profile said he was looking for women.

I confronted him and he first told me his mat told him about it and said he was on it so he went on it just to look as they were all laughing about it. I told him he had made a profile which he flat out denied then eventually told me he had created it as you couldn’t see anything unless you registered.

He said he denied it because he was embarrassed.

His history said he went on it and registered late at night so he couldn’t have done it when with his work mates like he said. He still denies this. He said he went back on it as he was curious but didn’t register then. The history doesn’t lie.

He is still adamant he didn’t create it because he was looking for nsa sex but I just can’t seem to believe him.

It Has made my self esteem go completely, I feel sad, angry and humiliated.

I have come on here because I am too embarrassed to speak to any of my family or friends about this.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to see him, talk to him or touch him.

I am an emotional wreck. Even if what he said is genuinely true, I can’t help but not believe him. There is always that what if he is lying. I don’t feel good enough and I feel like he done it because he is bored.

He said he isn’t but why else do it?

I just don’t know what to do. If I was to leave, I would have no where to go as I have a daughter and 3 dogs and the car I drive is his.

Thank you.

yes I am working full time. I will start looking into council housing. I just know that I won’t be at high priority with that but def worth looking into xxx

I'm so sorry to read this and can relate to much of what you're feeling.

When our twins were only a few weeks old I discovered my (now) ex husband had registered on an escort site. Through the site I was able to see he had logged in a number of times including dates and times (sometimes at work, sometimes at home when we were both at home "caring" for our newborn children.

I was never able to establish proof he had actually arranged or met with anyone, and like your partner he said he was just looking out of curiosity as a laugh after friends at work had told him about the site.

Perhaps it was the absolute strain of looking after two small babies and total exhaustion I felt but I fooled myself into believing he had just been an idiot.

A few months later I found out he had also been using dating apps and meeting up with other women, so irrespective of what may or may not have happened with the escort site (and I'll never know) the intention on his part was certainly there to play away.

By this point there was no going back, and fast forward 2 years on and we are divorced. I'll never look at him the same for doing what he did to me, and I promise you will feel stronger down the line.

Hey, I am so sorry this happened to you. It does sound ever so similar to my circumstances.

I don’t think I will ever truly trust or believe what he says. I know I will always look at him different. Even this evening I look at him and all I picture is him meeting up with some skank.

i can only live day by day and see what happens but I will be looking at housing behind the scenes and saving for a car of my own xx

Someone up thread wrote

'Have you explained how it’s made you feel? '

Don't bother, he doesn't care. He's already dumped you in his mind and actively seeking out other women.

You need to get things sorted out asap as he will boot you out at some point.

I just wanted to give a bit of a counterpoint. I’m a woman, a sensible mum of two and divorced. I also heard about that site and made a profile (with no picture of me), just because I wanted to look. I got lots of messages and there are lots of completely naked and very brazen people on there! I found it completely fascinating. But I never, ever, ever was in the market to meet any of the people or even tell them my real name. It was a bit like watching porn or something. It was fascinating but it wasn’t linked to a real intention.

@MozzarellaSandwich

when you went on it, were you at that point still married? I totally get what you’re saying, but if that is the case I want him to be honest and say that rather than lie and say it was because his mate was on it. He it. Being totally honest which is an issue x

I’ve been in a similar position, basically trapped and Ex cheated. Of course he will deny it, he’s been lying for ages he will not stop now.

He is not the man you thought he was. You are not who you thought you were either. I went through ages wondering how I was with someone who cheated. It is not our fault. However we do need to wake up and smell the coffee. Our lives with men who do this are one’s where we are degraded and devalued. If we are trapped then it will be a really hard one - the pressure on us to forgive and move on, to minimise, is enormous.

Do not minimise this. Talk to one or two trusted outside people about this, ones with sensible heads. Go to a counsellor alone. Start looking at what your life outside of this man might look like. Think of how you could move out. Make plans. Do something outside of the home just for you, regularly like a social group or class. Build your daughter’s resilience through spending good quality time as a parent and holidays just you and her and the dogs.

Thank you so much. This genuinely made me cry. You are so right. You all are.

I do need to start doing stuff for me.

I guess j keep questioning if it is classed as cheating if he registered out of curiosity or not? is it cheating? Am I kidding myself? Xxx

@Kirsty24611988 no, I wasn’t still married. However I was seeing someone, someone I liked too. It’s hard to explain. I just went on it and then found myself a bit hooked on observing everyone be so kinky and bold. I never in a million years would have met anyone from it. In fact the whole thing would have been a turn off in terms of actually finding a partner or fancying someone. Everyone on it seemed to me really dodgy.

p.s. When I did it I thought if I’d told my boyfriend he wouldn’t have thought of it as cheating per se but he would have found it grotty and worrisome behaviour, and would probably have dumped me. It was disrespectful, definitely. And more so if you live with someone.

@MozzarellaSandwich yeah i guess the fact he isn’t being totally honest is making things harder for me. I know deep down that he is lying about his reasons but I just can’t get him to be honest which is what is making things worse for us xx

You don’t have to put up with anything just because he owns a house.

@MozzarellaSandwich yes I have to admit I do feel like it is grotty and disgusting. Which again is making thing hard. I even said I think if it was to happen I would rather be match.com than the site he was on. I feel it is dirty and disgusting. But that is my own opinion.

both options are bad but if it was to be one, I would rather it not be a the fab swingers one

Yes it was really quite grotty in a way that you find shades of on the dating sites also: lots of people wanting to use each other for sex without a connection. How could you tell that you wanted to meet someone without even a picture of their face, just their knob? The mind boggles.

How did you find out he has made a profile, if you were nosing through his phone, this shows there is a deeper issue of trust here.
My ex was obsessed with this site, along with other similar sites. It was some sort of deep dark fantasy of his. I did find out he was having sexual texts with people too, which seemed to involve me. Eventually it got too much and I did end it, he seemed to be more interested in me with someone else rather than having me for himself. His reason for doing it was 'pure fantasy'.
How old is he for 'his mate told him' it's the biggest lie going! Now he knows you are upset about it and knows you know he is lying, I don't know if he will ever tell you the correct answer. The best thing is to talk about it and explain how worthless it made you feel and hope he is sincere in whatever response he gives you

Even if he wasn't looking for physical sex he was probably hoping for the thrill of talking to women on there and for dirty photos/videos for wank fodder.

Send me his login details and I will create a profile and message him. I will screenshot all the replies for you. Us women have to stick together!!!

@bows101 hi, so it was pure accidental. We were sat in the car and he gave me his phone so I could google some snowboards as my batt was flat. For some bizarre reason his google page went to Japanese language and currency so to figure out how I managed to change it I went to history to go back to the see where it is that I had managed to do that and the history literally was there underneath where I had been searching snowboards. He was literally sat with me watching me as we had stopped for food so think he forgot to delete the history otherwise he wouldn’t have let me do that.

@viixta he has since deleted it. He deleted it last night after I discovered it x

I confronted him and he first told me his mat told him about it and said he was on it so he went on it just to look as they were all laughing about it.

From reading on here they always say shit like this or they text prostitutes for the laugh etc.
What's funny about it? Why would it seem like such a big laugh? It wouldn't. It's a blatant lie

I think you should forgive him this time but make it clear that if anything like this ever happens ever again the relationship is over.

Fab swingers has photos and videos that people upload which is a big reason why a lot of men go on it. You have to be signed up to see the photos or see anyone's profile and a paid member to see videos. While it's a swinger site and a small number of single men do get to meet women or couples the vast majority of men never get a sniff of success and just use it to perv on amateur porn. However that doesn't mean they aren't trying to meet someone and it doesn't mean it's in any way ok to sign up without discussing it with your partner.

I found out my ex was on there. I couldn't view his page but found out from someone he was planning to meet up with. They told me that they could see he had already met up with someone for sex. Can't remember how you find this out on the site as I had never been on. No idea how many there were. It's very seedy.

I finished with him after I found out.

If I were you I'd book in for sti check as this may not have been the first time he has cheated.

Sorry you're going through this.

I suppose the thing about it is that it’s such a slippery slope. Within hours of logging on several men had asked if I wanted to meet for sex that afternoon. I didn’t, and wouldn’t have done, as I’m quite prudish in real life. But it’s a bit like going to a heavy drinking night out and planning not to have one…

I hope you are ok, what is current update?