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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't get over confession from dying friend

33 replies

JustFloored · 04/08/2024 09:13

I've name changed for this, as I don't ever want anyone to know IRL.

My best friend is a guy who was in my reception class at school - we've been close throughout our whole lives. When we were younger we had a few "moments" - occasionally a drunken kiss, and once we nearly slept together but he ended up backing out because there would be no going back and he didn't want to ruin the friendship.

We remained close into adulthood, I got married and had children, he had a few medium-term relationships, and we were always on good terms with one another's partners. Just really good friends.

Sadly, he passed away from a terminal illness three years ago. Just before he died, he basically told me that he'd always been in love with me but had never been brave enough to do anything about it. I was stunned, I never had any idea.

Three years later and I still think about it all the time. I feel guilty and confused. I always find myself lost in thoughts of what might have been. I never thought that I loved him, but was always attracted to him. I think perhaps I stopped myself from admitting that I did love him for the same reasons; we'd grown up like siblings and anything more would have felt too strange.

I don't know why I'm posting, I just need to get it off my chest because I could never tell anybody IRL. How do I process and get past this?

OP posts:

Supersoakers · 04/08/2024 09:28

It sounds like he was right in that you didn’t really feel the same way. You were able to remain friends because of it.

Original poster

JustFloored · 04/08/2024 10:04

Supersoakers · 04/08/2024 09:28

It sounds like he was right in that you didn’t really feel the same way. You were able to remain friends because of it.

Thank you. I'd like to think so. I feel like I'm keeping a big secret from my husband, it's hanging over me like a grey cloud

OP posts:

Petesbowtie9 · 04/08/2024 10:05

I think you need to reframe the way you look at it . You have nothing to feel guilty about , and how lovely that your friend got to tell you his feelings before he passed x

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 04/08/2024 10:08

There is no need for a big cloud love, the secret was your dear friend's not yours, and telling your husband that in his last days he confessed his love for you is something you can choose to do, or not. Whatever you need to do to make peace with what happened...and what didn't happen.

Original poster

JustFloored · 04/08/2024 10:09

Petesbowtie9 · 04/08/2024 10:05

I think you need to reframe the way you look at it . You have nothing to feel guilty about , and how lovely that your friend got to tell you his feelings before he passed x

Thank you. I also feel angry with him for telling me, then guilty for feeling angry! I just feel a mess.

OP posts:

Houseplanter · 04/08/2024 10:11

If we're honest I think a lot of us have had relationships we never really manage to work out, can't forget or really get over. Add to that the grief when someone you have grown up with and love (in whatever form) dies, it's no wonder your heads in a bit of a mess.

Losing someone you've known all your life (you don't say how old you are, but I'm not sure it matters) makes you reflect on life, and face your own mortality too. It's confusing. Upsetting. Takes a long time to work through ime.

To have his confession thrown in to the mix has stirred the pot even more.

I think you can only be grateful for his friendship and love for all those years, and look forward now to a happy life with your family.

But don't feel guilt. Life is complicated.

gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 04/08/2024 10:12

Grief is an odd thing - and anger is definitely part of it! Add in the complexity of the situation...what might have been but wasn't...and it's not surprising you are "a mess" as you put it.

Possibly your feelings towards your friend were just friendly, possibly there is something unresolved there, but either way your feelings for each other were and are no risk to your marriage, so there is no need for guilt on your part, just sadness at having lost him.

Hummingbird75 · 04/08/2024 10:28

He loved you, and that is okay. It doesn't change your life to know this op, you just now know his feelings ran slightly deeper than yours and it was of some comfort to him to get this off his chest as he was dying.

It sounds like you have been amazing friends, so hold on to the good times and the loveliness of that friendship - he didn't ruin it - love is a broad word and means many things.

You need grief counselling.

MakeItRain · 04/08/2024 10:33

I think that some relationships don't work out (become romantic) for a reason, and that had he not become ill, a relationship with you would still never have worked out or got off the ground. If someone wants a relationship, they will generally pursue it. For your friend, becoming ill gave him the opportunity to say "I really wanted this and I wish I had gone for it". The reality was, he didn't go for it, and likely never would. Whatever held him back would still have been there. Maybe at the end of his illness, he allowed himself to feel bad it never worked out, without needing to face the reasons it didn't. I would reframe it that he felt sad he didn't have a loving relationship. I'm sure your friendship was very valuable to him. You don't need to feel guilty. I think he was probably caught up in "what ifs" and dreams of what could have (but would never have) been. 💕

dottiedodah · 04/08/2024 10:53

Someone told me that most guys want to sleep with their female friend, in a platonic RL .No idea if true.However.Either way ,he has now passed ,and you have fond memories of him.May have not worked out And you would possibly be lamenting the fact that you "ruined it" by sleeping together!

Loloj · 04/08/2024 11:36

You have nothing to feel guilty for. I think this is quite common in that people often have “the one that got away”. In reality there was a reason you didn’t get together - and there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you had a lovely friendship. He probably felt he could open up about his feelings when he was close to the end of his life as he knew he had nothing to lose- it doesn’t mean that had he still been here that anything would have happened between you. I think if you both had wanted for something to happen then it would have. I think you need to stop dwelling on his “confession” which may also have been coming from an emotional place given the timing, and remember the happy times you shared.

Izzynohopanda · 04/08/2024 11:39

I think that was something g he should have kept to himself, instead of throwing a grenade into your life, and it was a little selfish of him.

Branleuse · 04/08/2024 11:44

Its not your big secret. You have nothing to confess. You are clearly lovable and he held a bit of a torch for you. Thats all.

mitogoshi · 04/08/2024 11:49

Don't feel guilty, I've been in related situation and it's better not to know but you can't undo it when they tell you, I never told my now exh. In your case he's passed away so nothing can happen anymore so what good will come of bringing it up

RandomMess · 04/08/2024 12:00

You loved him very much and the grief is deep, neither of you have done anything wrong.

DivaD8ver001 · 04/08/2024 12:04

You can still love someone & not have a sexual relationship

Perhaps he loved you as a good friend

letmego24 · 04/08/2024 12:10

Is it that the confession amplified your reeling of loss and grief? That you can never resolve this now as you can't speak with him? What a sad situation. Maybe talk it through properly I'm not surprised you are emotional and confused by it all :)

Marinel · 04/08/2024 12:10

In addition to the very helpful comments you've already had, I would just add that the reason this seems such a huge deal is precisely because you have kept it a secret and told no one. So it has gone round and round in your head growing in importance.

Hopefully now you've told us, you can begin to accept there is nothing to feel guilty about, and let go of all the difficult and negative feelings about it.

Original poster

JustFloored · 04/08/2024 15:14

Thank you all for the kind and thoughtful replies. Lots to digest here. The poster who mentioned having grief counselling - believe it or not I've never actually thought about that. Definitely worth exploring. Thank you so much x

OP posts:

Janiie · 04/08/2024 15:39

Well, without wanting to sound harsh as he is now sadly dead there is nothing more to be done so you need to draw a line and shrug it off.

The fact that it is still consuming you 3yrs later would make wonder that all is not well in your marriage and maybe it's a rose colour specs thing and fantasy about something that didn't happen?

Just remember the nice things, the friendship and forget his deathbed declaration .

Mischance · 04/08/2024 15:53

It is very hard to be a bereaved person who does not fall under the normal definition of those "allowed" to grieve - i.e. immediate family.

You are allowed to grieve; and part of grieving is often anger. You feel cross that he rocked the boat on your relationship when he was at the end of his life. Tell yourself that this probably helped him in some way at that difficult moment when his life was coming to an end. I know it leaves a bit of a puzzle for you in a way - but you have made a good life for yourself and do not carry any responsibility for his choices. If he had wanted an exclusive romantic relationship with you he had every option to tell you that, and chose not to.

Enjoy the life you have made for yourself and also be proud that you inspired love in your special friend. I am sure your presence during the last phase of his life was very helpful for him.

SaintHonoria · 04/08/2024 17:04

As he was dying his emotions were intensified and and he may have convinced himself at the time that you should have been a couple so that he went to his death holding on to something g dear in his heart.

He may well never have had such intense emotions about you if he wasn't dying.

Hope that makes sense.

PaminaMozart · 04/08/2024 17:09

This is clearly causing you a great deal of ongoing upset, so I'd invest in a few sessions of counselling.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/08/2024 17:12

Hummingbird75 · 04/08/2024 10:28

It sounds like you have been amazing friends, so hold on to the good times and the loveliness of that friendship - he didn't ruin it - love is a broad word and means many things.

You need grief counselling.

This is lovely, and true.

Getonwitit · 04/08/2024 17:42

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You had the most fantastic friendship that lasted a long time. Now find some space to have a cry and acknowledge things could have been different but they weren't and let it all go.

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