Can't get over confession from dying friend

[JustFloored]

I've name changed for this, as I don't ever want anyone to know IRL.

My best friend is a guy who was in my reception class at school - we've been close throughout our whole lives. When we were younger we had a few "moments" - occasionally a drunken kiss, and once we nearly slept together but he ended up backing out because there would be no going back and he didn't want to ruin the friendship.

We remained close into adulthood, I got married and had children, he had a few medium-term relationships, and we were always on good terms with one another's partners. Just really good friends.

Sadly, he passed away from a terminal illness three years ago. Just before he died, he basically told me that he'd always been in love with me but had never been brave enough to do anything about it. I was stunned, I never had any idea.

Three years later and I still think about it all the time. I feel guilty and confused. I always find myself lost in thoughts of what might have been. I never thought that I loved him, but was always attracted to him. I think perhaps I stopped myself from admitting that I did love him for the same reasons; we'd grown up like siblings and anything more would have felt too strange.

I don't know why I'm posting, I just need to get it off my chest because I could never tell anybody IRL. How do I process and get past this?

OP, why do you feel you can't tell your husband? You have done nothing wrong. I would have thought he would care about you and want to know anything that is important to you or bothering you?

This thread is everything that is good about Mumsnet x

I think half the problem is that you can’t discuss it with him, so can’t get closure. And it’s difficult to discuss in real life to people you know.

I think deathbed confessions are usually to give the confessor peace. But those confessions often lead to confusion and mixed emotions about the person confessing or what they've done.

I've told my husband of 45 years "NO dying confessions. If you did something and chose not to tell me when I could've done something about it, don't tell me when you're dying and I can't. I don't want to hear about cheating or obligation or how you just stayed for the kids; if I don't already know, leave it like that."

I recognize the need to take care of unfinished things, so I also told him to confess it to someone who can listen and help him to resolve it- if truly necessary, they can tell me. Hopefully it would clear his conscience and let him die in peace, and I would be left to grieve the man that I knew.

This counts double for telling your children. Right after DH's mother died, his father told ALL the family about falling in love with a girl in Italy during the war. He wrote to my DMIL that he was staying there, and for her to apply for part of his army benefits. Her sister replied with the news that she'd been pregnant when he left, but didn't want him to worry so she'd been saving the news until the baby arrived safely. His guilt and obligation overrode his feelings for the OW, and he returned to DMIL when his tour ended. They went on to have 4 more children, but she must have inwardly lived with grief and resentment the rest of her life.

Sharing that little bombshell made my FIL lose some of the love and respect of his children. He's been gone for 27 years, but his children still feel the hurt. Everything they knew changed. If he'd gone through with it, 4 of them wouldn't even exist, and they haven't forgotten the disrespect, pain, and abuse he caused their mother.

My mother would say "Wrap it in silver paper and keep it near your heart."

Thanks again, everyone.

Someone queried whether I am happy in my marriage - to be honest things are pretty stale at the moment. We do have young children (primary and pre-school) so are in the trenches. Certainly not thinking of leaving or anything, though admittedly there have been times when I've asked myself if I married the right person. Our marriage is happy-ish, and like all marriages, has better times and then not-so-great. I suppose the grass is always greener!

I think since it's been a long time my husband would wonder why I was choosing to tell him now, and I wouldn't want to give him doubts or make things awkward when talking about our shared memories with my friend (who also became his friend).

Sorry, I am rambling! This thread has certainly helped to unpick some of my thoughts though x

If you work you may have an employee assistance programme. Ours (civil service dept) gives you five sessions and a sixth by mutual agreement. I know people have used it for grief with a variety of views of grief- eg grief caused by a death or by infertility and grieving what never was. Ours isn't just a hotline, those five sessions are with someone local in person if you want.

Oh, why did he have to go and say that. I'd feel confused too and pretty annoyed that he left me with rewriting of history. I think it would be hard to tell your husband now without him thinking you are carrying a torch for your friend. Can you reframe it ? He maybe didn't feel that strongly at the time or he'd have risked telling you before or he'd gave struggled to stay friends with you and husband. I think it might be a good call to try grief counselling , I would find a revelation like this hard to process.