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Original poster

Early 50's and no luck finding someone

29 replies

needahug27 · 03/08/2024 15:56

Hello,

52 year old female here. Really feeling lonely and not getting anywhere with dating apps. Sexless marriage (due to no attraction/age gap) ended a few years ago after I got involved with someone online. We are still in touch (7 years on!!) and recently met again - which ended up in the hotel bedroom (we live 250 miles apart). We get on extremely well and he has always been a support to me. However, it is becoming very clear he won't end his marriage and I've started to realise he gets carried away as he ends up feeling guilty and goes quiet afterwards (for a while). He has been pushing for it to be a friendship for a while. He is very aware of the effect this has had on me.

I know that my lack of sex and affection led to all of the above and, stupidly, I developed feelings for this man long ago. My husband was the opposite of him (he lacked affection, passion and never said nice things to me - we were like siblings).

I have tried to find someone else. I have no problem getting maximum likes on dating apps but I just don't seem to like anyone on there. I don't think it's the right platform for me. Plus, I have feelings for someone else. When I came across the OM it was a chat site and, well, we chatted for ages and ages before we ended up with each other's numbers etc. It was very obvious that my marriage was missing things in other areas too. OM has insisted over the years that he lives in a sexless marriage but he says she is a lovely lady. Where he lives also restricts his options (financially). I do believe him. He is a very genuine, lovely man. Sexually, he does seem to get carried away (sadly for me as ends up regretting it). We've had lots of naughty phone calls too, over the years. It's obvious that I was missing something deep down though.

After deleting Tinder and Bumble again today, I'm at a loss. I'm trying to meet someone who is available and stop being so obsessed with this man I can't have. He has tried to turn it into a platonic friendship recently but it just ends up sexual again (well, we both fancy each other so it does). He cut contact in the early days but it didn't last long.

My divorce has cost me thousands and I lost my house. The kids live with their father, mostly - although one has left the nest now. I didn't get what I should have done as I couldn't see the point in paying a solicitor for anymore time and nothing was happening. It was affecting me, mentally. This has been very emotionally and financially draining for me but I have done a lot of soul searching over the years. I am very aware that I married the wrong man. I stayed with him as he was nice but the chemistry wasn't there. The attraction either, as I realised. The age gap was also an issue for me later as he acted/looked a lot older than his age (11 years my senior). The OM has blown me away. Although he was against meeting, we did (many times) and have spent lots of time together. But, I can't have him. He is trying to tell me this too.

Where can I go, in real life, to meet someone? Someone close to my age. I'm a professional and well educated. I don't go out much in the evenings, which doesn't help. My inexperience, when I was young, was also due to this.

I need to shake off my feelings for someone I can't have. It's destroying me. I've lost a lot of family members over these years too, which hasn't helped.

Very lonely but very passionate and affectionate (with the right one).

Also, I am wondering if any men on here can advise on why this man gets carried away and doesn't seem to have any control over what he says/does (but then regrets it the next morning). He is a lovely person all round but becomes a horny little devil every now and then. I love it tbh. Pathetic, I know!!

OP posts:
Easipeelerie · 03/08/2024 16:02

Why don’t you go for better dating apps e.g. Elite Singles?
Or just enjoy the freedom of not being stuck with a man. Do you have friends you can do things with?
What you describe about the bloke you’ve been having sex with sounds to be expected. Nothing to analyse really. Does the wife in his sexless marriage know he’s been having sex with you?

heartofgold8046 · 03/08/2024 16:03

needahug27 · 03/08/2024 15:56

Hello,

52 year old female here. Really feeling lonely and not getting anywhere with dating apps. Sexless marriage (due to no attraction/age gap) ended a few years ago after I got involved with someone online. We are still in touch (7 years on!!) and recently met again - which ended up in the hotel bedroom (we live 250 miles apart). We get on extremely well and he has always been a support to me. However, it is becoming very clear he won't end his marriage and I've started to realise he gets carried away as he ends up feeling guilty and goes quiet afterwards (for a while). He has been pushing for it to be a friendship for a while. He is very aware of the effect this has had on me.

I know that my lack of sex and affection led to all of the above and, stupidly, I developed feelings for this man long ago. My husband was the opposite of him (he lacked affection, passion and never said nice things to me - we were like siblings).

I have tried to find someone else. I have no problem getting maximum likes on dating apps but I just don't seem to like anyone on there. I don't think it's the right platform for me. Plus, I have feelings for someone else. When I came across the OM it was a chat site and, well, we chatted for ages and ages before we ended up with each other's numbers etc. It was very obvious that my marriage was missing things in other areas too. OM has insisted over the years that he lives in a sexless marriage but he says she is a lovely lady. Where he lives also restricts his options (financially). I do believe him. He is a very genuine, lovely man. Sexually, he does seem to get carried away (sadly for me as ends up regretting it). We've had lots of naughty phone calls too, over the years. It's obvious that I was missing something deep down though.

After deleting Tinder and Bumble again today, I'm at a loss. I'm trying to meet someone who is available and stop being so obsessed with this man I can't have. He has tried to turn it into a platonic friendship recently but it just ends up sexual again (well, we both fancy each other so it does). He cut contact in the early days but it didn't last long.

My divorce has cost me thousands and I lost my house. The kids live with their father, mostly - although one has left the nest now. I didn't get what I should have done as I couldn't see the point in paying a solicitor for anymore time and nothing was happening. It was affecting me, mentally. This has been very emotionally and financially draining for me but I have done a lot of soul searching over the years. I am very aware that I married the wrong man. I stayed with him as he was nice but the chemistry wasn't there. The attraction either, as I realised. The age gap was also an issue for me later as he acted/looked a lot older than his age (11 years my senior). The OM has blown me away. Although he was against meeting, we did (many times) and have spent lots of time together. But, I can't have him. He is trying to tell me this too.

Where can I go, in real life, to meet someone? Someone close to my age. I'm a professional and well educated. I don't go out much in the evenings, which doesn't help. My inexperience, when I was young, was also due to this.

I need to shake off my feelings for someone I can't have. It's destroying me. I've lost a lot of family members over these years too, which hasn't helped.

Very lonely but very passionate and affectionate (with the right one).

Also, I am wondering if any men on here can advise on why this man gets carried away and doesn't seem to have any control over what he says/does (but then regrets it the next morning). He is a lovely person all round but becomes a horny little devil every now and then. I love it tbh. Pathetic, I know!!

What dating apps have you tried? X

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/08/2024 16:04

Firstly, cut off the other man. You can't be friends. You can see for yourself that he is a barrier to you meeting someone else, simply due to taking up space in your head. It will make you lonelier in the short term but be better for you long term.

Secondly, if dating apps aren't doing it for you then you need to get out in the real world. Find ways to mix with people, make friends. Say yes to things. Those people know other people, they might know an eligible single man.

Lavenderblossoms · 03/08/2024 16:07

You let him get away with it. He knows no matter what, whenever he wants his end away, you'll be there ready and willing no matter what.

He has his cake and eats it too.

You don't sound like you have a lot to occupy you in life. Do you have friends or hobbies?

I think if you had a fuller life then you wouldn't need this man to fill the void.

Let me tell you this. No person can fill this void only you can. Do you struggle being alone?

I would seriously suggest blocking him and telling him not to contact you again. He will never give you what you want and even if he did, neither of you could trust each other.

How can you get over him whilst you're still under him, in the oh wise words of dua lipa (lol)

Is that what you envisioned when you left your husband? I doubt it. I bet you thought the other man would follow suit and he hasn't. Leaving you hollow and no idea what to do now.

From now on, forget men altogether. Go join some things, do new hobbies. Join meet up groups and try and make some friends. Discover who you are without a man. You may even meet someone organically then.

There is a life for you but you have to get off your bum and find it. Stop naval gazing over this cheating loser.

Original poster
needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:07

I've tried Bumble, Tinder, Elite, POF (awful) and Hinge. No luck.

OP posts:
heartofgold8046 · 03/08/2024 16:07

needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:07

I've tried Bumble, Tinder, Elite, POF (awful) and Hinge. No luck.

The usual ones we have all tried.
Will message you if ok x

Original poster
needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:11

I think the whole thing highlighted an issue in my marriage that I'd tried to ignore for years. My menopausal years didn't help and made me very aware that I was living in a loveless relationship.

I have gone through a lot of turmoil over this.

I have lost family (parents and all siblings - one to suicide) throughout this period and, throw in menopause, it has not been an easy time for me. My best friend is also going through cancer treatment (not looking good) and she is the only person I would've confided in but I haven't, because of her illness.

I just need to navigate a way out of this to give me a more fulfilling life.

OP posts:
Original poster
needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:11

@heartofgold8046 ok, thanks

OP posts:
heartofgold8046 · 03/08/2024 16:12

needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:11

@heartofgold8046 ok, thanks

Sent x

BCBird · 03/08/2024 16:13

Block the other man. It unfair to his wife and no good for u. If u have been in a relationship for a long time, even if an unhappy one, it might be daunting being single. I understand. I would try and make peace with being single before even trying to have another relationship. See if there are some activities you can join to meet people and to give routine. If u are frustrated invest in a vibrator.

Watchkeys · 03/08/2024 16:15

What sort of relationship are you looking for, with a new person? Casual, or more serious?

BCBird · 03/08/2024 16:15

I have lost my partner to suivide so know how debilitating losing someone in these circumstances can be OP. It will.improve. take care

MapleTreeValley · 03/08/2024 16:15

The first thing you need to do is block the other man. What you're doing is wrong, and also, if that doesn't bother you, it's acting against your own interests as you won't meet someone else while you're still emotionally attached to him.

BlastedPimples · 03/08/2024 16:22

Absolutely block the married man. Stay away from married men in future. They talk such shite to get a woman into bed. Don't fall for it again. You don't want to waste more time.

It will take a good long while to get him out of your head and to even consider other men. But if you don't start by blocking him, you will never start to make the change.

I would then simply take a a lot of time to consider things and focus on yourself. There is actually more to life than romance.

What about your dcs? Do you see them as often as you would like?

I think you need to broaden your horizons a bit maybe so that you can meet different people.

Later on, what about dating agencies? You know, the old fashioned ones that aren't online?

Original poster
needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:23

I know what we are doing is wrong. He knows it, so do I. Both of us had issues in our marriages. We have a lot in common, which is probably why we get on so well.

I know it has to stop. It has been emotionally damaging for me. And, yes, I feel hollow and empty. While this has gone on, and although he has been supportive of me, I have lost many close family members - 2 to tragic circumstances. I’ve been through all of this whilst coping with the menopause (no HRT) and two teenage children. It hasn’t been easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:25

I will point out though, that the other man never wanted to meet. He agreed to take me for a drink and a chat, initially. The attraction, over time, was too strong.

He has avoided coming to my hotel the last few times I’ve been nearby. I know, heart of heart, he is trying to stop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:27

Eldest child will be going back to university in September. I don’t see much of him as he stays with his dad a lot and has a part time job and a girlfriend. The youngest starts 6th form in September and she stays with her dad a lot too. She is quite a moody teen so this has a drain on me too!

OP posts:
heartofgold8046 · 03/08/2024 16:29

needahug27 · 03/08/2024 16:23

I know what we are doing is wrong. He knows it, so do I. Both of us had issues in our marriages. We have a lot in common, which is probably why we get on so well.

I know it has to stop. It has been emotionally damaging for me. And, yes, I feel hollow and empty. While this has gone on, and although he has been supportive of me, I have lost many close family members - 2 to tragic circumstances. I’ve been through all of this whilst coping with the menopause (no HRT) and two teenage children. It hasn’t been easy.

Its a tough situation.
Just do what's right for you x

SamW98 · 03/08/2024 16:31

It’s not easy to meet someone when you’re older. I’m in my 50’s and despite being very social and having tried all the apps, I’ve been single nearly 5 years with literally a handful of dates in that time.
My friends are also single anything between 2 and 12 years. But we’ve created a good friendship group and made full fun social lives and so a man would be a bonus rather than a necessity. In fact I often wonder if I have time to fit in a relationship.

In my experience sadly a lot of older men have come out of long marriages and either want a replacement wife to cook clean and wipe their arse or they’ve after cheap easy no strings sex.

Finding your own people and filling your life is the key, not shagging another woman’s husband

Intriguedbythis · 03/08/2024 16:31

You have wasted years trying to stick your claws in another woman’s man ( which I consider abusive tbh- putting her at risk for sti, un consented sharing sexual partner probably without protection as you’re ‘carried away’ 🤢)

your kids didn’t want to live with you and chose their dad? Did you make other judgment errors there too… other selfish and self absorbed things like cheating with a married man?

People cannot switch on and off things like cheating and lying so eventually even their ‘loved ones’ get the measure of them.

lastly, from what I have heard from friends in their late 20s / 30s they often get pursued by men in their fifties in online dating ! Crazy I know but may explain why you’re not meeting one..

Choochoo21 · 03/08/2024 17:20

Also, I am wondering if any men on here can advise on why this man gets carried away and doesn't seem to have any control over what he says/does (but then regrets it the next morning). He is a lovely person all round but becomes a horny little devil every now and then. I love it tbh. Pathetic, I know!!

He uses you for sex.

He says what he needs to say to keep you hanging on/have sex with you and then he backs off to let you know that he doesn’t actually have feelings for you.

You cheated and you’re having sex with a married man.
Some may say you deserve to be lonely.

I wouldn’t want to be with a man who cheated on his wife and had been sleeping with a married woman - perhaps these men online can sense that you are not a good catch.

You know this man will never leave his wife.
Tell him it’s over and block/delete all of his contacts.

Then join some clubs and hobbies and carry on OLD.
You need to let this man go before you can move on with anyone else.

SamW98 · 03/08/2024 18:08

lastly, from what I have heard from friends in their late 20s / 30s they often get pursued by men in their fifties in online dating !

Yep. I’m in my mid 50’s and in dated with messages from men in their late 60’s and 70’s. Oldest was 79!! They do like to chase women young enough to be their daughters

BlastedPimples · 03/08/2024 18:12

You say the OM is trying to stop it.

Why are you so passive? It's embarrassing.

Why aren't you trying to stop it?

It's like you're there on a platter for the taking whenever he wants it.

I don't think you should get involved with anyone until your self esteem is built up. You're clearly lacking in boundaries.

Lostsadandconfused · 03/08/2024 18:25

My 20 year marriage ended a year ago. Since then I’ve had a casual relationship with a work colleague that lasted 4 months, now I am dating a lovely man I met through a friend who met him in a pub.

I’m so glad I’ve avoided OLD, I’d much rather meet people ‘in the wild’.

Babbahabba · 03/08/2024 18:44

What's wrong with the men online? You get lots of likes but not a single one is good enough for a date?

You sound very lonely generally. Try rebuilding your relationship with your DCs and making some friends.

In time you'll be ready to date properly when you've got MM out of your system.

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