Early 50's and no luck finding someone

[needahug27]

Hello,

52 year old female here. Really feeling lonely and not getting anywhere with dating apps. Sexless marriage (due to no attraction/age gap) ended a few years ago after I got involved with someone online. We are still in touch (7 years on!!) and recently met again - which ended up in the hotel bedroom (we live 250 miles apart). We get on extremely well and he has always been a support to me. However, it is becoming very clear he won't end his marriage and I've started to realise he gets carried away as he ends up feeling guilty and goes quiet afterwards (for a while). He has been pushing for it to be a friendship for a while. He is very aware of the effect this has had on me.

I know that my lack of sex and affection led to all of the above and, stupidly, I developed feelings for this man long ago. My husband was the opposite of him (he lacked affection, passion and never said nice things to me - we were like siblings).

I have tried to find someone else. I have no problem getting maximum likes on dating apps but I just don't seem to like anyone on there. I don't think it's the right platform for me. Plus, I have feelings for someone else. When I came across the OM it was a chat site and, well, we chatted for ages and ages before we ended up with each other's numbers etc. It was very obvious that my marriage was missing things in other areas too. OM has insisted over the years that he lives in a sexless marriage but he says she is a lovely lady. Where he lives also restricts his options (financially). I do believe him. He is a very genuine, lovely man. Sexually, he does seem to get carried away (sadly for me as ends up regretting it). We've had lots of naughty phone calls too, over the years. It's obvious that I was missing something deep down though.

After deleting Tinder and Bumble again today, I'm at a loss. I'm trying to meet someone who is available and stop being so obsessed with this man I can't have. He has tried to turn it into a platonic friendship recently but it just ends up sexual again (well, we both fancy each other so it does). He cut contact in the early days but it didn't last long.

My divorce has cost me thousands and I lost my house. The kids live with their father, mostly - although one has left the nest now. I didn't get what I should have done as I couldn't see the point in paying a solicitor for anymore time and nothing was happening. It was affecting me, mentally. This has been very emotionally and financially draining for me but I have done a lot of soul searching over the years. I am very aware that I married the wrong man. I stayed with him as he was nice but the chemistry wasn't there. The attraction either, as I realised. The age gap was also an issue for me later as he acted/looked a lot older than his age (11 years my senior). The OM has blown me away. Although he was against meeting, we did (many times) and have spent lots of time together. But, I can't have him. He is trying to tell me this too.

Where can I go, in real life, to meet someone? Someone close to my age. I'm a professional and well educated. I don't go out much in the evenings, which doesn't help. My inexperience, when I was young, was also due to this.

I need to shake off my feelings for someone I can't have. It's destroying me. I've lost a lot of family members over these years too, which hasn't helped.

Very lonely but very passionate and affectionate (with the right one).

Also, I am wondering if any men on here can advise on why this man gets carried away and doesn't seem to have any control over what he says/does (but then regrets it the next morning). He is a lovely person all round but becomes a horny little devil every now and then. I love it tbh. Pathetic, I know!!

There's no nice way to say this but I don't mean it horribly. You sound desperate. You also sound like you have zero remorse or shame for sleeping with a married man whilst you yourself were married. Perhaps you need to work on your self respect and then you will attract a decent man in to your life. Leave this married man alone FFS - if he hasn't left after 7 years it's not going to happen.

I think that you hit it on the head about feeling guilty. Also, I have to wonder if maybe he feels scared. The relationship could becoming very close, and his fear is jumping from a marriage and leaving what is comfortable for you and the possibility of unknown situations. Hopefully that makes sense but I kind of understand that.

It sounds like you would benefit from stopping looking for a man. Spend time on your own, get new hobbies, join classes, do gardening, take trips and holidays by yourself, etc. Learn to enjoy a single life. You sound as if you're desperate for any man to make your life better, but you need to do that for yourself, not rely on men to bring you happiness. A man should be a bonus to your life but your life should be full and happy without one. Accept you may never have another relationship and live your life without desperately looking all the time. And if at some later point you do meet a man, have some self respect and do not go near married/partnered ones.

Leaving aside the unsuitable other man, who should indeed be blocked as he’s a distraction that will never amount to anything, it IS incredibly difficult to meet a dateable single man in his 50s who is also looking for a woman in her 50s. One can have a fulfilled life with hobbies and friends, and siblings and children were relevant, but craving opposite sex companionship and sex is perfectly normal. It was a bit easier in my 40s; it’s much harder in the 50s, I find. If there’s an alternative to the apps, I’d love to know.