Does he think I’m a scammer?

[Notsurewhatodohere]

Hello, please could you give me a sanity check here. I matched with someone on bumble who seemed great, lots of common interests. I suggested meeting for a coffee and he then asked me if I was free the next day. I said yes, then he said his Dad was visiting and they were going out of town for part of the day and he wasn’t sure what time they'd be back but we should keep in touch in the day. I said sure but probably best if you text me as I don’t have the bumble app or data on my phone and I might be in town then I sent him my number. He then didn’t get in touch all day and in the evening deleted the conversation / match… So I’m wondering if he’s flakey, lost interest, got cold feet or if me asking him to text me and saying I don’t have data seemed dodgy? I’m 100% not a scammer. He has a well paid job so maybe he thought I was after his cash? Would you think it was weird if a date to asked you to text them as soon as you got chatting and said they didn’t have data? I have a decent income too I just don’t like phones…. Seems a real shame if that’s why he ended it, this was the first match I was keen to meet. I guess I’ll never know but it would be good to get a second opinion from MN as to whether I blew it? Thanks!

I wouldn't overthink any of it, or even try to fathom out what is going on in a stranger's head. It's impossible for us to know why he decided not to continue, but as we all are, he's a free agent to decide not to take things further.

Perhaps it was mentioning the data thing and not having the app on your phone. I would wonder if they are subtle hints of trying to ask me for them. I know you didn’t ask but having heard so many stories one would be wary.
I had the similar. The guy has made references to money twice, he’s never asked for it but i thought could he be expecting me to offer to help? Still in touch with him btw as I don’t want to jump into conclusions plus he’s a nice guy.
I think it’s a bit silly to make assumptions without at least meeting the person. Maybe he just got cold feet. Im a fan of honesty and communication would have been nice if he made you aware before unmatching.

It’s impossible to know but with OLD people delete and unmatch for seemingly no reason all the time.

The no data thing could have triggered him to think you might ask him to buy you some but really don’t give it too much head space.

When I used a dating site it was very unusual for a woman to show she was interested fast - and with two exceptions (one quickly disappeared and the other... is the reason I'm not OLD) they were scams. So yes, maybe he did doubt it. The "I don't have an app let's use the phone" is also the classic excuse.

Things that alert us men are a woman (well... a woman's profile) moving fast, insisting we're a perfect match like some sort of love bombing, but also wanting to exchange but not to meet. Usually after a couple of days you'll discover that she's stuck in Thailand or somewhere without a passport or money and needs the price of a ticket home in bitcoin😂

Things you can do... Say it straight, but also show you're real by saying you'll be face to face. If you have other tangible signs you are genuine, like a social media profile, you could share that. But you don't know if that's the issue, so...

It could be he's not genuine - a scammer won't disappear, but lying on the profile, so you match something he's not, or he's in a relationship, and realising now that it's stupid? It could be something personal and simple, his old dad needs him... It could be he's not as sure as you are and your speed makes him uneasy... His phone could be out of charge...

Only way to know is ask. But leave room to let him say, "sorry, matching you was a mistake" - or else he won't say it, you'll be stewing in your own juices.

Last point... you are getting attached to a profile. Arm yourself against getting attached too quick to people (not even people: profiles) you don't know well. We've all done it - well ok, mums on mumsnet will never admit to this. I'm a dad on mumsnet, I'll tell you: I've done it 😅- it's not fun. Remember that "no" means "next", and until you have an idea who someone is, not to let yourself too open to heartache.

Impossible to say for sure, sometimes people just change their minds and don't think it merits a conversation before meeting or if a date isn't set.

I'd hazard that the data thing could have been a factor here. Not necessarily that you're a scammer but it suggests you may not be solvent (fine if you choose not to use mobile data but it's quite an unusual choice these days). Especially that wording. That sounds like you've run out rather than it being a choice.

If he's solvent himself he might have just thought 'cant be bothered. I want someone who can afford and stay on top of the basics'.

Out of interest, are scammers common on OLD for men?

I didn’t even think of it as being a thing but then I matched with someone who really quickly wanted to video call etc ‘to prove I’m not a scammer’.

Another point, are women not very talkative/ message back quickly on OLD?

I think you’re onto something.

If someone told me they don’t have data when it’s pretty much free these days, I’d think that they’re either living in extreme circumstances, or lead a very unusual lifestyle/ have a burner phone. I’d probably ask them directly but most people aren’t that direct, they just assume.

One of the red flags for scammers/catfish on dating apps is to try and get you onto WhatsApp or other ways of chatting very quickly so yes maybe your ‘no data no app’ sounded like that to him.

Well, for a start, I wouldn't' ever consider a first date with a man who couldn't commit to an actual date and time - I don't hang around waiting to hear from a man to see when he's free on a first date. Sheesh. So you've dodged a bullet there anyway. [this is in the old days - I'm long, and happily married now].

But re the app and data, I'm not sure if I'd think it was a scam, but I could easily see him thinking that either you have no money and it's not something he's interested in, or you're one of those people who dont' like to use modern technology, largely making life harder for everyone else and I wouldn't be interested. I've met women who seem nice until it turns out they can't do the most basic of things online and somehow seem to think that therefore I'll be happy to do the research/booking/planning/organising because I AM on the phone. The hypocrisy of saying, "I don't like to miss the real world by having a phone with data" and then expecting everyone else to manage for you is endlessly irritating.

I totally agree. I’m married so not in the dating game but can well imagine if I was that the “don’t have data or the app” would be an “ick” for me and would have put me off meeting.

Either his 'dad' was another date, it moved towards sex so he didn't need you anymore.

Or his 'dad' was his wife/gf and he didn't know when he'd be able to escape her to see you. She got suspicious so he removed and blocked you.

Or you didn't seem like you were looking for a shag. And he was.

Or he didn't like that you didn't have data as he's one of those love bombing twats who need to be in constant contact. So saying you don't have data means he wouldn't be able to talk to you 24/7 amd hypnotise you.

Yeah, to echo PP, if a guy said to me he didn’t have data I would assume he was either

1. very old pretending to be younger
2. was not solvent
3. of low intelligence, not bright enough to use a smart phone.

Sorry OP, no data is a massive red flag

I'm a guy (I'm not sure that bit even matters here), but that sounds like something I'd say if I thought the other person was 'more' interested than me.

It's basically a "don't call me, I'll call you" rather than sorry, I'm not that into you email.

Married 😳

I agree with another comment, that it's very common for scammers, to try and get you to stop using official dating apps asap and onto using WhatsApp. It may be when you stated you had 'no data', and gave him your number, he assumed you were a scammer. You're not, but as it's a common scam, you can't blame him for assuming. Most people if they thought the person wasn't real, would stop engaging, and walk away. Not many, would go back and say 'I think you're a scammer, prove to me you're not'!! Most, quite frankly wouldn't be arsed, to waste any more of their time! I think may be you need to put this down to experience, and move on. However, you need to get to grips with technology a little, make sure you have data and can communicate through the app.

There are too many scammers, I'd say 20% of the female profiles I saw are scams, but some of them are just ridiculous and it doesn't take much to spot them. Sometimes you get led up the garden path and then think oh well, wasted my time.

Women not being talkative - I'm sure it varies. I think you receive a lot of attention online and you filter fast, so unless my profile / message feels interesting at first, I get filtered fast. Past that early hurdle, the tone is different - language skill is a desirable trait, so they test it!

If men you chat to are cagey, there's a pattern to scams: they promise a lot and deliver little. So quick to get your phone number (they'll use a fake one themselves), slow to respond to f2f. The other thing you can do is give traceable details, e.g. social media, etc. And yes, some of the questions you get might be also to decide if you're real, so forgive us if the early conversation goes, er, edgeways a bit.

On match.com where I was, it was friendly even when we weren't matching, we sometimes talked about that too. Depends the site I suppose, but ask the men when you get chatting!

Oh dear, 20%? I'm still wondering what do these scams lead to, how does the scam work if you don't meet in person? I.e. would someone really send money to somebody who they don't know extremely well IRL? Or am I being naive?

The guy I matched with that wanted to check if I was a scammer (unfortunately for him I wasn't up for continuing to chat with someone who from the outset thought I was) had apparently transferred some woman money after she said she couldn't afford to buy lunch at work? Is that usual?

I know about romance scams of course but thought these were mostly targeted at pensioners or the incredibly desperate. Or do men just send women money on the internet? Are the obvious scammers incredibly attractive looking using fake pictures ?

I don't do OLD anymore so can't ask the men unfortunately 🙂However I did notice some men revealed their full name and identifiable details very quickly, probably to prove that they were real and actually single, which seemed crazy to me from a privacy POV.

If he's solvent himself he might have just thought 'cant be bothered. I want someone who can afford and stay on top of the basics'.

This.

I’d be pretty put off if any grown adult told me they couldn’t message because they’d run out of data. Does anyone run out of data anymore? Most people can afford mobile contracts with unlimited or close to unlimited data. It hints that you are using a burner phone, are like 16 on your parents’ plan or are just really bad with money.

Yeah, the 'no data' thing would put me off someone.

Also, maybe he wasn't prepared to give out his number this quickly, and you'd have it if you were texting.

Interesting to hear people talk about no data being off putting.

I'm a pay as you go phone (because I have a house phone and Internet so why bother with a mobile contract too) that charges a fuck ton for data and the top up page is really temperamental so I practically never buy any.

I regularly say to a guy right before heading out for the date 'I've not topped up the data so if you need me, text me. See you soon x'. Never had any of them have an issue with that.

But I think its context and timing. If I was newly conversing with someone and they wanted to go to text asap I'd assume they were creeps. Men maybe would assume we were scammers.

I keep hearing that men don't care if you're on a low income but as a woman if a guy said this to me I would assume he is poor.

I guess it sounded like you wanted a sugar daddy and will be asking for money for bills, you're already sharing your financial troubles with him by basically saying you're too poor to afford a plan with a higher or unlimited data which is like £20 a month.

…or it was his dad.

"The guy I matched with ... had apparently transferred some woman money after she said she couldn't afford to buy lunch at work? Is that usual?"

That's one of many scams. Scammers industrialise the process. Imagine a warehouse in the philippines where slave labour sends love-bombing messages according to a script. An "I'm lost abroad" scam brings 100's but is hard to pull off... "buy me lunch" is £5.

"romance scams ... mostly targeted at pensioners or the incredibly desperate. Or do men just send women money on the internet?"

Anyone becomes desperate enough given the right mix of rejection and love-bombing. After all, how often are we surprised that people we think of as well-adjusted, clever, stable... Turn out to need alcohol or whatever.

"Are the obvious scammers incredibly attractive looking using fake pictures ?"

That too! In fact it's a tell-tale sign. I am deluded about myself of course, but if the top-model photo comes from an instagram influencer with a million followers, I normally fnoud my senses that I'm not Brad Pitt!

There’s a lot of fake male profiles too. I used to play along to catch them out but can’t be arsed now. The way they word their bio along with the instagram model photos makes most of them easy to spot.

I remember one such catfish told me lived in Cambridge and was half Romanian but he’d never been to Rome. Errr ok

I asked what there is to do where he lives and he sent me what looked like a copy and paste from the local tourist guide. So I asked for our first date what restaurant would we at in a x what’s the best bar for afterwards?

I got unmatched 🤣🤣