Need to make a decision, partner eats with mouth open

[Misha1998]

To start, me and my partner have an overall great relationship and his eating is not something I'm going to break up over.

I am very sensitive to certain sounds bothering me, the sound of chewing and gulping being the ones I am exposed to on a daily basis and therfore are my main issue!

My partner eats with his mouth open and the sound of him churning food round his mouth I find disgusting and off putting, he always has since I've know him. I've told him it bothers me multiple times and he sometimes closes his mouth but mostly continues as he is and seems to be doing it even more (every single meal) recently including doing it extra noisy over the top when sharing food with our daughter (1yo). When I asked him not to then he said I'm ruining his fun/bonding with her.

His overall view, and normal response to me asking him to close his mouth, is to say that I've got an issue and need to go to a therapist, that eating like this is how you enjoy food, that I don't understand food enjoyment/culture (I cook our evening meals and love food!), I don't enjoy food as much as him, etc etc and he can be an incredibly defensive and combative person in general.l

Strangely enough it doesn't bother me at all when my daughter eats with her mouth open. However I have visions of family meals in 15 years time where our kids and my partner are all eating mouth open and I simply won't be able to enjoy my meal at all and no one will listen to me. As it is I find eating with my partner means eating with a backdrop of feeling tense and stressed and I love and want to bond with him but I also prefer to eat separately most of the time and eat in peace and relax.

I don't want to create a culture of everyone in the family eating with mouth open and so I feel I need to not encourage it with my daughter but I don't want it to be a mam v dad issue. Nor do I want to pass my sensitivities into my children. So I need to decide what approach to take with her.

For context also. My partner is similarly sensitive to smells and textures. I cannot wear fleece and other materials, use perfume or scented hair/wash products, he really doesn't like certain spices and ingredients in cooking. I avoid all these things he is extra sensitive to. This includes, since meeting him, stopping using hair or skin products that really worked for me, clothes i used to like wearing and a perfume I used to wear too. I am limited in the washing powder or bed sheets (material) I can buy, amongst other things. I think part of me feels that I make space for him more than he does for me in this way. I'm the more ready going of the two of us, I'm sure he would agree, and am not a nagging partner, eating noises are almost the only thing I ask him not to do.

What do you do in my situation?

I could not cope with that AT ALL! It's one of the worst traits a human can have. I don't know how you've got this far with him op!
Your daughter WILL copy him and you need to change that immediately. You and dd need to eat separately from him at all times, and tell him why. It's shocking that he hasn't addressed this. I've always been really strict with my 3 dc with table manners and dh is on exactly the same page. Being able to eat politely and enjoy meals with company is a massively important social skill imo.

'incredibly defensive and combative person in general'

I wouldn't be around a male like this for 5 minutes. Not boyfriend material.

Teaching dc this trait too will lead to potential isolation at mealtimes at school and potential bullying.

Also teachers and staff will be telling dc to not do this at school.

Also it is deemed rude, if dc goes other places for food like friends, family or school outings.

Such a shame ops partner has such bizarre views on something so simple to fix.

He knows it bothers you, that most people will find him disgusting but thinks YOU need therapy? Nah. Tip of the iceberg. Don't eat with him, don't let DD eat with him. Don't argue, just says it's sickening and you won't do it.

FWIW my first long term partner did something like this and also banged his teeth on his fork with every mouthful. I was so besotted to start with I overlooked it but after a year or two every time his teeth made that noise I nearly screamed and all desire for him died very rapidly as I was so revolted. Does your DP actively WANT to be physically repulsive to his life partner?

I have some beloved friends. I adore them and love spending time with them. I can not share a meal with them.

Their dad and all 3 children eat with their mouth open. It’s the noise and the visuals. Seeing and hearing their food churn is too much. I don’t know how their mum does it.

Eating is a social activity and it is difficult to have a full friendship with them being so antisocial. For instance, I couldn’t invite them to my wedding. I really wanted to but couldn’t work the seating plan to not impose them on anyone else. That level of intimacy is impossible with them.

Exactly 💯
This is the future he is inflicting on his daughter. It will have a devastating impact on her relationships, friendships and career. OP has every right to use parenting veto here.

“Here is dinner, CLOSE YOUR GOBS WHEN EATING.” Thank you.

Use your products as others have said - tell him to seek therapy as others have said.

Tell him they would not sell these products if nobody liked them or were willing to buy them (🙄).

First perhaps film him eating. Then show him. Volume turned up.

He may tough it out claiming it’s normal so you can ask if he’s happy you showing it to friends then.

Eating in this way can actually be more pleasurable to some ppl, it’s true. We’re all different with all sorts of likes and dislikes your ppl may find odd/horrifying. But the fact is most ppl are socially aware and emotionally intelligent enough to understand that not everybody is like them. Ppl who like S&M or any other sexual fetish generally practise it behind closed doors for example as it is not what a lot of ppl might approve of or want to do themselves perhaps. If it’s legal and not in ppls faces - up to them. But doing something you know your partner doesn’t like is a choice. Unless it’s a compulsion.

From your description of his smells and fabric aversion, this seems to be describing sensory avoidant behaviour. Chomping mostly with his mouth open is sensory seeking. It’s possible he has autism. Maybe read up on this?

You and your daughter should stop sitting at the table with him or she's going to learn that it's normal behaviour to eat like a pig.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I've had a read through them all and a think.

To address a few points first. He definitely has some sensory issues and somewhere on the spectrum, I feel I am the same! He is an unusual person and he isn't trying to be controlling, he has a certain way of being and thinking that is quite different to normal and I love him for that and I just feel I am a lot more accommodating of him than vice versa with this sensory stuff. I don't want to get into combat with him, or to be petty, but I am tempted to use products he doesn't like the smell of just to make a point a couple times, and possibly us both go to couples therapy together to discuss it more. It is a big issue for me but I feel it is shallow to end our relationship over as there is loads I love about him and we have a great time a lot of the time. I just wish I could enjoy meals with him! And having a daughter together means it decision time for me to decide what direction to take.

Thanks everyone :)

So will you continue to let him eat in this way with you and your daughter?

You didn't answer if he does this because of a medical issue, or if he eats like this infront of family, friends or outside the house.

Op it sounds like you have misophonia. This can be related to one person and not others when they eat. Google it. And to those saying your partner is being disrespectful with his eating there is a possibility his eating isn't as bad as we would expect but the misophonia making this worse for op. Op look this up to see if you think this could be you.

Loop do some ear plugs for these issues. I personally have tried them but didn't get on with them but I know alot of ppl are fine with them and I think they do a free trial. But you need to check this out yourself to see what the current deal is. Good luck Op hope you sort it out..

Spray perfume towards him every time he does it. You’ll soon train him out of it!

🤦🏻‍♀️

How do you go out in a public place with that behavior? What resturants do you see that in ? How will you daughter get along when she is eating with her mouth open when invited to friends houses? Even in school, you are setting her up to be made of fun. Eating with your mouth closed in just proper manners.
You should have addressed right from the start. Now that time has passed he is telling you it's okay and it is his way of eating. Well he is a human - not an animal in a zoo chopping away on his food.

Good luck op, but you don’t seem to be getting the severity of this. He asked you to make changes to accommodate his sensory issues and you did.

If you didn’t things would be quite uncomfortable and unpleasant for him around the house . He, OTOH, doesn’t care enough about you to make some changes in order to not make things unpleasant for you at mealtimes.

There is no way he doesn’t grasp the imbalance here. Does it really need a therapist to help him understand the unfairness here that even a small child would get??

I wasn’t someone who necessarily said LTB but you do need to acknowledge his behaviour is not one of a loving partner who sees you as an equal and respects you. It’s as simple as that.

I hope you do start wearing those products again which could open up a discussion, or at least force his hand but I suspect that you won’t. Again, good luck!

There is no way he doesn’t grasp the imbalance here. Does it really need a therapist to help him understand the unfairness here that even a small child would get??

I agree with this. Shutting your mouth whilst eating is such a tiny, small ask, it's not a monumental sacrifice for him to make and he really needs therapy to get that?- he wont do it because he loves you and it upsets you?

Bloody hell.

Agree with everyone - he can change but I imagine the shame of it means he is now digging in and being stubborn - a demand avoidance type thing?

def eat without him as much as possible

if it helps play music at meal times so it’s less awful?

This would have been a dealbreaker for me after the first time I saw him eat. Absolutely revolting.

That's classic - blame the woman and get her to adapt and put up with bad behaviour from the male.
It's childish, disgusting behaviour of the partner and he needs to grow up past being mentally 4 years old and behave in an appropriate manner in the real world 🌍 FGS?
If you love someone, you listen to them and ensure your behaviour makes them feel loved, safe and appreciated. He is trampling all over her feelings and getting the kid to do the same despite her being right and the avalanche of societal norms that say his behaviour is rude and unacceptable.
I'd guess you are male?

He is an unusual person and he isn't trying to be controlling, he has a certain way of being and thinking that is quite different to normal

Sometimes control can be hidden very well. I started to think my then husband was on a spectrum of whatever with some of his behaviour. He's not, it was control, very well disguised. Which is all the harder to see when you are the one being controlled.

I hope you're right that your partner isn't trying to be controlling and that you can find a reasonable solution to your problems, but please bear other possibilities in mind, keep your eyes open and retain as much of yourself as you can

Op seems to be misogynist sympathiser and enabler of bad behaviour.

Always women who have to adapt around men!

I was with you anyway (the thought of watching and listening to someone eat with their mouth open makes my skin crawl) but the fact you accommodate his sensitivities but ‘you need therapy’ is unbelievable.

How have you allowed this to happen?

Tell him to get therapy and you will wear what you want or better still he shows you the same level of courtesy that you extend to him.

Do continue to insist that your daughter closes her mouth when chewing. Your husband might learn that it is a decision he has control over as he watches D1 enjoy her food with mouth closed.

If daughter can't chew with her mouth closed take her to an ear, nose and mouth specialist. Usually people open their mouth because they can't breath through their nose.

Your husband, if he can stop feeling attacked and paranoid for one second, should seek out a medical reason for his unsocialable mouth open chewing. It is disgusting.

We've just come back off holiday and the amount of people who eat with their mouth open, can't hold cutlery properly and have their elbows up by their ears and scrape their cutlery against the plate or bowl was horrendous. I have severe misophonia and am autistic and can't abide it at all.
I couldn't stay with someone like this and my children have been raised to eat with their mouth closed.