Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think this is just so sad and not know what to do?

42 replies

PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 17:58

Need some advice, I've name changed for this.

So basically, DH has never had much contact with his Dad's side of the family. FIL comes from a pretty wealthy background and MIL not at all. They met and married young, and when they got together FIL's parents didn't approve, and threatened to disown him. FIL was angry with this and decided he would disown them instead - I don't think there was any 'legal' stuff to this, he stopped speaking to them, moved away and lived his own life with MIL.

DH isn't sure how much FIL's parents attempted to contact him over the years, and had some contact with his siblings but not how much. FIL is pretty closed/reserved person and they don't really talk about emotional things in their family. One of DHs cousins found him and his sister on social media when they were younger (unusual surname) - turned out cousin was in the same city for university as DH so they met a few times and are still in touch on social media but not close. FIL was/is not happy about this.

Anyway - fast forward to now, DH cousin has messaged to say that GFIL is dying and his mum (so FIL sister, DHs aunt) wants to contact FIL. FIL and MIL now live abroad so I guess any details she had to contact them before don't work anymore.

DH wants to ignore this basically. Whereas I just find it so sad. My family is the total opposite really, big and close, despite some of us living far away from the main group. I'm also not British so concept of going 'no-contact' is very alien to me, especially for something like not approving of your girlfriend. I know from being on here that lots of people go no contact with their families for very good reasons like abuse, but I just can't get my head around this.

I think DH should tell FIL or at least MIL? DH says why would it be any different now and that his Dad would just be annoyed that he was still in touch with cousin. I just find it so sad and cold and feel a bit emotional about it all and I can tell DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. What would you do?

OP posts:
FatmanandKnobbin · 02/08/2024 18:02

You should just support your husband.

I'm nc with my mother, I lost her, and grieved the relationship I should have had with a mum a long time ago, her becoming ill won't erase anything, her dying is absolutely inconsequential to me because she has been gone to me for a long time.

I would be furious if my dp started trying to convince me how sad it is and state what they think I should do.

Just support him in his choices.

BESTAUNTB · 02/08/2024 18:03

I would support my husband in what he wanted to do. I’d try to avoid the temptation to impose my own family norms on his.

alwaysmovingforwards · 02/08/2024 18:04

Families are all unique and different.
You can’t force what you think is normal onto another.

stayathomer · 02/08/2024 18:06

I disagree, I think they have the right to know so they can make an informed decision. Saying that if you’re not close to them then you can’t tell them

HoppityBun · 02/08/2024 18:08

I think DH should I’d let that bit go, and focus on just supporting him

Uricon2 · 02/08/2024 18:09

Not your family and so not your decision OP. Respect his.

Original poster
PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 18:10

Is thinking DH should pass on a message 'imposing' or 'forcing my family norms' on him? Really?

If DH had a bad relationship with his parents and didn't want to speak to them I would support him in that. But even DH says he doesn't really know how FIL would react to this news and MIL has said to me privately a few times that she thinks it's sad too and that she'd always hoped for reconcile because her family is close and she felt bad that FIL wasn't in touch with them any more.

OP posts:
thursdaymurderclub · 02/08/2024 18:12

becareful what you wish for? my DH had lost contact with his father and they had not spoken for 26 years.. lots of back story i won't go into but basically when FIL married his 2nd wife he dumped his own children and raised a new family. FIL then lost his 2nd wife, started making noises to DH's uncle that he wished to make amends.

i'm a big family person, and i encouraged the pair make amends.. and for a short time FIL was delighted to have his son and his daughter back. even asked my own DC to call him grandpa.

until.. he met another woman and hey presto.. everyone was once againt dropped.. haven't heard a whisper from him for 3 years now, no doubt he will come crawling when this next wife passes.. but once bitten, twice shy.

its not your decision to make.. respect DH's decision, i should have done and if i had my children would not have been emotionally affected

manonwelfling · 02/08/2024 18:13

I don't think it should be up to your DH. The family should be able to pass the message on to FIL so he can make his own decision.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2024 18:13

You need to support your husband. He’s also known them a lot longer than you have. Do not impose your own family norms here onto his. You are fortunate in that you have come from an emotionally healthy family, your h has not been that lucky.

Original poster
PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 18:13

stayathomer · 02/08/2024 18:06

I disagree, I think they have the right to know so they can make an informed decision. Saying that if you’re not close to them then you can’t tell them

Thank you. DH is quite close to his Mom and siblings and is ok with his Dad, but FIL is quite reserved. I have a good relationship with MIL and sister in law, but I wouldn't tell MIL without DH's approval obviously.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 02/08/2024 18:16

With respect Op, it's easy to say family is everything when your family are kind and loving, obviously his family are pretty judgemental. Please don't interfere, even if you do it with good intentions it may be very unwelcome to him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/08/2024 18:19

In answer to your question posted at 18:10 yes because it’s not your decision to make. This is his family of origin, not yours. Do not wade in and or interfere, the road to hell
after all is paved with good intentions.

owladventure · 02/08/2024 18:19

especially for something like not approving of your girlfriend. I know from being on here that lots of people go no contact with their families for very good reasons like abuse, but I just can't get my head around this.

You're being really judgemental. And quite naive.

Do you really think you have the full story of what went on and how badly they hurt your FIL? Given that it clearly still pains him to this day and he doesn't like to talk about it.

No. You got the sanitised cliff notes.

owladventure · 02/08/2024 18:21

Daleksatemyshed · 02/08/2024 18:16

With respect Op, it's easy to say family is everything when your family are kind and loving, obviously his family are pretty judgemental. Please don't interfere, even if you do it with good intentions it may be very unwelcome to him

Exactly.

Original poster
PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 18:25

Daleksatemyshed · 02/08/2024 18:16

With respect Op, it's easy to say family is everything when your family are kind and loving, obviously his family are pretty judgemental. Please don't interfere, even if you do it with good intentions it may be very unwelcome to him

Where did I say family was everything? My family are close yes, but not perfect, there are obviously some family members not as close as others, but when my grandmother died we were able to contact everyone to let them know. Not everybody could or wanted to be there for various reasons, but they knew she'd died. Shouldn't FIL or MIL at least know that DH cousin has been in touch?

OP posts:
owladventure · 02/08/2024 18:28

Shouldn't FIL or MIL at least know that DH cousin has been in touch?

Why? Because it will make you feel better?

Nothing you have said here suggests that he would want this contact or thank you for interfering. It all points to causing more hurt.

In what way precisely do you think it would benefit someone who has repeatedly made clear that they do not want any contact with these people?

manonwelfling · 02/08/2024 18:29

It's FIL's family, he should know and make his own decision. This is no one else's business.

Original poster
PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 18:32

owladventure · 02/08/2024 18:19

especially for something like not approving of your girlfriend. I know from being on here that lots of people go no contact with their families for very good reasons like abuse, but I just can't get my head around this.

You're being really judgemental. And quite naive.

Do you really think you have the full story of what went on and how badly they hurt your FIL? Given that it clearly still pains him to this day and he doesn't like to talk about it.

No. You got the sanitised cliff notes.

Thinking DH should pass on a message is judgemental and naive? Ok. MIL has said to me a few times she thinks its sad and she wishes it was different, but she says FIL is quite a black and white person and very proud so she stopped suggesting reconciliation after DH and sister were born as life got busy. But I guess according to you she is judgemental and naive too.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 02/08/2024 18:33

@PlumandBear Although I agree with people saying that it is your DH's decision whether to tell his parents or not and not yours, I actually agree with you that he doesn't have the right to make the decision for contact, or not on behalf of his parents. My view is he should tell them that the Aunt wants to contact them and leave it up to his parents to decide what they want to do. But please don't take matters into your own hands

Original poster
PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 18:34

Silvers11 · 02/08/2024 18:33

@PlumandBear Although I agree with people saying that it is your DH's decision whether to tell his parents or not and not yours, I actually agree with you that he doesn't have the right to make the decision for contact, or not on behalf of his parents. My view is he should tell them that the Aunt wants to contact them and leave it up to his parents to decide what they want to do. But please don't take matters into your own hands

I would never take matters into my own hands.

OP posts:
owladventure · 02/08/2024 18:34

PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 18:32

Thinking DH should pass on a message is judgemental and naive? Ok. MIL has said to me a few times she thinks its sad and she wishes it was different, but she says FIL is quite a black and white person and very proud so she stopped suggesting reconciliation after DH and sister were born as life got busy. But I guess according to you she is judgemental and naive too.

Show quote history

It's not just passing on a message about the weather, is it.

If you don't understand the huge amount of pain you would cause by disregarding their wishes to deliver this message then yes you are naive.

And the way you are writing about them, dismissing the pain his family caused him and demeaning him, making out that you know better even though you have no idea what happened - that is judgemental.

LondonLass61 · 02/08/2024 18:35

stayathomer · 02/08/2024 18:06

I disagree, I think they have the right to know so they can make an informed decision. Saying that if you’re not close to them then you can’t tell them

I agree with this poster. It's difficult but what if you don't say anything but later on, they found out that you knew?
That can't be undone.

Daleksatemyshed · 02/08/2024 18:35

@PlumandBear I'm NC with a member of my family, my partner knows why and understands my reasons. If he thought he knew better and contacted them behind my back I would feel so angry and betrayed. I do understand you're trying to do what feels right but you need to talk to him, let him make his own mind up

Original poster
PlumandBear · 02/08/2024 18:38

Daleksatemyshed · 02/08/2024 18:35

@PlumandBear I'm NC with a member of my family, my partner knows why and understands my reasons. If he thought he knew better and contacted them behind my back I would feel so angry and betrayed. I do understand you're trying to do what feels right but you need to talk to him, let him make his own mind up

Where did I say I would contact anyone behind anyone's back?

OP posts: