To think this is just so sad and not know what to do?

[PlumandBear]

Need some advice, I've name changed for this.

So basically, DH has never had much contact with his Dad's side of the family. FIL comes from a pretty wealthy background and MIL not at all. They met and married young, and when they got together FIL's parents didn't approve, and threatened to disown him. FIL was angry with this and decided he would disown them instead - I don't think there was any 'legal' stuff to this, he stopped speaking to them, moved away and lived his own life with MIL.

DH isn't sure how much FIL's parents attempted to contact him over the years, and had some contact with his siblings but not how much. FIL is pretty closed/reserved person and they don't really talk about emotional things in their family. One of DHs cousins found him and his sister on social media when they were younger (unusual surname) - turned out cousin was in the same city for university as DH so they met a few times and are still in touch on social media but not close. FIL was/is not happy about this.

Anyway - fast forward to now, DH cousin has messaged to say that GFIL is dying and his mum (so FIL sister, DHs aunt) wants to contact FIL. FIL and MIL now live abroad so I guess any details she had to contact them before don't work anymore.

DH wants to ignore this basically. Whereas I just find it so sad. My family is the total opposite really, big and close, despite some of us living far away from the main group. I'm also not British so concept of going 'no-contact' is very alien to me, especially for something like not approving of your girlfriend. I know from being on here that lots of people go no contact with their families for very good reasons like abuse, but I just can't get my head around this.

I think DH should tell FIL or at least MIL? DH says why would it be any different now and that his Dad would just be annoyed that he was still in touch with cousin. I just find it so sad and cold and feel a bit emotional about it all and I can tell DH thinks I'm being ridiculous. What would you do?

@Daleksatemyshed well, it's not about you. For all we know GFIL might want to make amends towards FIL. It's for FIL to decide wether he wants anything to do with his own father before it's too late. NO one is entitled to make this decision for him.

Fine if you think I am just some horrible naive idiot. I don't think I know better, and I am allowed to think something is sad.

I just think it should be up to FIL to decide, and if they were still living in the UK, DHAunt would have been able to tell him herself.

What will your FIL say when he finds out his DS knew what was going on and chose to keep it from him? That's the question that needs to be answered. Your DH knows something of consequence (in the wider sense, not his family circs). Someone is dying. I'd be inclined to pass that message on. What his DF does with that news is up to him. I think i'd be pretty pissed that I wasn't given the choice on how I wanted to respond.

I think it's difficult.

Part of going NC surely means that you will not be told this stuff?

If he was unhappy about your husband meeting a cousin that would suggest that he wants no contact with anyone still?

He knows that his son has been in contact & could have done so himself.

I wouldn't like to be in your DHs shoes. He has had a very tough decision to make, and has made it using his own judgement of 'least harm'. It may not have been the decision you would have made, but luckily for you, you weren't called upon to make one. I think you shouldn't muddy the waters and cast doubt on what he's decided. It's very morally ambiguous and he's a right to be supported with what he's chosen to do.

I think too that your dh should let his dad know.
Thats it. Just the information Wo any pressure for him to get in touch or not.

Tye problem with not telling him is that you are making the decision for him and assuming that, because he hasn’t had any contact for X many years, he wouldn’t want to be in touch now.
But that’s not what the information is about. Telling him to give him the choice if saying ‘ok… I’ll have a word with them’ OR ‘And?? He was going to die at some point anyway. For me he died years ago’ iyswim

fwiw I think he is wrong in telling your dh that he shouldn’t be in contact with his cousins. Neither your dh, nor the cousins have anything to do with the disagreement between FIL and his parents.

I really dint think it’s disrespectful to let him know. What would be is doing so in the hope they’d reconcile iyswim.

If he was unhappy about your husband meeting a cousin that would suggest that he wants no contact with anyone still?

But that, in itself, was wrong though.
The dh and the cousins are not FIL and his parents. Their relationship or lack of shouldn’t be decided by FIL.

Whether right or wrong he didn't stop the contact as adults did he?

And it hasn't been said how FIL's siblings reacted.

I mean FIL's father sounds pretty awful doesn't he-threatening to disown his son if he marries who he wants to.

Op's husband must feel pretty conflicted over that insult to his mum!

@manonwelfling of course it's not about me but that doesn't change my view that if someone is NC it's for a good reason.

You. Do. Nothing. There is nothing worse than being guilt-tripped into seeing family that you do not want to see. It's not sad, it's just life. Your family may be different, OP, but you must respect your husband and father-in-law's choices.

Being British doesn’t make you more likely to go NC, that’s quite rude to think so, maybe there’s more to it so just support your husband and keep your nose out?

With FILs sisters I know one seems to have reached out more than the other (the one that wants to get in touch now). They are also a bit younger than FIL and were still teenagers when this all happened.

I agree that not approving of MIL is pretty horrible. She's lovely! DH is a bit conflicted about that because he loves his Mom, but also he struggles a bit with his family on her side because they were judgemental in their own way about FIL being 'not like them' and the his male cousins and uncles teased DH a lot growing up

@Daleksatemyshed sorry, that was abrupt.
I agree, it's a hard thing to do and there's always a good reason.
But that decision belongs to FIL - until the end.

I suppose if FIL hasn't left any contact details then that's a pretty big statement.

Maybe not more likely, but does seem more acceptable to go no contact here though, it's a more individual culture than the one I grew up in - which I do like and enjoy in many ways, otherwise I wouldn't have built my life here.

Individual and collective cultures obviously both have their positives and negatives. Where I'm from it's more low contact than no contact where there has been conflict. Not my intention to be rude, just a cultural observation.

but does seem more acceptable to go no contact here though,

I think there is a lot less of putting up with stuff from parents/family just because they are parents/family & I think that that's a good thing.

My MIL's parents didn't go to her wedding as they didn't think FIL was good enough.

Her dad stood outside the church to see her come out & that was it.

Yet of course they still expected to see her & her son & be looked after in their dotage.

Which she did.

@manonwelfling not a problem but thank you