Think he's ended it... yet hanging around for what ?

xTheLoudLeaderx · 2024-08-01T21:03:14+00:00

Arrrgh I don't actually know what I am expecting from this. I've come to the very end of a long stressful bumpy relationship (lies, gambling, addiction, cheating) and now finally I'm broke, literally. I can't believe I have let this happen. I'm a fragment of the woman I was before I got in a relationship with him. A very long story short - we don't have kids, I've been dealt the last straw (photos of his ex on his on his recent pictures, just sat at the side of him and he was showing me something and I asked what it was... a memory had popped up on his facebook so he screenshot it to send her apparently, but didnt because he knew it was wrong - not sorry either, just defensive and called me an idiot for looking over at his phone). They keep in touch as they have a property together still, she is living in it. We've been together 2 years though. He doesn't have anywhere else to go, or wont. I am now past the point of crying and being upset I just want him to leave. He cant grasp the fact that I would be the one to end it, hes 10 years older, its my house, he's really outgoing and "fun" and just says "ill speak to you tomorrow when you aren't mad" - I've never been in this situation before but how the hell do you tell someone who's manipulative to get the hell out ? He thinks i'll be sorry tomorrow and don't mean what I've said. I'm looking for a way to end things but I think he already has... he's just lingering in my home !

LittleGreenDragons · 01/08/2024 22:07

Tell him he either leaves under his own steam or you will call the police to escort him out. If he still refuses then call them. You MUST mean this.

Although honestly I would call the police first, by yourself, and ask them for their advice on how to get your ex out of the house safely. That will also mean that when you call for back up they will hopefully come quicker.

The other alternative is to get friends round to help gather his things together to put outside, and help change the locks. Him not having anywhere to go is not your problem, travel lodge and Premier Inn do exist.

Original poster

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 22:13

LittleGreenDragons · 01/08/2024 22:07

Tell him he either leaves under his own steam or you will call the police to escort him out. If he still refuses then call them. You MUST mean this.

Although honestly I would call the police first, by yourself, and ask them for their advice on how to get your ex out of the house safely. That will also mean that when you call for back up they will hopefully come quicker.

The other alternative is to get friends round to help gather his things together to put outside, and help change the locks. Him not having anywhere to go is not your problem, travel lodge and Premier Inn do exist.

Edited

He's not actually done anything wrong for me to call the police apart from relationship problems. He's been living and contributing to the bills for over a year...
I just really don't get why he is here still. Its not the first time, but in the past I've always backed down and sort of blamed myself - when this last straw definitely isnt me. He's said I'm over reacting, and that I cant deal with things and if it makes me that mad we aren't in sync. To which i replied that i cant deal with it because things keep happening to upset me. Its such strange behaviour !!

OP posts:

LittleGreenDragons · 01/08/2024 22:34

He's not actually done anything wrong for me to call the police apart from relationship problems.
Wrong. You have asked him to leave YOUR house and he won't. They will come if you say that. If he refuses them then they can arrest him.

But if you don't believe me then call them and ask for their advice on how to get someone out. He's now equivalent to a salesman who won't leave - you have no relationship anymore, no financial ties, nothing to bind you together.

BTW, he is deliberately trying to confuse and blame you as he's hoping you will pipe down and shut up. Be strong, you can never build a good relationship with liar.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 01/08/2024 23:10

Put his stuff outside and change the locks tomorrow, assuming he works, that'll give you all day to bag up his stuff.
Then send him a message telling him to collect his belongings.
Then block him.
Trust me, you'll have the best nights sleep tomorrow night

ByCupidStunt · 01/08/2024 23:15

Of course he's done something to make you call the police - you've asked him to leave and he won't go!

If he was in my house now and I asked him to leave and he wouldn't I'd call the police so I don't understand why you haven't.

Or

Just change the locks when he's at work tomorrow

Original poster

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 23:16

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 01/08/2024 23:10

Put his stuff outside and change the locks tomorrow, assuming he works, that'll give you all day to bag up his stuff.
Then send him a message telling him to collect his belongings.
Then block him.
Trust me, you'll have the best nights sleep tomorrow night

i've never been one for the bagging up and throwing out like trash, have you ever done that ? I want to, but feel it's crap on my side - as much as he's upset me, lied to me and broken me - I'd never do that to someone's belongings. A few friends said that a few months ago before they got fed up with me and stopped caring as they'd also said their bit and was fed up, with me.
It just goes against all my morals and as much as I'm down and have been a doormat - no one will take away my kindness, or whatever word. Thats my last ounce of dignity !

OP posts:

Sugarlily · 01/08/2024 23:18

Nah it’s not dignified to be walked over. It makes you a fool. Kick him out

ByCupidStunt · 01/08/2024 23:18

If you don't want to bag his stuff up just change the locks and message him telling him when he can come and get his stuff but make sure you have someone there with you when you do.

SecretSolo · 01/08/2024 23:28

I mean this really encouragingly, but you need to be the recipient of your kindness. He is actually TAKING from you. If you hadn't wanted to live alone previously, perhaps you would have bought a house with a friend, or family member. This man is neither.
He is a former romantic partner, to whom you have been fair, but you are allowed to be angry. Women are browbeaten with the 'be kind message.....interestingly it doesn't apply to men in the same way at all. No wonder we end up with depression and other issues. Please take back your power.

chocobaby · 01/08/2024 23:33

OP does he pay you rent? No… or mortgage? If it’s No to bothe answers, call a locksmith.
You don’t need to put his stuff out if you don’t want to. When he comes back from work tomorrow, tell him to come and collect his things when you have company.

Original poster

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 23:35

SecretSolo · 01/08/2024 23:28

I mean this really encouragingly, but you need to be the recipient of your kindness. He is actually TAKING from you. If you hadn't wanted to live alone previously, perhaps you would have bought a house with a friend, or family member. This man is neither.
He is a former romantic partner, to whom you have been fair, but you are allowed to be angry. Women are browbeaten with the 'be kind message.....interestingly it doesn't apply to men in the same way at all. No wonder we end up with depression and other issues. Please take back your power.

I am absorbing the words here.
I moved out at 17, got into a relationship, he moved in with me - we split but it was my house so he moved out. Same thing happened at 25, then moved house at 29 and a year later met my partner... so here I am. I like living alone, I guess I let my partners move in too soon and easy. None of them ever had a moving in chat, just became regular and then they had a key and there... looking back I've been so open and such a doormat but always prided myself on "no one will ever change my open heart" actually its just a doormat :(

OP posts:

ThatTealViewer · 01/08/2024 23:36

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 23:16

i've never been one for the bagging up and throwing out like trash, have you ever done that ? I want to, but feel it's crap on my side - as much as he's upset me, lied to me and broken me - I'd never do that to someone's belongings. A few friends said that a few months ago before they got fed up with me and stopped caring as they'd also said their bit and was fed up, with me.
It just goes against all my morals and as much as I'm down and have been a doormat - no one will take away my kindness, or whatever word. Thats my last ounce of dignity !

Show quote history

I’m sorry, but this is gibberish. You’ve somehow convinced yourself that being a doormat is a virtue. Please disabuse yourself of that notion.

If you won’t call the police and you won’t chuck him out, what is it you’re hoping we’ll be able to help with? A few magic words to get him to leave of his own volition? Do you even actually want him to leave?

BananaLambo · 01/08/2024 23:41

Is the house he owns with his ex close by? He still owns that so he does have somewhere to go, however much neither of them will want it. Bag up his stuff, change your locks, and dump it round there. Message him to let him know, and the block and delete. You don’t owe him anything. You’ve already been too kind.

Original poster

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 23:42

ThatTealViewer · 01/08/2024 23:36

I’m sorry, but this is gibberish. You’ve somehow convinced yourself that being a doormat is a virtue. Please disabuse yourself of that notion.

If you won’t call the police and you won’t chuck him out, what is it you’re hoping we’ll be able to help with? A few magic words to get him to leave of his own volition? Do you even actually want him to leave?

Show quote history

If you read my first line, I did actually say I wasn't sure what to expect. Ive never described myself as a doormat FYI before tonight, just reading the comments has made me feel that way.
I was actually hoping for some sound advice or words from women who in the past maybe was confident and independent and had been in a similar situation where theyd fallen for a bit of an idiot !

OP posts:

BananaLambo · 01/08/2024 23:45

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 23:16

i've never been one for the bagging up and throwing out like trash, have you ever done that ? I want to, but feel it's crap on my side - as much as he's upset me, lied to me and broken me - I'd never do that to someone's belongings. A few friends said that a few months ago before they got fed up with me and stopped caring as they'd also said their bit and was fed up, with me.
It just goes against all my morals and as much as I'm down and have been a doormat - no one will take away my kindness, or whatever word. Thats my last ounce of dignity !

Show quote history

So he’s upset you, lied to you, and broken you and you’re still more loyal to him than you are to yourself? Come on! You come first - don’t disadvantage yourself in order to benefit him when he absolutely doesn’t deserve it. He would think nothing of doing it to you if the roles were reversed, would he?

QueenofHebdenBridge · 01/08/2024 23:46

I say this with respect - at this point you're just abusing yourself. You say yourself you're a shadow of what you used to be due to this relationship.

He doesn't deserve any of your kindness or morals, save those for people who are worth it. If you're serious about him leaving then you need to make it happen.

Lies, cheating, gambling & addiction individually would make a relationship difficult - together they're a disaster. You deserve better.

SecretSolo · 01/08/2024 23:46

You are not a doormat, you just haven't been able to see things from this perspective before. It's a life lesson....up yntil now the emotional payoff will have been worth it. That's no longer the case and you have every right, legally and morally to benefit from your kindness, ahead of any former relationship.

Clearly, he isn't thinking,
"I must be kind to Leader by leaving immediately and leaving £100 in a thank you card, with an apology and a goodwill gesture,"

is he? Why is the expectation of kindness that women will be quiet while men take the proverbial.
PS Don't have such an open heart that your common sense falls out of it 😁.
Obviously, you haven't been protected enough. Only you can change that.

I am totally rooting for you, you can do this.

Original poster

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 23:48

Oh god this is a reality check. Im actually reading the comments with squinted eyes. I have looked at reform courses for women on why to keep picking the same guy.
I will come on tomorrow and say how things have gone. Its just been a slow decline.. to the point where my friends dont want to hear no more - hence the post on here.

OP posts:

Tarquina · 01/08/2024 23:50

I hate to tell you this but the police will not come and remove him from your property, unless he is being violent.

I know this because last year I had to call them to help me get a man out of my house and they absolutely refused to come. I even went to the police station and told them in person I am frightened of this man I am scared of what he might do please just come down and be with me while I ask him to leave. They would not even do that. They said that they would only come after he had hit me.

so the answer is you have to do the second thing and that is get some people together pack all his things change the locks then call him and tell him to come and collect his things and then when he arrives get your friends to bring them out the house and put them out the front and hand them to him you can't just leave things outside and let them be stolen. Do not let him inside the house under any circumstances.

Original poster

xTheLoudLeaderx · 01/08/2024 23:55

SecretSolo · 01/08/2024 23:46

You are not a doormat, you just haven't been able to see things from this perspective before. It's a life lesson....up yntil now the emotional payoff will have been worth it. That's no longer the case and you have every right, legally and morally to benefit from your kindness, ahead of any former relationship.

Clearly, he isn't thinking,
"I must be kind to Leader by leaving immediately and leaving £100 in a thank you card, with an apology and a goodwill gesture,"

is he? Why is the expectation of kindness that women will be quiet while men take the proverbial.
PS Don't have such an open heart that your common sense falls out of it 😁.
Obviously, you haven't been protected enough. Only you can change that.

I am totally rooting for you, you can do this.

Wow. You should be a motivational speaker ! Its overwhelming now. When I wrote my post I was so mad and upset and hurt. Now I just realise ive slipped, big time. 5 years ago i would never imagine i would be this hung up.
I do have the positivity to know i can and will move on from my past and i am actually happy being single - i just thought he was the one - classic - I really did, its hurt for months how its declined.

OP posts:

LittleGreenDragons · 01/08/2024 23:58

i've never been one for the bagging up and throwing out like trash,
Do you have a shed or garage you could put his stuff in? I can understand not wanting to dump his belongings on the drive, possibly in the rain, but you do need them out of your house, then change your locks so he can't enter your property.

A lot of people recommend The Freedom Programme to help with relationship boundaries, otherwise try asking your GP to signpost you for a short counselling course.

SecretSolo · 01/08/2024 23:58

Leader, I honestly think the best advice is to change your locks and drop his stuff at the house he owns. It's kinder to you and kinder to him. You could end up resorting to other measures to get rid of him otherwise which would be unkind to both of you.

They are obviously still friends and you owe him nothing. If you did that, you could be rid of him by lunchtime. Call in sick from work if you need to, this will make you ill if you don't deal with it.

Be your own best friend. I believe in you.

PeachBear · 02/08/2024 00:10

Gambling, addiction, lies and cheating, and YOU feel mean for bagging up his stuff and throwing him out 🤔

Sigh. I hope you realise that you deserve much better than this weirdo.

TeaGinandFags · 02/08/2024 09:39

The ladies above are right.

Think of it from his point of view, why would he leave a comfortable berth?

Kick him out and make him responsible for his stuff. Check the forecast and put his stuff, in bin bags if necessary, out by the gate. Just change the locks first, it's an easy job. And don't let him on for whatever reason.

If he rants and raves dial 999 and let them listen in. You'll be fine.

MonsteraMama · 02/08/2024 09:52

He's a piece of shit my love, so absolutely remove from your mind any concern about putting him in a difficult position or hurting his feelings. Think about it like this - if it were his house and he wanted you out, do you think he'd pussyfoot around it like this? Or do you think he'd chuck you out on your arse without a second thought? Do please match his energy.

I have a pal who was in a similar situation. Bit of a pushover and had tried to end it multiple times but he would just stick around until she caved in - so obviously because she caved every time he knew if he just refused to leave she'd never have the cojones to kick him out.

With help from her friends she told him he needed to leave, put it in writing so there could be no argument, and informed him the police would be called if he didn't vacate. He thought he was cleverly calling her bluff as usual, but when she got home from work and he was still there she gave him one last chance to get gone, then she did phone the police.

They assisted in getting him out of the house, her and her brothers bagged up all his shit and sent it to his mother's (you might send his crap to his ex's house). Changed her locks and felt a damn sight more relaxed in her own home than she had for months.

Unfortunately you'll get nowhere by trying to be nice to this man. "Polish your spine" as they say and tell him to get the fuck out of your house.