Is he unreasonable or am I?

[Staywildandwander]

DH has said that he isn’t willing to continue our life as we are. I have said that we are in a time of our lives that is full on and stressful and it will get easier.

We have 1 child (1) together and I have 2 children from a previous marriage who live with us 5/6 out of 7 days however these days away change as ex works shifts so we work around him. DH relationship with kids is fantastic they adore each other (or did). There is some tension now as they are always with us.

DH says that I do too much, kids do too much and I don’t prioritise him/our time together or see the importance of our marriage.

We have a lot on between us, kids do their sport 3 nights a week and Sundays, I’m out 3 nights a week with a hobby (that I get paid for) and DH gyms. On the evenings we have together he complains that I don’t want to do anything/ watch tv or just fall asleep.

My argument is that although we are all busy I end up picking up the majority of the housework and cooking and essentially I’m just shattered either physically or emotionally from the mental load.

However…. I work long hours and DH picks up a lot of the activities far more than their dad. The kids choose to spend more time with us so ex has a lot of free time which DH thinks kids should go there. I definitely have under-appreciated him for this and expected him to pick up the slack whereas this isn’t his job.

The addition of baby 3 has (I think) put me in survival mode. I had severe PND for over 3 years after baby 2 and suffered moderately with baby 3 which has really shook me. I feel like I really need to prioritise the kids because in my head I let them down when they were young. It sounds silly writing it down but that’s how I feel sometimes.

However these conversations with DH have brought back really rubbish feelings as ex has said to mutual friends that the reason he left me was because I was a terrible wife but good mum. What if I am a terrible wife and I’m making the same mistakes over again?

I can’t help but prioritise the kids. What is the happy medium and why can’t I find it???

"My argument is that although we are all busy I end up picking up the majority of the housework and cooking and essentially I’m just shattered either physically or emotionally from the mental load."

Then tell him if he really wants things to change, he has to do his share and pick up some of those jobs. Don't let him talk you out of it by saying you "don't appreciate" the things he does do. The bottom line is he doesn't do enough.

Your kids live with you for the most part and you work long hours, so he must either accept that he has to do some of the parenting or decide he can't accept it and leave. There is no option of somehow forcing your ex to do his part. You can tell him he needs to do more, but if he refuses, there's nothing you can do.

Tbh your partner sounds like a typical whiny, selfish man who demands "appreciation" for everything he does, even though you are doing far more and he does not appreciate you.
If by saying he isn't willing to continue as you are he is threatening to leave in order to manipulate you, that's emotional abuse. Don't tolerate it. Tell him you are not willing to continue to be a domestic slave either.

He’s said he’s not happy so whether he’s right or wrong that’s how he feels and it won’t improve by you ignoring it or minimising his feelings.

If part of the problem is him picking up a disproportionate amount of stuff for your kids while you do your hobby then maybe the hobby needs to be cut down or go. You keep saying you’re prioritising the kids but it sounds like you’re hardly there.

While I can see that you want to put the kids first, you do also need to look after you and your relationship. It sounds like you have very little down time. Can you afford a cleaner to take some of the slack? And I think your ex does noid to do more so you can have some more free time.

It depends how old the children are and how dependent they are. For example, if they're old enough you can divvy up the chores, let them take public transport etc Obviously you can't do that if they're tiny.

I think there are two issues here. First, not spending enough quality time together. He obviously wants more time with you. Secondly, you doing too much.

Quality time depends on how old the children are and whether you have any support. For example, dropping them off at the cinema while you have a drink or organising a babysitter while you go out for dinner.

Regarding running the house you need to share the load. If the children are old enough give them responsibilities such as washing up, cooking, laundry etc You also need to organise a rota with your husband so he takes on a lot more.

He may need to do more at home but he shouldn't really be doing more running about for your children than their Dad.

Your ex should be doing the running around picking them up and taking them to hobbies

OP can the kids’ father not do more for his kids to free up a little time?
the thing is, if both your ex and DH have the same opinion of both marriages then you’re the constant in the situation.

i know that hobbies are important but are you able to cut down to make time for your husband at least? Anyone can say your husband is whinny etc but I paid attention when you said history was repeating itself.
Don’t let your ex get away with not doing what he should for your kids. It’s impacting on your marriage so he should do his part. It’s ok for him to go telling everyone and their fairy godmother that you’re a good mum but not a good wife but he won’t do his part.

Get help for the PND if it’s still there, ask your ex to do his part, get therapy or listen to podcasts for any mum guilt you might feel and find a middle ground with your husband. I’m sure you won’t forgive yourself if things go the way your first marriage went with this one.

He’s telling you things aren’t working for him, so if you want the relationship to work then you need to listen.

Sit down together and go through family life, looking at where changes can be made. Find compromise together. Be prepared to make changes, as long as he is too.

and yes, ask exH to help more with getting the kids to activities.

things will only improve if you both put in effort.

Ex can take them to sports (4 times a week is a lot though!) How often does he gym? I think if you can arrange proper days and times for children to see ex and the responsibilities he needs to have. Then when you hobby dh can gym but could you drop it to twice a week? Then have a night for you both?

It does sound a tad unfair that dh is ending up carrying his step children so much extra while their real dad has loads of free time to himself, just because the kids prefer to be at yours more. Is there a particular reason that they don't want to spend time with their dad? Could you encourage them to do so, maybe tell them that it's necessary if they want to continue their activities so often.

TBH I am not surprised that he feels neglected and taken advantage. Far too much stuff going on in the house. 3 lots of kids clubs, 3 nights a week with a hobby and no time for him. Get kids dad involved and work out whether your husband or you hobby is more important, before he goes.

I'd be furious if I were him. You're off at your hobby and the actual father of the children has plenty of free time because your poor mug of a DH has been picking up the slack like unpaid staff. He's too good to you.

Your hobbies may be paid, but you have a job it sounds like you put many hours in. We are in the crazy busy phase with 3 dc, one not yet at school, and kids sports out our ears. I would say to my dh if he did 3 nights a week for a paid hobby, I don’t care that it makes money. We are exhausted and life is jam packed. We work x hours/days each, there is no time for 3 nights a week at a hobby whether you earn money or not from it.

Exactly what you said in your op really - you’re ina time of your life where it’s full on and stressful. Don’t make the thing you drop in this period each other, there will be time for hobbies later.
think of it this way, if he leaves you, who will be running your dc around to things? Two of them aren’t his. How much time will you have then?

It does sound like you do a lot between you and have very little time for your relationship. It also seems like he is a good man who has taken on a lot for your children, when their dad hasn’t. I’m normally pretty critical of moaning men but I think you should listen to him and try and carve out some space for your relationship, whether that’s having their dad step up more or dropping some of your hobby nights.

Throw put guilt about the previous marriage. Its not useful.

But do listen to your current dh. You need to prioritize your romantic relationship if it is to last—and Ideally you plan to be married to him for a long time and even after all the kids are grown.

If you can: get the older children to stay more with their dad or try to get him to pitch in more. Try to let go if some stuff and focus on your current dh. Do you ever have dedicated time alone? Can you find a way to reignite intimacy (I don’t mean sex but just closeness?) its easy to end up like ships passing in the night otherwise.

I think you're getting quite an unfair bashing here.
Your DH knew what he was letting himself in for.

You work long hours and you have a baby!!

He needs to man-up.

You must be exhausted.

Agree with most PP - unless the paid hobby provides vital funds, it would be best to drop it as you are doing too much. Obviously your DCs are your first priority but you don’t seem to be making any time at all for your DH who sounds completely neglected in all of this.

He deserves more than 1 evening a week of your attention.

It sounds like he is last on your list. And it's a pretty shit last.

Why do you all need so many busy evenings?

I have 4 kids. They could only do 1 extra curricular day a week. I did none until they were independent. I now do 3 but I finish work early and I'm back for supper.

I don’t think it’s unfair. What’s unfair is her expectation of the current husband to pick up the slack for the other kids while their father has lots of free time.
so he will walk away from the marriage and find somewhere where he’s more appreciated.
Relationships (marriages too) are meant to be watered and nurtured. OP isn’t doing much of that as she has bitten more than she can chew.

I don’t think it’s unfair. What’s unfair is her expectation of the current husband to pick up the slack for the other kids while their father has lots of free time.
so he will walk away from the marriage and find somewhere where he’s more appreciated.
Relationships (marriages too) are meant to be watered and nurtured. OP isn’t doing much of that as she has bitten more than she can chew.

I feel sorry for your DH. He’s running around with your kids, while you and your ex pursue hobbies/free time.

Meanwhile, you’ve no time or energy for your DH.

Something needs to change, or he will probably end up leaving you to it.

Probably more productive to be practical and pragmatic now than dwell on things. I see every reason to make changes to reduce the load for everyone in your home and make quick wins.

Household work and chores need to be efficient and take as little time as possible. Kids where possible must join in to help. All adults take part and lowering the bar a little, possibly? Clearing clutter to get rid of lots of stuff to manage, clear and organize is important to carve back time in to rest and relax.

Not sure what your bedtime routine is but at a certain point all kids need to be upstairs, in bed and leaving you and your DH to have adult time. Long meals and cooking for kids need to be shelved until there is some balance restored in your home.

A previous poster said it's unrealistic to your ex will do more but it is not unreasonable to ask. This has to happen.

I think it is unreasonable for you to be out of the house 3 nights a week to do a hobby at this time (even if it is paid). There isn't enough flexibility in your lifestyle with such a young family for this. Sorry. Your DH should do more housework and you should both be setting a goal for there to be less of it to do overall. I also think your kids do too many activity and hobbies, simply for the reason you are heading for burnout and your marriage is suffering. The priority is keeping your family together and well, and clubs and activities are not helping you here.

It looks like there's too much going on. The DCs have 4 days a week of hobbies, and you have 3. You don't have time for a relationship too. If you want to keep the relationship, you need to sit down and look at what you can cut. Maybe you do your hobby 2 nights a week instead of 3, maybe the DCs do 3 hobby days instead of 4. But you do need to prioritise your relationship more if you want it.

When I prioritized my child over my husband and it was his child too and we ended getting divorced because we didn’t make time or prioritize each other. If I meet anyone again that I settle down with I won’t make that mistake again. There’s a happy medium to be had in whatever way can be agreed upon.