Is he unreasonable or am I?

[Staywildandwander]

DH has said that he isn’t willing to continue our life as we are. I have said that we are in a time of our lives that is full on and stressful and it will get easier.

We have 1 child (1) together and I have 2 children from a previous marriage who live with us 5/6 out of 7 days however these days away change as ex works shifts so we work around him. DH relationship with kids is fantastic they adore each other (or did). There is some tension now as they are always with us.

DH says that I do too much, kids do too much and I don’t prioritise him/our time together or see the importance of our marriage.

We have a lot on between us, kids do their sport 3 nights a week and Sundays, I’m out 3 nights a week with a hobby (that I get paid for) and DH gyms. On the evenings we have together he complains that I don’t want to do anything/ watch tv or just fall asleep.

My argument is that although we are all busy I end up picking up the majority of the housework and cooking and essentially I’m just shattered either physically or emotionally from the mental load.

However…. I work long hours and DH picks up a lot of the activities far more than their dad. The kids choose to spend more time with us so ex has a lot of free time which DH thinks kids should go there. I definitely have under-appreciated him for this and expected him to pick up the slack whereas this isn’t his job.

The addition of baby 3 has (I think) put me in survival mode. I had severe PND for over 3 years after baby 2 and suffered moderately with baby 3 which has really shook me. I feel like I really need to prioritise the kids because in my head I let them down when they were young. It sounds silly writing it down but that’s how I feel sometimes.

However these conversations with DH have brought back really rubbish feelings as ex has said to mutual friends that the reason he left me was because I was a terrible wife but good mum. What if I am a terrible wife and I’m making the same mistakes over again?

I can’t help but prioritise the kids. What is the happy medium and why can’t I find it???

So if a woman came on here upset because her husband spends no time with her, only wants to sit in front of the TV, goes to a hobby three nights a week even though they have three small children, and expects her to do all the running around for her step children while their actual mother does nothing you'd be telling her to woman up because she knew what she was getting into I presume?

kids do their sport 3 nights a week and Sundays, I’m out 3 nights a week with a hobby (that I get paid for) and DH gyms. On the evenings we have together he complains that I don’t want to do anything/ watch tv or just fall asleep.
I'm amazed that you have any evenings at all that you spend together.
I'd also be pissed off if I only saw my dp occasionally and he then never did anything and fell asleep.
If the kids' dad took them to sport, that would free you up another evening or three. You could join your dh in the gym. You could cut back one night on the hobby. It being paid for makes no difference to your dh. He'd probably rather have a few pounds less family money and a bit of fun with his wife.

I feel like I really need to prioritise the kids because in my head I let them down when they were young. It sounds silly writing it down but that’s how I feel sometimes. I can’t help but prioritise the kids.
You know that it's silly, so have you worked on this issue? Got therapy, read books, listened to podcasts, sat down and thought deeply about how to deal with your overcompensation for something you couldn't even help in the first place? Your dh has warned you that he's not happy. If you want your partner to be happy, you can't just throw your hands up in the air and say "I can't help putting you last".

What if I am a terrible wife
You make this sound like a permanent character trait, which is not very helpful. What if you're simply not behaving like a particularly great partner at the moment, so need to work on it?

Why don't the kids want to spend time with their dad? Is there a good reason? If it is just to avoid switching places so often, they may not realise that they are missing out on building a relationship with him. Encouraging that relationship would make you a good mum.

Thanks for all the comments.

The big kids are 8 and 10 and do help with tasks around the house (cleaning bedrooms, dishwasher, recycling etc)

Their dad left when I was pregnant and he didn’t see them for 3 years so I think they’ve found it hard to stay for longer than 2 nights with him without missing me/home. All their friends are local and they like to play out with them. I wouldn’t ever stop them from going but perhaps I should be more encouraging. I just don’t want them to feel I’m pushing them away particularly with the baby now. I will speak to him and explain he needs to help with clubs etc (I’m not sure if he will just blame his job as to why he can’t)

We need the extra cash for nice things. Our wages are taken by mortgage and childcare bills as they will all go to a childminder full time (big kids always have). I have school holidays off so we spend all that time together- I work hard during term time so I don’t need to bring anything else home and can have the holidays work free. I’m always home to pick them up from the childminder.

I know DH is a diamond for the things he does with the big kids. He did know exactly what I am like in terms of busy life before we got together but like somebody said it doesn’t minimise the way he is feeling now and I know I need to do something to keep us both happy.

I feel like when I try to get the balance right it doesn’t last, I get frustrated at different things to him.

This is his point exactly which I totally understand. Whilst I’ve been in the thick of it and fogginess with PND he really has done all he can with the big 2 and I have completely under appreciated him for that.

I think working fulltime and having 3 DC, one of them a baby, means that spending 3 evenings a week doing a hobby is a bit excessive, even if it is paid. Presumably DH looks after the children then, and goes to the gym either later or on a different day.
I'm really surprised to hear that you haven't even asked the ex to take the children to their hobbies at least some of the time. If he can't do so after work, maybe he could at the weekend, or maybe you need to rejig the hobbies so that they go on different days, or liftshare with friends. Maybe you can cut back on your hobby to one or two days a week.
But you need to do something.

It does sound like there is a lot going on. Ignore your ex's comments about being a "bad wife", but at the same time I think you do need to sit down with DH and talk about what could change to make things easier for both of you.

If you want your kids to be happy and have good relationships as adults, where they feel valued, appreciated and loved, then the best thing you can do for them is show them a family where you and your partner both feel valued, appreciated and loved. My heart goes out to you and your DH as you sound like such a lovely family, all trying to do the right thing. While it must have been hard to hear this from your DH, it's great that he has told you how he feels now when you have the chance to really make changes. I am divorced after having been very inflexible when my children were younger about the way things "had to" be done. The divorce was for other reasons, but looking back now, I can see how much my inflexible prioritisation of the kids over BOTH adults really harmed both our relationship, and our enjoyment of life. Similar things happened to close friends of mine. It was a wake-up call for me when my then 10 - or 12- year old said he wasn't going to have kids because "If I do it, I'd want to do it properly like you do, mum, and it's too much work". I was ferrying my kids round to sports classes most evenings, and never having an evening off. What it was teaching them was that parenthood was a slog of martyrdom. A wise friend told me to limit the evening classes the children attended, because it can really exhaust a family.

You haven't mentioned sex and of course you may well not want to discuss that, but all those busy evenings may leave little time for it. It is common for men to feel that physical intimacy is how they really connect in a relationship, and to feel intensely unappreciated and unloved if that takes a low priority, but a mother with young kids understandably just doesn't fancy it much. Many couples don't know about responsive desire and how women typically need to be "warmed up" by feeling appreciated throughout the day and then some thoughtful care and massage etc to stoke the fires, before she will actually feel desire - rather than raring to go out of the gate like many men, or a young woman with no cares!

I'd really like to recommend these articles:
Treat your partner as well as you treat your kids

When you treat the kids better than you treat your partner

This may not be relevant for you, but just in case: When women consider physical touch to be a less real or important love language

I'm a big fan of Dr Whiten (aka Dr Psych Mom) because she really understands the difficulty of keeping a relationship thriving with young kids, blended families, and she's also good at putting typical male and female viewpoints in a way the other can understand. Also she swears and jokes in her podcasts.

We need the extra cash for nice things. Our wages are taken by mortgage and childcare bills as they will all go to a childminder full time (big kids always have).
When you say "nice things", do you mean possessions or having a nice time together?
Could you reduce the childcare if your ex did more? Would he be up for that?
You've had a lot to do with your youngest and it's no surprise that things have got chaotic, but fortunately your dh has got through to you now that the balance is not working. You still have the chance to find a solution.

You need to look after your own kids. It's not a case of being "busy", you're choosing to a hobby instead of parenting them. Then maybe your DH will have more time to do more housework.

I think your husband is right.
When do they have time for schoolwork if they are out 3 nights plus a Sunday?
Being able to entertain yourself is an important life skill too.
Go back to the drawing board and let their Dad do more. It’s not about pushing the kids out it’s about healthy balance

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Thank you for the reading material. I will definitely look into those.

We are intimate a lot more than other couples we speak to however sometimes as you say I like to feel a ‘connection’ that day (for lack of a better term) and sometimes it is just a quicky and not as loving as it once was.

I’m well aware that at this moment in time we have slightly different needs but I am hoping that this will resolve itself as I’ve been on some contraception that absolutely did not work for me. And the tiredness!!

We are both on the same page where we value time together as a family so this year for Christmas we did 12 months of family dates which probably cost more than presents but it has kept us going throughout the year and has meant we’ve slowed down and spent quality time together. We also love holidays so
we save for that too.

However kids are growing, food shop is bigger, clothes and shoes are needed etc. I know I’m not alone in this but our wages don’t go as far.

Ex works long days and lives a little bit away from us so isn’t entirely conducive for school days but will when shifts allow do some pickups.

I was a single parent for a few years before DH came along. I didn’t go out when they were little I didn’t have anything for myself. We agreed that I could hobby which has turned into paid work because I genuinely feel like it makes me a better person. I’m in fresh air I’m exercising I’m doing something that’s mine. I’m a lot nicer 🤣 however I think like a lot of people have said we need to revisit (or I need to revisit) our priorities as a family and as a couple because I’m not getting it right.

Unfortunately being a parent does mean you have less for yourself and you make sacrifices. Why are sports 4 times a week? That's excessive. Can they reduce it to twice and go with a friend's parents once a week and you take them and a friend the next week?
Money doesn't go far but maybe you could look at things that don't cost much. You say you like being out in the fresh air so you could go geocaching, foraging, have a picnic, instead of going to the cinema rent a film and make popcorn, instead of a restaurant light candles and get a takeaway or make something special together, time together is more valuable than nice things

Ex works long days and lives a little bit away from us so isn’t entirely conducive for school days but will when shifts allow do some pickups.
can you only pick the children up and drop then off when shifts allow? Or do yoy have to make them fit? Or arrange childcare? Give him set days, and more of them, and he can make it work like the rest if the parents