Dreadful parents, can we talk please? Content warning - added by MNHQ

[HarlotOTara]

My father sexually abused me starting when I was 12. Told me the bollocks of not telling anyone in case he went to prison. I loved him so didn’t, I also thought I was protecting my family. My mother was always horrid to me and, much as I hate using these terms, was quite narcissistic. She still is. I told my mother what happened when I was 32. She was really angry and has never forgiven me. I stopped seeing my father for many years, had loads of therapy, made a sort of peace with what happened. I made a decision to make contact 6 months before he died of cancer. I am glad I did it and did address the shit that has affected my life and we made a sort of peace.

In all that time I continued to see my mother although it wasn’t an easy relationship, she chose to stay with my father and blamed me - although she never outwardly said this (has recently). I knew she did. Lots of FOG on my part but at a level I accepted.

She has been quite awful to me at times but I have continued to do duty visits. She is a very bitter woman with no real friends.

She isn’t well and I have arranged a GP appointment which she agreed to. Today she accidentally rang me whilst talking to my brother and was so nasty that I was shaking whilst listening to the conversation. I don’t think I have ever liked her and would say I don’t really love her as she was appalling to me as a child. She thinks my brother is the bees knees although he is also damaged by my parents.

However, I feel so upset after hearing this conversation. I suppose it is hard to believe a mother could be so nasty to a child. I have children and a lovely husband (thankfully). I find it hard to imagine how someone can be so nasty.

can anyone relate or give a point of view?

Oh mate I'm so sorry. If you can, please see a therapist. I would honestly cut all contact with your family, and use your energy for something worthy of you- healing yourself. I hope your father is rotting in hell. You deserved none of this. Concentrate on yourself and your own real family, your children and your husband ❤️

Was she being nasty about you to your brother?

I think distance will give you more peace. Why were you calling her? Could you call less often?

I'm so sorry.

Unfortunately I don't think anyone will be able to offer you an explanation as to why your mother was and is so vile to you. If there's anyone lurking around on this site who is (or has been) abusive to their children (sadly statistically likely) they're either too lost in their own bullshit to realise they're abusive or would vehemently deny it if asked. I think there's precious few abusers who would come out and say "yeah I hate my child, I'm awful to them and here's why".

I would in your shoes genuinely consider just cutting contact with her and focusing on the family you've made. She brings nothing positive to your life and you're honestly not obligated to her. Set yourself free and give yourself peace.

Yes she was talking to my brother

She accidentally called me. She is 88

Sending love and hugs to you, OP. You are a strong person for making some sort of peace with a man who robbed you of your innocence and childhood.

As for your mother, I have no words. Is it possible to leave her to the community caregivers and step away - even if for 6 months while you continue to heal?

Tour parents should have gone to prison. BOTH of them. I am so sorry you are having to deal with her.

I think you need counselling to help you decide if cutting them out will be more beneficial to you

Sounds very familiar OP - I used to end up shaking or even vomiting after calls with my mother/stepmother. The Stately Homes thread on here is full of us.

Oh thank you for your messages.

I have had loads of therapy which has helped me enormously. I suppose listening to the accidental phone call was more painful than I expected and has hurt enormously - I am surprised by it all as I thought I had become immune.

i think she is a festering cunt

I don't know why you bother with her tbh.

I just wanted to send hugs and understanding although I don’t have an answer. I posted a similar thread on the divorce page as my (now elderly) mother treats me the same and has sided with my ex who has been found guilty of abuse and has a restraining order against me. Somehow I am still to blame and it’s me who’s brought shame. I know everyone will say go NC and it certainly does help with my ex and his abuse, but I can’t quite manage it with my mother. I suppose I still want to hope that it can be mended, that she’ll realise the pain, she’ll say sorry, we can get along like mothers and daughters should…. I live in hope but I also want to know why… why do these mothers treat us with such contempt and disdain, why in your case didn’t she protect you and believe you. I’m so sorry OP, I wish I had the answer on how to get these demons to rest.

That's so awful op. So sorry this happened to you.
She was angry with you? My god.
You need to cut all contact.
Protect yourself.

What is holding you back from cutting all contact?

What are you trying to achieve with your conciliatory approach?

What do you think you stand to lose by washing your hands of this toxic woman?

Worked in a lot of roles with children who've been abused, adults who've been abused, and specifically with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

It will never cease to shock and frighten me as to how cruel some people can be, and how incredibly strong survivors are.

If she’s 88 then you have had many years (too many) of her nasty behaviour. I would let that “lovely” brother of yours be responsible for dealing with her now. You’ve probably put up with quite enough of her nonsense.

There’s nothing you can do. That’s not calming, but it is important to accept. That way you can think about the future.

After the anger comes the horrible empty realisation that you’ll never have a mother, the real mum you haven’t met. Scary.

You've done so well to get where you are. Is it a good thing for anyone to have this birth parent in your life? How will you feel
when she’s dead (don’t hold your breath)?

How big a thing do you want this to be in your life? Take 6 months out from contact to decide.

What happened to you here in your childhood was not your fault, this is all on your parents.

It is not possible to have a relationship with your mother, a person that disordered of thinking. You have been both trained and conditioned by her to put her needs first with your own dead last. Hence your duty visits now, you remain mired in a fear obligation and guilt state. Drop the rope she holds out to you, this is enough she is and she is not going to change. You need to let go of any hope that she will change and or say sorry: that only happens in films.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Again it is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

@Podperfect, you get it.

if my mother was younger I would disengage but believe me I do the minimum. For my own sake I need to make sure she is safe. The trouble with family is that there is a push me-pull you thing that goes on.

Since my father died I am grieving what I never had. He was actually a better parent until he abused me and that is something I spoke to him about.

@Supersimkin7 I am sort of coming to the realisation that I will never have a mother who loves me. I realise that her behaviour made me feel unloveable although I am loved by my husband and children.

In all honesty, I wish she was dead (I then think God don’t strike me dead, and I don’t believe in God). I visited some months ago and couldn’t find her in the house, when she appeared I was disappointed. However I do understand these things are so complex so who knows how I will feel. If I feel I need therapy I will definitely do so.

i am just wondering who feels similar really.

A therapist once told me that it didn’t matter what I did my mum would never love me any more than she did. I was shaken by this but realised it was true. Once I accepted it it was almost a weight off my shoulders. I realised it wasn’t me. That whatever I did to try and be the perfect daughter it would never be enough. I just stopped caring and withdrew. Only replied when she contacted me. It did give me some sort of closure.

It’s not your responsibility to make sure she is safe, that’s your fear, obligation and guilt talking. Three damaging buttons she installed in you. She’s never had any interest in making you feel safe or making you feel believed, it’s been all about her and her needs. She will keep on throwing you under the bus.

Very gently - please seek therapy.

Your ability to sense and judge what acceptable behaviour by a parent consists of has been comprehensively compromised, and you are clearly lost in the FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt - that keeps you enmeshed.

I understand this, OP. My father did not physically abuse me but was emotionally very inappropriate towards me from a very young age. My mother was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to me also from a very young age.

After I married she wrote to me to acknowledge she wasn’t a good mother but said she couldn’t forgive me for trying to “seduce” my father and take him from her.

when I was pregnant with my first child she wrote “anonymously” (it was obvious who sent it) to my husband to say the baby wasn’t his.

she basically not only never loved me, she actively hated me.

I eventually ceased contact after my daughter (3rd child) was born after another episode of utter vileness from her. I realised I couldn’t allow her to have access to my daughter.

my daughter is nearly 13 now. I don’t regret cutting contact but I do still feel sad that I never really had a mother.

I am lucky in that my siblings took my side. They all have very low-contact relationships with my parents. So I don’t feel totally alone.

I don’t think you ever fully heal from this unfortunately. I have suffered from appalling mental health throughout my life and, eventually, alcoholism as well and hit total rock bottom in my mid 40s.

But I’ve been sober for 5 years now and found doing the 12 steps the most healing process - much more effective than the years of therapy and counselling I’ve had in the past.

i know choosing to cut contact is not an easy step to take and you have to do what is right for you. But you do not owe this woman anything, you really don’t.

I'm so sorry, it all sounds horrible. You don't need her in your life if she's behaving like that. Sounds like shes never had your back.

We're currently dealing with some stuff that's coming to the surface about my in laws. My husband is just recentluly waking up to the fact that he has been abused his whole life, and other stuff keeps coming to light. It's so hard to deal with, lots of trauma and hopefully healing to come