Dreadful parents, can we talk please? Content warning - added by MNHQ

[HarlotOTara]

My father sexually abused me starting when I was 12. Told me the bollocks of not telling anyone in case he went to prison. I loved him so didn’t, I also thought I was protecting my family. My mother was always horrid to me and, much as I hate using these terms, was quite narcissistic. She still is. I told my mother what happened when I was 32. She was really angry and has never forgiven me. I stopped seeing my father for many years, had loads of therapy, made a sort of peace with what happened. I made a decision to make contact 6 months before he died of cancer. I am glad I did it and did address the shit that has affected my life and we made a sort of peace.

In all that time I continued to see my mother although it wasn’t an easy relationship, she chose to stay with my father and blamed me - although she never outwardly said this (has recently). I knew she did. Lots of FOG on my part but at a level I accepted.

She has been quite awful to me at times but I have continued to do duty visits. She is a very bitter woman with no real friends.

She isn’t well and I have arranged a GP appointment which she agreed to. Today she accidentally rang me whilst talking to my brother and was so nasty that I was shaking whilst listening to the conversation. I don’t think I have ever liked her and would say I don’t really love her as she was appalling to me as a child. She thinks my brother is the bees knees although he is also damaged by my parents.

However, I feel so upset after hearing this conversation. I suppose it is hard to believe a mother could be so nasty to a child. I have children and a lovely husband (thankfully). I find it hard to imagine how someone can be so nasty.

can anyone relate or give a point of view?

Same here - just learning the truth about what went on in my DH family including sexual abuse and a long history of lies and coverups. It's very disturbing.

OP I am so sorry you experienced this and you sound like a real survivor. I am so happy you have found some peace in your life. Keep taking time for yourself whenever you can.

Don't do anything for her...leave her to her own devices

So sorry to hear what you have been through

It’s ok to feel as you do. It’s ok to be sad.

It’s also ok to continue with LC, if that’s what you want, particularly given her age.

Going NC has its own issues. You can make the call yourself, which works best for you- totally NC or just LC.

This.I went NC with both my parents.Dad was not allowed near children legally and my mum a toxic horror.Its a very hard thing to do but for me ultimately the guilt and pain of going NC outweighed how awful it was having them in my lives.Only you can decide how that weighs up for you.
Don't feel guilty about wishing her dead.I never cried when my mum died and felt relieved.I refuse to feel guilty about that.My dad's death took a good therapist though.I still felt relief but needed help with that.

Thank you for all your messages. It is a relief that some of you can acknowledge the difficulties of having abusive parents and that NC can be harder. It is so complex and there are no easy solutions.
I took my mother to the agreed GP appointment yesterday and then had to wait for a prescription. For my own sake I told her how much the phone call I heard upset me. She of course couldn’t remember it, same old shit. Stating my view was helpful I think.

She is a broken record and said I was never close to her. True, I realised as a child not to ever confide as whatever I said would be then used to hurt me. I asked her who was the parent and who was the child when I was a child (get my drift). She gets stuck then, as to admit her fault or responsibility is too much to think about.

I think I am grieving, and maybe have been since my father died. I watch people I know and see the relationships between parents and children and I am sad for what I never had. I am trying to make sense of it all but then maybe I never will. I want to be free of it all, I really do, but an aged, sad and lonely woman is possibly a bridge too far at the moment.

I have a good life in many ways and have worked hard not to be a parent like mine. My children come to me when sad, and know I will always love and support them. They are not an extension of me.

I have had lots of therapy and probably wouldn’t be as ‘sane’ as I am without it. I will have more if it feels time to do so.

thank you for telling me your own experiences, it helps.

It gets easier. I have been on this path a long time. You get used to the idea and start to see it just as a situation to navigate rather than an ongoing loss.

It’s about fully accepting who she is, rather than who you want her to be. She is not the mum you want. 💐

There's one thing to remember in all this is that our parents are the product of their upbringing, good , bad or indifferent. I know some people manage to at least try to be a better parent but many don't have the awareness or the skills. Accepting things as they are and making your life as good as it can be is possibly a way forward.

I do realise my mother is a product of her upbringing, as was my father. I know my mother’s history very well as she has told me many, many times. Sometimes I feel compassion but she has wounded me so much it is hard to stay with that.

I hope to God the cycle has stopped with me

Ha! I recognise that hope!

For me, I think it has, mostly. I sometimes worry I’m unrepresented because I’m so careful not being my mum that I haven’t worked out who ‘me’ is!

I do see mum in my siblings and wonder at how unaware they are, so who can really say! 😁

We can only hope @KeirSpoutsTwaddle 😊