Am I broken?

[nougatcougar]

I've just started seeing someone new - met on Hinge about 3 weeks ago, met irl last weds, second date last Sunday, that's it so far.
First date went quite well, felt he was quite promising, though a bit uncomfortable as he insisted on paying for cocktails and dinner, which i reluctantly went along with as he'd picked a very pricy cocktail bar then ordered much more than me at dinner. Kiss at the end, which was ok
Second date nice long walk and lunch on the way, outdoor cinema in late afternoon. Paid for one each.
After the cinema we have drinks and it becomes a lot of staring lovingly at me (actually was also at lunch), increasingly passionate kissing. At some point I feel a little uncomfortable, and squirm a bit when he's being loving and affectionate. It's our second date and though as a person he's good company and has LTR potential, it feels a bit "too much" this soon, I'm not there yet.

For context both about 50 and divorced with grown kids, i definitely do want a significant other but I've been on my own or in low key relationships only for years, and I'm quite self-sufficient. I'll need to grow fond of someone and gradually integrate them into my life, not "instant partner". He's looking for LTR too, but seems to want the instant thing, dropped hints about how he'd have liked a plus one for a wedding on Saturday, asked me if I'd told my friends about my new man. It's given me the ick a bit. Then texts me yesterday including:
"When am I seeing you next? I need to be kissing you some more and getting my hands on that hot body of yours" and now I have full ick.
I replied I'm free Friday but can we slow it down a bit? It takes me a while to develop feelings nd Your comment makes me think you are expecting more sooner.
Whole day passes then he says he doesn't expect sex soon but is sexually attracted and wants it to go that way ultimately.

But I can't get past it now, I was already a bit 🤔 because I could tell he was keener than I was, but because of my past propensity for falling for the emotionally unavailable type and getting hurt, I want to try to be different. So im angry with myself that when someone available comes along, I've basically gone very anxious and defensive.

I do like sex, a lot. With the right person im really keen, often. However it is almost a year since I met someone I wanted to have sex with, and a few years since I was dating and having a lot of (safe) sex, and enjoying it without overthinking it.
Is this a natural product of menopause (I recognise my increased sex drive was the start of perimenopause)?
Was he too full on with his "hands on my body" nonsense? And possibly more emotionally needy than I am?

Should I just write this off as "not compatible"?
I can't decide if I have attachment issues (I'm mostly avoidant but then find myself anxious-type when I find an avoidant partner) or I just meet people with attachment issues?

(Thanks if you got through that, it actually helped just to try to articulate it🤷‍♀️)

Sounds like he's skipped the getting to know you bit and gone straight for intimacy. I don't know many people who would be comfortable with that level of intimacy so soon unless there was serious chemistry.

You need to take control more here. If you weren't happy with an expensive bar then suggest somewhere you're more comfortable. I wouldn't meet someone on a first date for more than coffee and I wouldn't let someone pay loads of money on me either. It makes you feel beholden.

The hands on your body comment sounds sleazy and it's much too soon. It's not you, it's him.

You've said you want to take it slowly to him, so just do that. Don't stress or over think it until you've had at least one more date.
Then bin - if the attraction is lacking on your side.

OP, I would check that he accepts you want to slow down and, if he does, keep going for a while. If I felt he just wanted a shag, I would be put off completely. But if he’s just over-enthusiastic, settling into regular dates may calm him down.

"When am I seeing you next? I need to be kissing you some more and getting my hands on that hot body of yours"

Great, now I have the ick too 😂

Thank you, three differing but useful perspectives there. I did feel he was backtracking a bit after what was a sleazy comment.
I think I've been here before with someone - they have a clear idea of what the relationship they want looks like, you pass the interview and now lucky you, you're their girlfriend. They don't stop to observe what you might want. I find it hard to be clear in person and I do think you need to kiss someone to see if you like them, but I think when I'm the one pulling away first, ending the date first, not reciprocating on chat like "I keep thinking about your kiss" surely you wait for that person to catch up before you double down with talk about their body. I'm no prude it's just a "read the room dude" situation.
I thought he was a nice guy, quite gentlemanly but probably just not for me. He probably thinks this is what all women want and my attempt to clearly communicate hadn't gone down well at all.

It would be too much too soon for me and his comments about his hands on your body on the second date would have made me fringe so hard my vagina would have clamped shut.

Im a slow burn so I always want to take things slow. Im honest and upfront about that so if someone tries to push before I’m ready, then they’re not the right person for me.

I would agree with a PP about setting your boundaries. You don’t have to agree to where you have a date if that’s not somewhere you feel comfortable with. In fact most good men will make sure the woman either chooses the venue or ensure it’s somewhere she is happy with. And as for paying the bill - well again you don’t have to ‘reluctantly go along with’ - if you’re not comfortable then speak up. Dating is about two people not just what he wants.

Just read your update about him ‘thinking about your kiss’ - sorry but that’s so cringey cheesy and juvenile. I’d have to shut him down

Right? 🤣🤣 I thought it was just me. So cringe

Are you attracted to the man - loving gazes and hot body comment aside, could you imagine wanting sex with him at some point? Did you fancy him before he started being so full on?

If so, it MAY be worth giving him one more try - he might well tone it down after he gets used to the pace you want. My fella did quite a bit of OLD before he and I met, and he said a lot of women seem to like the relationship to move very quickly in emotional terms, use the L word really soon etc - if your bloke has found similar, he may just think he is doing what you want.....

If you still feel the same next time you see him tho, I would leave it. Plenty more fish in the sea. And it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. The heart wants what the heart wants.....

"When am I seeing you next? I need to be kissing you some more and getting my hands on that hot body of yours" and now I have full ick.

FIFTY YEARS OLD and he comes out with this?? I thought the ones my age were bad. Why do these men inflict themselves upon us?

Dump him from a great height.

Then texts me yesterday including:
"When am I seeing you next? I need to be kissing you some more and getting my hands on that hot body of yours" and now I have full ick.

Me too. I agree with pp that this is a him problem, not you.

Just because someone's not the right fit for you (like this guy!), doesn't automatically mean that there's something wrong with you that you need to change or fix.

Honestly the older ones are shocking. I’m 55 and after what was a really nice first date with a 59 year old man, he tried to pin me against the car park wall, shove his tongue down my throat and tell me he would be pleasuring himself later thinking about my tits.

There was not a second date

I agree it's much too soon. He isn't a hot blooded tennage boy but a mature man who should know better. He should be picking up signals from you but he isn't. I wouldn't take this any further. You are obviously very uncomfortable with his behaviour and that's not good.

but because of my past propensity for falling for the emotionally unavailable type and getting hurt, I want to try to be different

Often when we're trying to make a change we overcompensate at first and go too far in the opposite direction. I think trying to persevere with dating this guy falls into that category.

Recalibrate for the next person you meet.

You articulated that so perfectly

they have a clear idea of what the relationship they want looks like, you pass the interview and now lucky you, you're their girlfriend. They don't stop to observe what you might want.

that's exactly what he is doing and that's why it's putting you off. He's not reading the room, getting a vibe, getting to know you. He wants someone in his girlfriend shaped hole, you're attractive and you're nice, you'll do. No real interest in you or your wants/desires.

Trust your instincts, you're clearly emotionally intelligent and attuned.

All the sophistication of teenage boy 🤣

No there’s really not a 3 date rule and any man who disappears if they don’t get sex after 3 dates or what’s to push you before you’re ready isn’t worth having.

Ive had very successful relationships and never had sex very early on.

Sounds like he’s not reading the room. That could be because he’s inept, or he’s way more into you than you are to him, or he’s a pushy creep. Whichever it is, not compatible sounds right. His inability to read and respond appropriately to you is the biggest problem. There’s nothing wrong with you!!!

I met my DP on Hinge and we clicked instantly - it was even very exciting chatting to him before we met up. The sexual chemistry was there, but we were both very wary of showing it in case we freaked the other out! Because we’re not creeps.

It. Is. Not. You.

He's fucking dreadful. Ugh. I'm shuddering with revulsion.

Chuck this one back. He's already making you uncomfortable and you're under no obligation to keep seeing him. Way too much too soon and he's not listening to you.

Just reading your posts make me cringe. I think it's already been said - it's all about him but it's certainly not about you. You are a potential girlfriend (human blow up doll, maybe) to him, not a human being with desires, feelings, thoughts and opinions of your own. He's objectifying you. He could be the most handsome man in the world, but I couldn't fancy him.

It's a clumsy attempt to flirt, but yes. It reeks of the ick.

I'd not completely write him off yet but definitely get to know him a bit more at your pace.

Oh gosh I think I may have painted a worse picture, but that text was real and not a one of you has said you find it sexy and alluring 🤣 particularly not in the context. Thank you honest ladies, I think my friends are either similar to me or are lesbians who would find most things a man does creepy so it's really helpful to get an outside perspective.
I guess I'm quite complicated. I don't think standard wooing works well on me, and from what you said this isn't even very standard wooing

You sound a lot like me, and you just have to be comfortable with who you are and what feels right for you. Not let society brainwash you into what you should feel/do and how quickly.

I wouldn't feel comfortable kissing someone on first date, unless it's someone I've know for a good while. I just don't get instantly attracted to people, and I don't want to kiss someone I'm not attracted to. I tend to tell people beforehand I'm not a first date kisser and it's fine.

There's also this 'sex on third date' myth still making rounds. Yes, some people are comfortable separating sex from feelings and having sex with someone new fairly quickly, or feel attracted quickly. The quickest I've had sex with someone was 5th date - when I told a couple of my friends, they asked if I was playing hard to get. I need trust and comfort to enjoy sex (like you, i enjoy it very much, just has to feel right) - when it's there, it's amazing, when it's not, it can still be mechanically ok but I don't really relax and enjoy it. So again, sex is for your enjoyment, don't let social convention pressure you.

You can't change who you are and what feels right for you. Don't be forced into going along with things you don't enjoy. You're not a 16-year-old trying to lose your virginity and thus going along with anything - it can be hard to advocate for yourself at any age but at your age you know yourself better, work on the confidence to communicate your boundaries.

You're not broken, you're absolutely fine. Not everyone is the same, and it's nice that you're in touch with your wants and needs.

@ElleintheWoods

Totally with you. I’m not an instant spark sort of woman. When people talk about meeting someone for first time and wanting to rip their clothes off, I’ve never had that. I need to build a connection before I’m really attracted to someone. Once that connection is there though, I’m insatiable. Sex is on fire because it’s slowly built to that point

I’ve had a few relationships but it was as a month before I had sex with any of them.

If a man tried to rush me like this I’ve had with the OP - it would make me pull away.

The OP is absolutely fine to feel how she feels. And I agree this man got a gf shaped hole he’s trying to cram her in to.