Am I broken?

[nougatcougar]

I've just started seeing someone new - met on Hinge about 3 weeks ago, met irl last weds, second date last Sunday, that's it so far.
First date went quite well, felt he was quite promising, though a bit uncomfortable as he insisted on paying for cocktails and dinner, which i reluctantly went along with as he'd picked a very pricy cocktail bar then ordered much more than me at dinner. Kiss at the end, which was ok
Second date nice long walk and lunch on the way, outdoor cinema in late afternoon. Paid for one each.
After the cinema we have drinks and it becomes a lot of staring lovingly at me (actually was also at lunch), increasingly passionate kissing. At some point I feel a little uncomfortable, and squirm a bit when he's being loving and affectionate. It's our second date and though as a person he's good company and has LTR potential, it feels a bit "too much" this soon, I'm not there yet.

For context both about 50 and divorced with grown kids, i definitely do want a significant other but I've been on my own or in low key relationships only for years, and I'm quite self-sufficient. I'll need to grow fond of someone and gradually integrate them into my life, not "instant partner". He's looking for LTR too, but seems to want the instant thing, dropped hints about how he'd have liked a plus one for a wedding on Saturday, asked me if I'd told my friends about my new man. It's given me the ick a bit. Then texts me yesterday including:
"When am I seeing you next? I need to be kissing you some more and getting my hands on that hot body of yours" and now I have full ick.
I replied I'm free Friday but can we slow it down a bit? It takes me a while to develop feelings nd Your comment makes me think you are expecting more sooner.
Whole day passes then he says he doesn't expect sex soon but is sexually attracted and wants it to go that way ultimately.

But I can't get past it now, I was already a bit 🤔 because I could tell he was keener than I was, but because of my past propensity for falling for the emotionally unavailable type and getting hurt, I want to try to be different. So im angry with myself that when someone available comes along, I've basically gone very anxious and defensive.

I do like sex, a lot. With the right person im really keen, often. However it is almost a year since I met someone I wanted to have sex with, and a few years since I was dating and having a lot of (safe) sex, and enjoying it without overthinking it.
Is this a natural product of menopause (I recognise my increased sex drive was the start of perimenopause)?
Was he too full on with his "hands on my body" nonsense? And possibly more emotionally needy than I am?

Should I just write this off as "not compatible"?
I can't decide if I have attachment issues (I'm mostly avoidant but then find myself anxious-type when I find an avoidant partner) or I just meet people with attachment issues?

(Thanks if you got through that, it actually helped just to try to articulate it🤷‍♀️)

Same. I've never had that. I have had the 'oh they are very nice-looking' reaction to people, but it has been an objective assessment as opposed to feeling anything for them/ wanting to rip their clothes off.

The way I usually fall for people is being around them a good amount of time, lots of deep conversation, and suddently I get that feeling. 'Oh, wow, I love being around them' or 'I feel butterflies the moment I see them' type. That's when the sexual attraction starts building up to the point that I want to be with them.

I remember first time kissing someone where we both had fancied each other a long time but nothing had happened. After having experienced that kiss, I watched a few supposedly romantic film kisses, and thought 'no, I've had it better in real life'. It was simply unbelievable because we both really wanted it.

*

I tried OLD for a short period and actually met someone really great, and went on a few other good dates too. I told people how I was before so there weren't any issues/ anyone trying it on right away.

However what I quickly realised is that OLD isn't for me because people seem to want to follow that 'rules pattern' a lot and they act as though they are very invested very quickly. I'm not sure a stranger would go on 10 dates with me without getting anything and not thinking they've been friend zoned! But equally I feel uncomfortable in these types of scenarios:

Him: I'm very attracted to you/ really fancy you/ ...
Me: Oh, thank you!/Yes, me too (lie)/ Ok, sure, but how can you if you don't even know me?

I have pushed people who are too forward away because we simply wouldn't be compatible, I'd be too slow burn for them. Someone that's known me a few weeks and gets upset if I don't reply to their 'good morning' message right away or wants to start picturing a future together/ is intense in another way is only going to feel disappointed being with someone like me, unfortunately.

I want something that builds slow but has genuine foundations, and that's how my successful relationships have worked. I'm not about to become someone I'm not because 'dating has rules' and 'everyone does it'.

Listen to your instincts! Men who come on strong like this aren't as emotionally available as they like to think they are and present themselves as being. They get carried away with the excitement of the chase and honeymoon and then it all crumbles after a few months. I've absolutely made the mistake before of thinking I'm the one being too cold.. most recent ex said "I wish you would let me in" and encouraged me to open up and trust him, then broke my heart.. He never made creepy comments or pushed the physical side of things though, which made him a vast improvement on everyone who came before him 😩

He absolutely wanted an instant partner and my gut told me it was too soon for all the things he was saying but I got swept along by it. You're right not to be.

Well at least he's keen

Me too, ick by proxie. It's way to fast way too soon. My abusive XH was very much instant intimacy, I thought that was way too much and we were late teens at the time at which age it's a bit more understandable.

Perhaps he thinks he's bought you, so he thinks he can dictate the pace.

Whatever the reason, he's a complete turn-off.

He's paid for everything and he wants to be paid back. He's looking at you that way because he's after sex and believes that a bit of love bombing, flirting and flattery will get him everywhere. It's not surprising he's given you the ick. It would be a major red flag/turn off for me.