AIBU? friend cat-sitting having people to stay in our house...

[Onemoretimeround]

So I don't know if I'm being a bit uptight here.

A friend sometimes - like, once a year - catsits when we're away. We were away last weekend and she did so then, and we get notifications when people are at the door as we've ring cameras. We can see that over three nights she had two people to stay - not people we know well, I recognised one as a girl we know and another as her brother. It's fine but she never said a thing about other people staying in our house. She's quite an elusive, secretive character - big high flier in London who does drugs with lots of people (but also holds down a hugely responsible job somehow).

Is it ok to have people stay over and not say anything in these circumstances?

AIBU?

Apart from not telling you about having her mates over to stay this weekend, are there other reasons why you describe her as evasive and secretive OP?

She's obviously open with you about her drug use although I wonder if she's being honest with you about the full extent of it.

Apart from feeling I and my home were being used by someone who clearly has the financial means to rent or buy their own place and pay for their own weekends away in an AirBnB or hotel, I wouldn't want someone I couldn't trust staying in my house.

If she was a decent person she'd have either cleared her overnight guests with you beforehand or at the very least fessed up afterwards and changed the sheets on your bed . Urgh. Instead she hoped she got away with it was too out of it on whatever she was taking to care and expected you to sleep in someone else's dirty sheets. She's not doing you a favour, she's using you.

No way, I'd be really annoyed. I'm not even sure if I would want them to have visitors that I didn't know (although I wouldn't have someone stay in my home that I wouldn't trust their judgement in friends)

I haven't read any of the other responses yet (I will go back and read them) but going entirely off your opening message @Onemoretimeround, I would say that it would be ok to have them visit during the day but not to stay over.

You are asking your friend to cat sit and allowing them to stay over but you've never given permission for anyone else to visit or to stay over and it would be decent to let them visit during the day but not a requirement for them to stay over.

Going back to read what the others have suggested now.

Your poor cats - they deserve better!

I wonder if the reason she offers herself up for so much house/cat sitting is because the friend who's flat she lives in isn't so accommodating of her drug taking. And overnight guests using her bed.

This is how I feel too.
I'd have to say something. Next time she could invite more people and have a party.
All she had to do was ask if it's ok to have someone stay over for a couple of nights. Having them over and saying nothing meant that your beds were slept in without you knowing.

What a really really weird situation. If she is a homeless druggie why do you even entertain her coming to your house?! Odd.

You might be better off with a stranger from a pet-sitting website. They have a code of conduct.

I don't understand the responses that the drug taking is a 'red herring', 'okay because you know about it' and 'it's part of who she is'.

Surely it's likely that the drug taking has lead her to (a) offer to spend so much time cat/house sitting in friends' homes when they are away because it's something she can't do freely in the friend's flat she lives in and (b) behave so poorly in having overnight guests she doesn't tell/ask you either before or after they've stayed.

And doesn't change the sheets on your bed! When my DCs were living in shared student houses any friends staying over might crash in unused beds if a flatmate was away for the weekend. But that was agreed and nobody minded.

Am I alone in thinking that this is really grim and not normal behaviour once you are grown up enough to be a high flier with a well paid and responsible job in the City?

If someone was pet sitting, I wouldn’t expect them to have people over staying (or even coming around).

“I don't understand the responses that the drug taking is a 'red herring', 'okay because you know about it' and 'it's part of who she is'.” @FullDummy

Because the OP knew about it and accepted the cat sitting with that knowledge whereas she didn’t know about friends/whoever visiting. It’s not about whether the OP agrees with drugs or not - I’d think if she didn’t and felt it would interfere with looking after the cat she wouldn’t accept the cat sitting in the first place.

I would be ok with daytime visitors for cup of tea/ lunch (one at a time) but not overnight. Also wouldn't be happy with someone on drugs looking after my precious cats! What about if they forgot what they were supposed to be doing, or lost the cat and weren't attentive? It's not that expensive to get a proper person to come in and care for it.

No way would I be ok with this. If she'd asked you and you were ok with it then fair enough but absolutely not on to do it behind your back and even worse to not even sort the bedding afterwards!
I wouldn't be asking her to cat sit again

Perhaps I wasn't clear. I understand the OP was and perhaps still is 'okay' with her friend's drug use. What I don't understand is posters advising her that her friend's behaviour has nothing to do with drug use, and that the question is simply whether it's acceptable or not for a cat sitting friend to have overnight guests sleeping in your bed, not change the sheets and say nothing about it.

It's such a grim thing to do it seems to me that it is tied up with the drug use. I think the OP's uncertainty about whether she's being uptight about the overnight visitors is being clouded by the fact that she's 'cool' about the drugs. If she wasn't 'cool' about the drugs I think she'd quickly recognise her friend's underhand and grim behaviour as not okay and wouldn't feel the need to post on MN to see what other people thought.

Edited for clarity.

Ah, I have to say I know some people who are quite happy to sleep in others sheets (and other questionable hygiene practices) and no drug taking in their lives at all, therefore I see it from a different perspective.

I was annoyed when a friend was staying at my house to pet sit - it was to her benefit too as she lives 70 miles away and wanted to take her six year old to London. She turned up with her teenage DD and her friend too. Well I had not prepared another room, and it meant someone had to stay in my bedroom which I hate (and I had to quickly change the sheets etc).
She should have cleared it with you - it's only polite and respectful of your property.

I'm sure there are people who don't mind, or who don't mind on some occasions or who used not to mind when, for example, they were students but do now.

I still think it's grim in the circumstances OP has described.

The OP clearly did mind about sleeping in someone else's dirty sheets in her own home because she changed them. It wasn't just the breach of trust that bothered her. It was the yuk factor.

If I was in the OP's shoes, this friend's breach of trust plus the dodgy hygiene plus freeloading attitude plus the lack of respect would make me change my cat sitting arrangements. And ask myself whether my 'yeah, I'm cool about drugs' attitude could do with reviewing.

What disturbs me about this more than anything else is that you have 'security cams' in your house. So you're spying on a friend who is doing you a favour. And this seems to be the norm these days.

She has a ring doorbell on her front door not security cameras inside the house

She should have asked first. If you had not known because of the ring doorbell you would have not known to change the sheets etc. Also if things had kicked off it’s your property that would be damaged. Drugs can go wrong in so many ways.

You don't mind someone taking drugs in your home but mind that she had a couple friends round? What if your cat accidentally ate something or something has been left lying around that a child would pick up etc

Most people if they go away for the weekend ask the neighbour to pop in a couple of times so it does seem you've got your priorities a bit wrong

...Also so much easier for evading the police. If only Griselda Blanco had thought of cat sitting!

If you've a camera then she must know you'll know she's had guests. Which makes it all the more weird she didn't say so. I'm presuming there's no evidence of them, no mess, broken or missing items etc? Did they help themselves to your booze and food? If so I'd be asking for it to be replaced. If she's a friend then I'd probably not be really pissed off. More curious as to why she didn't mention it.
I guess if what you say about her is true, she could have simply been on a night out nearby and wanted to continue doing drugs with whoever she was with and your house was nearer than hers/theirs. If the cat was fed and no damage done I think it's just up to you if you're comfortable with it or not.

I’d be very grateful for the cat sitting, and not mind at all. Cattery is very expensive and it’s better for the cats to be in their own home