How do you demonstrate commitment in your second relationship

[Comparethemarket]

My partner and I are mid-50s, been together 5 years. We are both divorced and have no plans to live together or get re-married. We spend 4-5 nights together every week, unless one or other of us has eg work trips etc. Mostly holiday together, but also have trips separately with friends (trips with friends are usually weekends, not extended holidays).

However, I know this has been covered before, but I can't find the thread.... How do/did you and your partner demonstrate commitment to each other in the longer term in this kind of set-up?

Neither of us want to move in together as we each like having our own space and financial independence.

I'd just be interested in how different couples have demonstrated this to each other, rather than taking a, "it's good right now" or FWB kind of approach.

Still not understanding why anything needs to be "demonstrated."

I understand OP! I think there is the subconscious feeling that you should “progress” somehow even if you don’t want or need to! Traditional couples do this by moving in/engaged/married/children.

In theory this is demonstrating to each other that they are making a conscious decision to be with each other by reaffirming. In reality I think that just isn’t the case. Lots of people are less committed and yet trundle through the motions feeling it’s the same. However society and our subconscious do some good work on us!

I don’t know the answer. Special gifts? Taking them to things? Making it clear they are your priority? I am still trying to work out so if there are helpful answers I will be interested

For real commitment, you talk and believe the other person when they tell you they want to always be there. Anything else is a mere manifestation. If you want a manifestation, and I got engaged and married so that's not a judgement, how about a private commitment ceremony or a special piece of jewellery

@Aussieland thank you. That's exactly what I'm trying to express.

I'm not interested in a ceremony (it took 15 years for ex-dh and I to bother to get married), just wondering what (even little things) others have done to show to each other that they're in it for the long haul.

Get a dog together

Actually I did get an engagement piece of jewellery from my long term partner.

So that's our status-engaged but no plans to be married anytime soon.

A promise ring would be the same.

Not that it's sny real sort of commitment but we are both telling the world -we're together. (Though we live together so it's obvious anyway)

Matching tattoos?

I'm sorry, but I'm still baffled as to why you feel this needs to be "demonstrated". People don't move in together or have a baby to "demonstrate commitment", they do it because they want to live together or want a child. You don't want that, and more power to you, but it still leaves the question of why you feel commitment has to be "demonstrated" in some tangible way instead of just... lived. I mean, you can get engaged without intention to get married or move in or exchange commitment jewellery of some sort or whatever, but those do come off very much as intended for an outside audience, which you say this isn't about.

If there is no intent to marry they wouldn’t be engaged.

OP - it sounds like what you’ve got at the moment works well for now but is it all that there is to this relationship? Is that it? Do you worry that the current ‘formula’ is approaching its expiry date as there is nothing to progress to? Is it because - apart from spending time together - there is nothing more tangible binding you to each other and you are not building anything together?

My dad and his partner have this exact same arrangement OP -- been together 25 years now, live at one of each others houses 4-5 days a week (when they're not off having lots of amazing holidays together!). They got commitment rings. I wonder if partly it was to stop constant questions about why they weren't getting married, why they weren't living together etc. TBF those questions stopped after about 15 years of them being together!

Not sure why some posters can't understand that symbols are valuable. It's not about insecurity or external validation, it's just a way of framing your relationship in your own head -- that there's an external symbol of what's going on for you as a couple. It's nice to be able to celebrate a relationship, even if that celebration is just for the two of you.

Get engaged? In some countries, people get engaged without intention to marry, as a way to show commitment.

why do you need too? if you are both happy and it works for you both, what else do you need?

i guess material things like life insurances, wills, estates on paper makes you both 'partners' do you need a ring, a wedding cert? to live in the same house?

why get engaged and never get married... the whole concept of 'engaged' is to marry in the future... otherwise whats the point?

i know a couple who live as OP, they do both wear a ring, but do not class each other as engaged, its thier little public show to the world they are committed too each other

Sounds perfect to me.

What sort of commitment are you hoping to see demonstrated?

I'd take it that you both get along and are happy with the current set up as a demonstration of commitment.

...unless one of you wants something different and the other doesn't...

In which case, the one who wants something different might see the other's hesitancy or resistance as a demonstration of lack of commitment.

I'm in my 50s, been living separately from my dp for 7 years. The commitment is in my head. At first I didn't feel committed to him; now I do.

Since we met, nothing big has outwardly changed: we could break up tomorrow and only have to return a set of keys and the odd item of clothing. The only noticeable outward difference is that we talk about one another as "boyfriend"/"girlfriend" whereas at the start it was only supposed to be a fling so I'd talk about my "gentleman friend" or something similarly jokey instead. Otherwise, we have no rings, no symbols.

My exh used to say I was the love of his life. We married, had children, bought a house together ... but he turned out not to be committed at all. So symbols and words don't mean as much to me as simply being a good partner.

Every time my dp and I meet up or communicate, it is because we have decided to be together. That's a daily demonstration of commitment.

Are you concerned that your dp is maybe not that committed to you? Or is this mainly about you wanting to make him feel loved?

🤣

I did say in the post immediately after that I'd linked to the wrong thread.

You seem particularly snippy. Not sure why? If you don't understand the relevance of a thread, or the point of a particular question there's no obligation to post just to say so.

Thank you @Albatrossing you've explained it very well.

I don't want life insurances/wills/pensions etc muddled into it as I want my own DC to benefit exclusively from anything I have and likewise, because dp and I haven't built our acquisitions together, I don't expect to have a share of anything he's acquired over the years.

Definitely don't want marriage/living together etc having rebuilt my life entirely after losing everything to my financially abusive ex-h (I left my former marriage with nothing more than a weekend bag and my laptop and have built a comfortable, financially stable life for myself since), so those posters thinking that must be something I'm hankering after are definitely barking up the wrong tree.

Just wondering what other people do or have done to show each other their commitment when the traditional "markers" (for want of a better way to express it) are taken out of the equation and you have a less conventional set-up.

I struggled with this in my last relationship as we weren’t both at the same life stage. I’d already had a long term relationship and child, he was younger and hadn’t had all that. He kept pushing for “commitment” but I think that meant moving in and becoming a family. No way was I ready for that so it ended.

I think if you’re both on the same page though, there’s no need to do anything to show it.