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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Aibu - exhausting, difficult man

104 replies

guardcat2 · 31/07/2024 19:08

Feeling sad and could use a sense check/hand hold. Been with dp for just over a year. We were both newly separated and i think we got together too soon, there's been a lot of drama and conflict, he is hot headed and has a blunt attitude where he questions everything and often seems annoyed if i don't agree with him (e.g. on when he should meet my dc as he says a year is very long, or if i dont agree on frequency of contact/communication between us etv). We have also been long distance for a few months now due to work. I've become sick of arguing as it seems like almost every phone convo turns into a row. I thought he realised how much his argumentative streak was killing us as he promised not to start a row with me for the whole of July, but.... when we finally met up after 6 weeks apart, he got in a mood because i hadnt introduced him to family i'd been staying with (although they live 2 hr drive away from where we were meeting) and he said he didnt want to spend the weekend with me anymore, which felt so mean after so long apart and looking forward to it. Also when i called his bluff he totally reneged and begged me not to leave.

But then, within just a few days, something else happened. He is meant to be coming to stay near me for the summer and we've been planning it as he can't stay with me when my dc are with me, but I sent him a text saying I'd booked him a nice airbnb my treat for a few nights to cover this period, and then he said i was being controlling and 'i didnt even ask him', even though it was supposed to be a nice thing, to ensure he had a comfortable place to say. He also argued with me about a throwaway comment i made when we talked about sex, about how i don't like someone.. erm, 'finishing' anywhere near my face (as i hate porn-y stuff like that) and he took offence and said i should want to try anything with him, he felt rejected by me and that if he is only going to have sex with me, he doesn't want our sex life to be constrained. So 2 arguments about irrational, unrelated things, and that was in the space of just one day. I'm particularly upset about the airbnb as i couldnt understand how he would take offence at that. he says he's not going to use it and will stay at a campsite instead!! He's heavily implied i am controlling because a)i booked him a couple nights at an airbnb and b)because i expressed a sexual boundary.

Of course, he always says his behaviours are because he love me so much, has never felt this way before, can't control it, etc...

It's just odd and exhausting - right? Things should not be this difficult. I just feel like all my feelings have evaporated :(

OP posts:
KrazyboutKillian · 31/07/2024 19:12

Move on
doesn’t sound like he has any good points
is this someone you would even want to be around your children ?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 31/07/2024 19:12

I'm worn out just reading that! Sounds utterly exhausting.

guardcat2 · 31/07/2024 19:14

not really @KrazyboutKillian - prob why he hasn't, except for once briefly as my 'friend'. I think its my instinct. I get a rush of anxiety when he phones me now!

OP posts:
afrikat · 31/07/2024 19:15

Jesus it should NOT be this hard. I've been with my DH for 17 years and think we've only ever had two arguments. Big red flag about the serial boundary too

SamW98 · 31/07/2024 19:16

The whole sex conversation would have me outing there let alone the rest of it.

He sounds like a manipulative controlling cunt and I’d say he’s definitely capable big being abusive.

Cut you losses and get rid. This man won’t get any better.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 31/07/2024 19:17

He’s sounds like bad news generally. Just dump him.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 31/07/2024 19:22

It sounds to me as though he has controlling issues - this is why he can't cope with you taking charge over things and tries to argue you down. It is absolutely NOT up to him when he meets your family, and the fact that he can't seem to understand this would be enough to end it over.

StrawberryWater · 31/07/2024 19:22

Get rid of him.

The sex thing alone is bloody grim (not to mention abusive). You expressed a VERY reasonable boundary that any normal decent man would understand and agree with and is sulking like a giant man baby who watches too much porn. Get rid because any man who wants an unconstrained sex life probably wants to do some very dodgy things.

Also, any normal decent man would be happy to go slow and follow their partners lead when it comes to introducing them to kids and again he sulks like a giant douche bag.

Just throw him back in the sea where he belongs. He's giving me the ick and I don't even know him.

Nicebloomers · 31/07/2024 19:24

It shouldn’t be this much hard work. He sounds pretty insufferable. What happened to the honeymoon period of the relationship? Get rid.

Mydahliasareshit · 31/07/2024 19:24

Your body and feelings are your friendly messengers.
That's why you feel anxiety when he phones it's a warning.
Trust it.
With the right person you feel a little burst of joy when they are in contact, it's so different. Especially so early in the relationship.

hiddeneverythin · 31/07/2024 19:25

He sounds utterly exhausting. Get rid and well done for not bringing him into your kids' lives

Mom2K · 31/07/2024 19:25

Saying you should be willing to try anything with him is a rapist mindset IMO, it shows he doesn'tcare about what you enjoy or find comfortable - he just wants what he wants.

He speaks of sex and being exclusive with you as if he is doing you some kind of favour. Like, you should be grateful if he's "only going to have sex with you," and you should therefore do whatever he wants so he's not tempted anywhere else.

This is the biggest turn off right here. He's a disgusting entitled misogynist.

The above alone would be an instant end to the relationship for me, but even more so with everything else you've mentioned. He is controlling. He'd never meet my children because the dumping would be pretty swift.

PeriIsKickingMyButt · 31/07/2024 19:26

I bloody well hope your feelings have evaporated because this 'relationship' is insane. Why are you still slogging away at this horrible relationship?

PinkyPonkyLittleDonkey · 31/07/2024 19:27

Get rid.

guardcat2 · 31/07/2024 19:28

I think its sunk costs fallacy honestly,i used to really love him but now it all feels a chore and i dont know how things like booking him a nice airbnb can be taken badly, and he just seems to love arguing and twisting things! Its just not fun anymore.

OP posts:
Aldertrees · 31/07/2024 19:28

Ew, yuk

suburberphobe · 31/07/2024 19:29

I'm worn out just reading that! Sounds utterly exhausting.

Me too. Listen to your instincts OP. He's not the one for you.

guardcat2 · 31/07/2024 19:29

lol, he said my response to the 'finishing' thing should have been more 'playful' and 'open' as its like i am not open to an adventurous sex life and i was calling him disgusting. Neither of which is true! Actually i am more experienced than him. i just hate really degrading/porn stuff personally.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 31/07/2024 19:30

It shouldn’t be this difficult so early into a relationship. End it, you deserve so much better

Hatty65 · 31/07/2024 19:30

Its just not fun anymore.

Text him this. Add, 'Best wishes for the future'.

And block.

BellesAndGraces · 31/07/2024 19:31

BIN HIM THE FUCK OFF 🗑️ 🚮

If you’re getting this type of crap from him after a year what on earth will he be serving you when he’s got his feet fully under the table?

I am also seriously concerned that his behaviour hasn’t had you running for the hills. Once you have thrown this rotten fish back into the sea, please take some serious time out from dating and spend that time reading about healthy relationships and how to spot red flags.

guardcat2 · 31/07/2024 19:31

Does anyone think me booking the airbnb could in any way be malicious?! I feel like he tries to argue black is white sometimes!

OP posts:
bouncybouncingboobies · 31/07/2024 19:32

This is who he is. It won’t get better, you will just get ground down by it. Fuck him off and good luck him finding woman who delights in his wishes to come on their face!

bouncybouncingboobies · 31/07/2024 19:33

Of course not. He hoped for a chance to stay at yours. The Air BA is the nail in that coffin- that’s why he’s angry.

SamW98 · 31/07/2024 19:39

guardcat2 · 31/07/2024 19:31

Does anyone think me booking the airbnb could in any way be malicious?! I feel like he tries to argue black is white sometimes!

Stop questioning yourself - he’s got inside your head and made you doubt your own thoughts.

This isn’t you it’s him.

Get out now before he grinds you down even further