Struggle with long term partner and different backgrounds

[Lynsey893]

Myself 31F and my partner 33M have been together 10 years. Our backgrounds are quite different, I come from a calm loving home with parents who are always there to support me, my partner on the other hands comes from a very neglectful background, grew up with a single mum and then with a step dad, his mother distant, hot headed and emotionally abusive and step father who was emotionally and physically abusive. His household was very heated, always stressful and shouting was a given everyday.

During our relationship it has been up and down, when things are great he has told me that I am wonderful, the best woman he has ever met, I saved him and rebuilt him and he couldn't ask for more. But then when things change and are not great then I am not loving him enough, don't make him feel secure or safe, not reaching my potential to be the best woman I can be and that I do myself bad by not being more confident and embracing myself. I sometimes feel like the only way to describe it is like Jekyll and Hyde, how he goes from being such a wonderful sweet, kind, caring loving person to this man that can lose his temper very quickly and tells me that I don't love him enough and that I need to be better.

Whenever he brings up something that he thinks/feels is wrong I can never give my side of my thoughts/feelings as he feels I become defensive and try and shut him down and he accuses me of turning into his mother.

I'm trying to understand the reason why he acts the way he does, is this a product of growing up in a neglectful abusive household? He sometimes seems like he struggles to have a handle on his negative emotions or if l portray negative emotions towards him. He has said in our last argument that if I don't change my behaviour and love him more than he will move out and leave and it will be because I couldn't love him enough. I get the sense that he projects a lot of his fears onto me as he has threatened to leave many times before and hasn't, he has even admitted to threatening to leave in the past to, in his words 'shock me into loving him better! He understands now that this was wrong.

So ultimately is this all to do with his he processes emotions and relationships which has been affected by his childhood and previous home environment. I must add that he only moved out of his mother's house at the start of the year so this is all very fresh living out of that household.

Also please no 'leave him' comments, I am already aware of that possibility and considering this. I would just like peoples opinions on his dealing with things, not whether to stay or leave the relationship.

I’ve just never met someone who is so wonderful yet seems to be so damaged on the inside, and I'm not sure whether he knows it himself.

Thanks for any advice.

You can't deal with his things.

He needs to understand himself why he feels insecure and get appropriate therapy for himself to understand his own emotions and to control them.

You could try couples therapy - though every couple I personally know who has had it has ended up splitting up or divorced.

It's not your responsibility to fix him. He's the only person responsible for that.

It's completely unhealthy and unrealistic of him to depend on you as the answer to his problems. He is responsible for addressing his own trauma. You can be supportive, but him accusing you of not loving him enough to help "heal" him, is inappropriate, unfair and needs to stop.

He needs to see a trained professional to address his issues. You will never be able to, “love him enough/better” to fix him and him saying that is manipulative and abusive. He is also using his past issues to control your right to have feelings that he doesn’t like or agree with. So, unless he gets real help for himself from a trained professional, (you are not trained in this field I assume and if you are it’s unethical to work with a partner) you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with him because as things stand, he’s not a healthy person. You sound young. You’ve got a whole life full of possibilities before you. I suggest you go out into the world and experience as much of it as possible. You don’t need a millstone round your neck that’s probably going to wreck your chance of a happy and fulfilling life.

I agree with previous posters. He has much to unpick through counselling and therapy.

But it’s certainly not your job to do that. It certainly isn’t down to you loving him more.

I think he may be playing out with you the ‘pushing of limits’ he was afraid to do growing up. That’s not acceptable or what you’re there for.

He needs serious work on himself so he doesn’t make a balls of your relationship with him. Perhaps point this out.

I lived for too long with a woman who reminds me of your predicament. Some things I learnt:

• couples therapy cannot work with someone who has unresolved mental health issues. Your partner needs his own therapy / support, with professionals, and that is to support him, independently of you
• all the other advice you have heard - you can't fix him, his handing you the responsibility for loving him into health isn't fair and it won't work, it will exhaust you - yes. 1000000 x yes
• You don't say if there are children involved. If there are, or you plan to, this is going to be very hard to read. This. man. is. not. fit. to. be. a. father. Whatever you do, don't raise kids with him. If you do have children, I'm going to say what you have asked us not to: leave ASAP with them, the more you wait the worse it will be.

Take care of yourself, don't accept the responsibility for his troubles even if you stay with him. This is not about whether you love him enough, it's about whether he can trust you enough.

I agree with PP’s that he needs to sort out his own issues, you can’t do it for him. No partner can “fix” another’s trauma.

I was the partner who had some issues partly due to a difficult childhood and I’m grateful to my DH for giving me an ultimatum and saying that he couldn’t take it anymore and would end the relationship unless I sorted myself out. I got help and am a much happier person because of it. Our marriage survived and is much better because of it.

You need to gently tell him that you can’t fix things, he needs to seek professional help to do it himself.

I am your partner OP 🙁

I experienced DV as well as SA as a kid

i watched my parents scream shout hit each other , throw glass or plates at each other; I never once watched them have dialogue. At 16 I was researching what to take to end my life so that I don’t hear their shouting anymore

my DH came from a lovely home

my first reaction is to shout and scream , only after years of patience (from others) I recognised my mistakes (still not fixed them fully)

after 20+ years together dh is my personal counsellor , can’t live without him

is that what you want out of your life?

He's a big empty bucket of need with a hole in the bottom. You fill it up and it trickles out and needs filling again. You're on a fools errand until he finds a way to plug the hole and start helping to refill the bucket himself. I'm sure his childhood has damaged him, but constantly trying to relieve the symptoms isn't a cure. He needs to see a therapist and learn how to meet his own needs for security and validation so he isn't sucking you dry.

Thank you everyone for your comments. At times he tries to convince me that the problem in our relationship is me, because he gives me 100% everyday and I don’t for him. He feels settled when I am able to give him 100% but I have said that’s not normal or sustainable and I know it shouldn’t be all on me to make him feel loved and secure. After 10 years together, lots of affection and telling him I love him, he should know how I feel about him.
He also feels because I never have any problems in our relationship, I generally don’t have unless he is behaving like this, he thinks this is because he must do everything right. That is obviously not the case, I just feel secure in my relationship. But then I think to myself as I not making him feel secure, is that why he acts this way?

@bosqueverde your last sentence has really hit a point for me, he does not generally trust people so this is more than likely true. He has previously said to me that he doesn’t trust me like he used to because I have hurt him by not loving him like when we were first together.

Hi OP,
I came on to say I'm actually your partner,
I came from a really bad childhood groomed by people that should have kept me safe - abused sexually by people close and who I should have been able to trust
Abused mentally by close family members.
I met my husband and we have been together for ten years
I am damaged beyond belief and absolutely mess -
I have tried to commit suicide twice - near fatal been in intensive care for 2 months each time taken years to "recover" I use that loosely.
I have the same behaviours as your partner.
You absolutely cannot fix him, he has to recognise and fix himself, he has to work with mental health professionals, you are not responsible for him you didn't damage him - you will resent him.
My husband stayed - he loves me I know this I really do but sometimes I just cannot think logically.
Does he have any diagnosises?
That's his first step.
Just came on to say that really, but he really cant "help" it but that doesn't mean you should be responsible for him.

@5128gap wow yeah that’s definitely a hit the nail on the head statement a big empty bucket of need. My also dad pointed out that he seems very needy.

I think he’s trying to compensate for what he never received as a child. Without me he has nothing and no one, not being arrogant, but he went no contact with his family when he moved out (has said that I forced him to do this, even though in the next breathe he is a strong man who will not be told what to do), doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t have anywhere to go if he moves out. Before he went no contact with his family, he told me that even his mother said to him not to lose me as I was a good woman. I think he’s ruining his own life and can’t even see it, he will forever think it will be my fault for not loving him enough. It hurts as he is a wonderful person when he is nice but he spoils himself with needing constant reassurance. I settle him when I am giving him 100% but if I slip for a day or two all hell breaks loose and he can’t deal with it. Where for me I’m just living my life. He has said that he has thought about being with someone else that gives him what he needs, he didn’t like this when I stated I don’t think you’ll find this person.

@CaptainBeanThief thank you for your honesty, your situations are virtually the same. I have said to him to see someone but he states that he has changed himself before, can do it himself and doesn’t need anyone to tell him what his problems are as he knows what they’re. Which he does when he is being his normal self, when he is mad and feels I’m not giving him my all he doesn’t see that there is anything wrong with him and it’s all me.

@Lynsey893
The thing is with me and your partner is we have had to fight in life,
We haven't been provided with the love and care we so desperately needed in life,
I'm not excusing his behaviour but it is terribly hard for people to understand - I'm just offering a different perspective as people are always quick to say oh get rid ect ect
With that said - it isn't your responsibility to fix him like I said, by all means you can support him but only you can decide if you can stay with him but you need to reinforce that he needs to help himself or you won't be doing it anymore.
When you grow up having to pretty much bring yourself up it takes a long time to " un learn " certain behaviours - he needs therapy.
You don't need couples therapy - there's nothing wrong with you.
He needs to work on himself

@Lynsey893 not fully understanding the impact of his background is unfair on him; you’re actually antagonising him unwillingly of course . Unless you can provide him with a counsellor or some concrete help or even just patience , understanding and acceptance , you’re damaging him even further (apologies if this is harsh, I don’t mean to be)

@CaptainBeanThief similar background here, sending love x

OP your relationship is not sustainable. He's literally telling you that.

He has said that he has thought about being with someone else that gives him what he needs, he didn’t like this when I stated I don’t think you’ll find this person.

Stand back and look at that statement. It's about him. What HE needs. Where are you? He doesn't say that he loves you, does he? If he did, why would he be talking about finding someone else? Where is his live for you when you have a bad day, when you feel down? You aren't allowed to feel down or have a bad day though, are you? Because his needs will always come ahead of yours. And the more you "fail" to heal him, the worse he will treat you.

This is emotional abuse. The fact that it stems from his traumatic childhood does not change the fact that it's wrong. The more you "fail" the more he will punish you. But this is something you can never win because it relies upon you putting yourself second every single time. Which will destroy your own self esteem and wellbeing.

He might know what his problems are but he also needs to learn how to fix or manage them appropriately. Which doesn't mean using another person as a full time support animal. I think you need to have a last ditch attempt to try and get him to see that he needs to do some work too as you can't carry the burden for his happiness and security alone. If he's not receptive then you need to decide whether you're willing to sacrifice yourself to him entirely. Because that's what staying with him will mean. If you have goals of your own, forget them. If you have any thought of children, don't even contemplate it. Resign yourself to being his emotional crutch and nothing else.

You can't fix him. Such terrible damage has been done to him and nothing you do or say will ultimately help. He's ruining your life with his paranoid behaviour.

If I were your parents I would be incredibly anxious about your own mental health and would worry for your future.

You don't want people to say you should leave, but it's what everyone is thinking. Yes, you could sacrifice your entire life to this man, but what kind of healthy sane woman would recommend that?

@HateMyRubbishBoss no not harsh at all, he does say that at times that I just don’t get him or understand him and I’ve admitted unfortunately I don’t always, I’ve offered to be patient and let him try and talk to me and explain but he always blows up at me and ends up wanting to argue with me about me not giving him what he needs. Also tells me to stop analysing him and doesn’t need to talk about his childhood as it was in the past and he’s moved past it.

He’s so right (it’s like I hear myself talk)

just let him be, he’s who he is, he’s damaged, you can never ever ever “fix” him just by “teaching” him what’s normal or what’s right for you

early childhood damage destroys your soul; unless you’ve been there you can never truly comprehend this

my Dh just listens to me that’s all he does .. he doesn’t ask for details of what exactly happened anymore

if you support and accept you might both find peace x

I've also had to fight, and had an appalling childhood, include SA, that still resonates today in terms of my relationships, addictions, self-esteem, despite years of working very hard in therapy etc etc -- but, ultimately, my shit is my shit. It's no one else's problem to fix. And I also work very hard to ensure it's not taking its toll on DH, on DS, on my friends.

I agree entirely with you that it's very hard to unlearn damaging scripts from your childhood (and I have three equally screwed-up siblings), but if the OP's husband is unable to deal with his stuff separately, and stop loading it onto her, then he shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

I thought incredibly carefully before I had a child, for instance -- was I going to be able to ensure this child grew up without my stuff impacting on him, and in a healthy relationship? Was I going to be able to model good friendships, a good attitude to the world, decent self-esteem, an ability to try and fail and be OK with that etc etc?

OP, it makes zero difference, ultimately whether someone is mistreating you/over-reliant on you because they're simply not a nice person who chooses this freely, or whether they're acting out of childhood damage. The effect on you is the same. Your partner appears to have zero insights into his own mental processes, and is projecting everything onto you. I've done years and years of intensive therapy, with brilliant therapists, and have worked very hard, and I understand why I am as I am, but I'm still nowhere near able to act on these insights. Your partner hasn't even begun, and doesn't seem to even glimpse the need.

In your shoes, I would end this, because you're wasting your life being an emotional punchbag for someone with no insight into his own psyche, and I would certainly not have children with this man, if that is a consideration. You're not even able to talk to him about what it's like being his partner, because he gets defensive, shuts you down, and starts projecting. When you have a child, it reactivates all kinds of stuff from your childhood. No child deserves a childhood this fraught. If you want children, don't have them with a man who thinks your job is to 'fix' him. Have them with someone who has fixed himself.

It's shit Because a load of people will be coming on here saying get rid of him and he's abusing the OP and he's a horrible person ect.
It isn't his "fault"
He hasn't been taught to behave appropriately and if people haven't been through the same/similar life experience it will be extremely difficult to relate / support this person.
It comes across as emotional abuse but it really isnt.
The turmoil we feel inside is crushing.
I just wanted to offer a different perspective on the situation.
It isn't on the OP to fix him - it also isn't her fault she doesn't understand and she is trying her best to understand and support but she isn't a mental health professional.
He needs to help himself.
I'm now 30 years old - I'm still insanely fucked but I'm getting there because I'm helping Myself and that's what the OPs partner needs to do

Xx

Brilliant post.

@HateMyRubbishBoss I try and let him be, support and accept but it’s his need for me to constantly settle him into feeling loved and secure that burns me out. I want to be the best woman I can be for him, I try my best and give him my all, a listening ear, patience, understanding, softness and love but he doesn’t accept that I do these things when he is in rage mode.

I do agree,
I was offering perspective from his point of view what it may be like.
Our shit is our shit and he does need to take responsibility for himself like you say.
I said it up thread it wont get better until he has therapy to un pick his behaviour and OP shouldn't have to be the one he relies on.