Struggle with long term partner and different backgrounds

[Lynsey893]

Myself 31F and my partner 33M have been together 10 years. Our backgrounds are quite different, I come from a calm loving home with parents who are always there to support me, my partner on the other hands comes from a very neglectful background, grew up with a single mum and then with a step dad, his mother distant, hot headed and emotionally abusive and step father who was emotionally and physically abusive. His household was very heated, always stressful and shouting was a given everyday.

During our relationship it has been up and down, when things are great he has told me that I am wonderful, the best woman he has ever met, I saved him and rebuilt him and he couldn't ask for more. But then when things change and are not great then I am not loving him enough, don't make him feel secure or safe, not reaching my potential to be the best woman I can be and that I do myself bad by not being more confident and embracing myself. I sometimes feel like the only way to describe it is like Jekyll and Hyde, how he goes from being such a wonderful sweet, kind, caring loving person to this man that can lose his temper very quickly and tells me that I don't love him enough and that I need to be better.

Whenever he brings up something that he thinks/feels is wrong I can never give my side of my thoughts/feelings as he feels I become defensive and try and shut him down and he accuses me of turning into his mother.

I'm trying to understand the reason why he acts the way he does, is this a product of growing up in a neglectful abusive household? He sometimes seems like he struggles to have a handle on his negative emotions or if l portray negative emotions towards him. He has said in our last argument that if I don't change my behaviour and love him more than he will move out and leave and it will be because I couldn't love him enough. I get the sense that he projects a lot of his fears onto me as he has threatened to leave many times before and hasn't, he has even admitted to threatening to leave in the past to, in his words 'shock me into loving him better! He understands now that this was wrong.

So ultimately is this all to do with his he processes emotions and relationships which has been affected by his childhood and previous home environment. I must add that he only moved out of his mother's house at the start of the year so this is all very fresh living out of that household.

Also please no 'leave him' comments, I am already aware of that possibility and considering this. I would just like peoples opinions on his dealing with things, not whether to stay or leave the relationship.

I’ve just never met someone who is so wonderful yet seems to be so damaged on the inside, and I'm not sure whether he knows it himself.

Thanks for any advice.

You sound like his carer not his partner. Putting the responsibility on you to secure his happinesses is manipulative and unfair. Whatever you give will never be enough (from his definition) but absolves him of all responsibility to do anything for himself. You're pouring in to a bottomless well.

Oh and you should never be in a relationship with anyone who has a 'rage mode'.

It doesn't sound as if OP can stay in this relationship for her own wellbeing though. A partner who rages at her and blames her for not meeting his needs and loving him enough to heal him, is not someone she can stay with. It will damage her own mental health and emotional wellbeing if she does.

This reminded me of a friend of mine

his rescue cat was actually found by RSPCA in an abandoned suitcase; from the day he brought it home , poor baby was latching on to him with his claws, he’d never let him go, never seen anything like this before …

your partner is like this poor cat, he’s a scared damaged rescue soul …

I was married to a similar man and was naive as I didn't understand the level of trauma or damage he had experienced. He came from a (wannabe middle class background) so everything was hidden.

I didn't know what I was dealing with until I started to read books such as "why does he do that" "the verbally abusive relationship" amongst others. I learned so much and realised I could change him. Jekyll & Hyde is exactly how I described him. Ex had a ton of counselling but actually it made him worse, not sure why however I think he portrayed a victim narrative very well. Couples counselling was a waste of time as he was so defensive. When a counsellor alluded to his trauma he stormed out.

My advice, learn what you are dealing with as that will inform you. However I would say having children made it much worse so I wouldn't recommend parenting.

I do feel very worn out, we’ve only been living together 3 months and he said to me ‘it was a lot easier when we lived separately, I could get away from you, but now you’re always there’.
I do love him deeply but it’s so hard, he is so lovely, sweet, kind and caring but when he switches it’s so hard to see, it’s like I don’t recognise him as the wonderful person he is anymore. When I left for work this morning he didn’t say a word to me, I phoned him on lunch as usual and he answered and said I don’t want to talk to you and put the phone down on me, something to look forward to when I get home is the same attitude 😞

Yes you can’t treat him like any relationship it’s just not the same , as I said unwillingly you might be triggering him

for your own sanity, and as this might be too complex to deal with, you might need to move on (also not fair on him due to his background )

Just offering a different view for you to consider

Good luck x

Oh dear, you've been together 10 years, since you were 21 - so young
and have recently chosen to live together.

do you want to be married and have children one day ?

if so you know what you have to do, he has already taken so many years of your youth.

How soon can you move out, or how soon can he move out

is it a rented property - are both names on the tenancy
did you move out of the family home, can you move back
is it a 6 month tenancy - can he afford the rent on his own, can you afford to pay it for the remaining 3 months if you did move back home
or can you afford the tenancy if he moves out

please don't tell me you have a mortgage with him

this is not a healthy relationship
it's time to move on - upwards and onwards

I disagree strongly with some of your points, @CaptainBeanThief As someone who had a dreadful childhood, and is still in my 50s, dealing with the fallout, I absolutely think the OP's partner is emotionally abusing her. It's completely irrelevant that he wasn't brought up in a way that made it easy for him to form straightforward, healthy relationships -- he is abusing the OP, regardless of what childhood scripts are telling him it's normal.

He tells her in a rage that the problem with their relationship is that she doesn't love him enough, and that if he leaves, it will be because of this. He admits to having threatened to leave her to 'shock' her into treating him better. He thinks it's her job to transform him. He's not prepared, at least for now, to do the hard yards in terms of changing himself.

He also stayed living with his 'distant, hotheaded and emotionally abusive' mother and his emotionally and physically abusive stepfather until the age of 32, also. When he moved in with the OP and immediately cast her as his mother. None of this speaks of someone who is open to the work that would be needed to change. The OP can't hang around forever, hoping, being the punchbag of someone who apparently has no idea how damaged and damaging he is.

This is emotional abuse. It’s the classic cycle of abuse. He’s lovely and love bombs you and everything is wonderful and then he switches to being abusive and you’re left trying everything to get him to love you again. Please read, “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s available as a free pdf online. You won’t change him. And counselling isn’t recommended with abusive people. It doesn’t matter if he’s had a traumatic childhood. That’s no excuse for him to then be abusive to you. Plenty of people have abusive and traumatic upbringings who don’t then go on to abuse their partners. Anyone saying it’s not his fault because he was abused is making excuses for his bad behaviour towards you, someone who has tried their very best to love and support him and who is now the one being abused. There is no excuse. Read the book and make plans to leave. It’s only been 3 months you’ve lived together. Hopefully, it’s your home and you can make him leave. If not, speak to your family about them supporting you to leave and womens aid too.

@TipsyJoker ‘trying everything to get him to love you again’ perfectly explains what the cycle is. He flares up and starts that I don’t love him enough, I plead with him that I love him and want to be with him. After hours of pleading he finally says I’ll give you another chance, we’re great and then weeks later he says I’m not and the cycle goes on. This has been on a monthly cycle since we moved in.
I wonder sometimes if it’s a way for him to be in control or to make me beg and plead for him to feel wanted as he never had that before and he gets a buzz/thrill from being wanted.

So what, though? So what if it's to make you beg and plead? Is this how you want to spend your life? Is this how you want a future child to spend his/her life, desperately trying to be good enough for daddy who says 'You don't love me enough to do what I say/stay dry at night/do well in that exam'?

What would happen if you didn't go home from work, but took yourself out for dinner with your friends, or went to see a film? And arrived back in the house, unconcerned, going about your business, making a cup of tea, getting ready for bed, not unduly bothered about whatever is going on with him?

If you've been with him for a decade, why? What's going on with you? Is this all you feel you're worth?

That's it though - you are absolutely correct to disagree with my points because everyone has different life experiences and opinions.
People deal with things differently and I think it's good that we can all give different perspectives to the OP on how to go forward.
I have pointed out repeatedly that this isn't ops responsibility though

Different backgrounds never work in my opinion.

Just find someone else.

Oh dear, he sounds like a needy manipulative arsehole tbh and you’ve only lived together 3 months! I would get out now if I was you or this will be your life over and over. Sounds exhausting.

You are young - go live your life!

OP, this is the real him. This is what he is like to live with. If you want a committed relationship and might also want children, is this the man you want to do it with? The whole thing sounds utterly stressful and miserable. He is asking you to set yourself on fire to keep him warm. It's not going to change or get better until and unless he does the therapy work he needs, to unpick his upbringing. But that's not a five minute job and it does not sound as if he should be a in a relationship whilst he's doing it.

Can you go and stay with family or friends for a night or two, and get some space?

OP, I think your attempt at understanding where his issues come from is also partly an attempt to justify his behavior. There is no justification. He is damaged from his childhood, yes, but he is not making constructive attempts to get better. Instead he is scapegoating you, which is neither loving nor respectful.

You cannot fix him. There is nothing you can do or say to change him. HE must want to get better and take constructive steps to get the right therapy and put in the hard, hard work of establishing good mental health. Getting better isn't important to him yet because you've been willing to be his punching bag. Until now.

Issue an ultimatum--tell him he either accesses help within 30 days, or he gets out.

Having you beg him gives him power. It gives him control. It’s what abusers crave. The need to make you powerless so they can be in control. However, there’s never enough control. They always want more until you have lost all sense of who you are as a person. Your life will become solely about pleasing him, appeasing him, giving to him, obeying him. Your wants and needs will not be allowed. You don’t matter. Only he matters. Your sole purpose is to bow down to him and worship him. Anything less will be rightfully punished. Please, read the book previously mentioned and start making plans to end the relationship. It’s abusive. He’s abusive and no amount of reasons why makes that alright. It’s illegal for a reason. It’s a crime. It’s destroys people, sometimes it literally kills them. One think I can tell you is that abuse never gets better. It always escalates. Always. Don’t tell him you’re leaving him, that’s the most dangerous time for women.