Not sure I can / should forgive DH

[timewontfly]

I am holding a lot of resentment to my husband and I don't know if I can get over it. In the last few years all of the issues I raise are either met with "Well you do that too" or that I did XYZ thing and that's why he is doing what I am upset about. It makes me feel crazy and somehow he says that he walks on eggshells with me and that he cannot raise any issues without me being defensive. He has also talked to me like a child on occasion - will shout at me to sit up straight or tell me off for mumbling.

I have also had a troubled past as was sexually abused by a family member as a young teen and I think he has at times used this against me when we have an argument. He constantly says I love playing a victim - he thinks I have enjoyed being the victim all of my life so now I interpret his behaviour as being abusive or controlling when its not. He has also said to me you are going to turn in to a person who treated me quite badly after SA and I am now NC with - she's very selfish/ bitter and he says I am turning into her. I'm struggling to think of other things like this he has said. But things similar to this and also that I will just never be happy no matter what. He really gets to me as part of me believes him but all I want is to be happy. Despite this, he tells me he loves me and I am his best friend. I feel some of his comments are hurtful and hard to forget. AIBU to find these hard to forget?

Relationships are not supposed to be this hard, personally I'd walk away. There's no respect there

he tells me he loves me and I am his best friend.

If that's his idea of love and friendship, he doesn't sound like someone I'd particularly want to be friends with let alone married to.

Taking his words at face value he's not really that happy with you ... you're clearly not happy with him so what is gained by you staying together?

Yes think you are rgiht there is also a lack of respect 😕

This is horrific OP. He's using your previous abuse as a means of abusing you himself. I'm so sorry but he doesn't love you. Love doesn't look like this.

When you are in a loving relationship you feel cherished, respected and seen and valued as your own unique person. I wasn’t in one until my forties, I wish I hadn’t wasted any of the short time we are on this earth for on anything less than this. You deserve so much more.

Nobody, I repeat nobody, has the right to shout at you, to put you down, to order you to sit up straight for goodness sake!

I used to have a boyfriend who used things I'd disclosed to him against me, like he's doing to you with your history of SA. It was such a betrayal of trust and so so hurtful. Nasty bastard, I'm glad I'm not with him anymore!

It feels so so confusing as if it is all my fault and that I need to sort myself out and we would be happy so had made me really doubt how horrible it is other than the feeling in my gut. Doesn't help that not many people know about the abuse so haven't been able to talk to anyone about what he's said to me .

He sounds abusive. As a first step, I'd read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. I think you'll have a lot of "aha" moments and it gives you suggestions on how to get out etc.

He’s chosen you so he can bully you.

Thanks will have a look at that hopefully make some sense of it for me

OP, this isn't a healthy relationship. He's gaslighting the hell out of you and neither of you are happy, from the sound of it. I personally would be ending the relationship if I were you. As a PP said - relationships are really NOT supposed to be like this.

He has also talked to me like a child on occasion - will shout at me to sit up straight or tell me off for mumbling

He's a cunt. This is horrible and abusive behaviour on his part. How fucking dare he tell you, an adult, how to sit or speak? Speaking to a partner like they're a child is awful in any circumstance, but I think even more so when he knows you suffered child abuse. He's essentially trying to send you back, mentally, to a time in your life when you were abused.

he thinks I have enjoyed being the victim all of my life

That is absolutely unforgivable. Enjoyed? ENJOYED????

Honestly, I think he's really manipulating you and messing with your head here. He knows you were abused as a child and he's exploiting that fact to control you. Please leave him. He's horrible.

He's abusive. Some abusive men seek women with abuse histories as they are easier to gaslight into thinking it must be them because of their past trauma. My ex did just the same thing. Funny how now he's an ex my abuse history barely comes I to my mind but when he was there saying that's why I was over reacting to being treated shit it was ever present

Thank you, I do feel really confused. I went to a counsellor for 2 years to work through that abuse as I really didn't deal with it at the time, which is why I then cut off said person as I realised how horribly I had been treated. It was made out that if I dealt with my issues that things would be better and now I have really dealt with a lot of the family issues but hasn't changed much in the relationship and I'm still the problem.

He's also said stuff like as soon as you stop your counselling things just go straight back to being bad so is almost using that against me too but I think its because he is tormenting me. I think the victim thing is quite horrible as to be honest I had been a victim for most of my life but it wasn't my choice and I just didn't know how to work through it.

His favourite thing to say is "do you not think its because X happened to you that you now do this". And honestly all I think is no, I never thought it was because of that at all until you mentioned it.

The feeling in your gut is you. The real you, the actual you, the pure you.

You can choose to respect her, or not. You can choose to be around people who respect her, or not.

There's a difference between 'playing the victim' and being the victim of something. So, if he tells you you're 'playing the victim', then it just means that he doesn't understand or respect your reasons for feeling like something unpleasant is being done to you.

He just wants you to shut up whining, basically, and then when you tell him that's uncomfortable for you, he wants you to shut that whining up too.

Give him what he wants. If you refuse to communicate with him, he won't have to worry about your behaviour any more, will he. Problem solved for you both.

His favourite thing to say is "do you not think its because X happened to you that you now do this

What's his goal here? We all respond and react in different ways because of events in our past. But admitting 'Yes, I'm scared of dogs because a dog bit me' doesn't stop you being scared of dogs. He's basically acknowledging that you have reasons for the way you behave. He's maybe right, but it's really shitty to use that as a stick to beat you with.

This sounds really emotionally abusive.

At the very least this is not a good relationship.

Things need to radically change asap, or you need to end it.

Personally I wouldn't waste any more time. I would get out now, and do the work on yourself to heal and learn to love yourself properly, and then you can find a man (if that's what you actually want) who will treat you right.

Sounds like you've been through a lot.

Ideally you'll get to a place where you're content on your own. After that, if you the happen to meet someone who can offer you even more, that's a bonus.

I agree with everyone else. He sounds abusive.

Watch this video and see if anything sounds familiar from his behaviour. Particularly point three.

I actually relate to all of them. The last one about things going well is funny as I got a promotion about a year ago and I'd told him it was going well and he immediately changed the subject and did not acknowledge it, then also moans about me having a work mobile when I now need to. The other worrying point though is that a lot of the points made in that video he's also used against me so I almost feel like I am abusing him

That is worrying. I highly doubt you're abusing him. It's actually very ironic that he accuses you of enjoying being the victim when that's actually his modus operandi.

I've found this before myself when dating unpleasant characters. They love to accuse you of doing the things they're doing. There's always a massive difference between what they're entitled to do and what they think you're entitled to do. For example, it's fine for them to rage, shout, and throw around accusations, but heaven forbid you ever lose your temper in any way. Any insubordination from you must be punished.

I see you've already had Why Does He Do That? recommended. I also strongly recommend reading it. There's a lot of myth busting in there that could help you unpick his influence on you.

Do you feel like you could leave him?

@timewontfly "The other worrying point though is that a lot of the points made in that video he's also used against me so I almost feel like I am abusing him"

And? The conclusion is the same: get out of the toxic dynamic.

"Who is the blame?" is not the primary question. You should be asking yourself "what can I do to have the life I deserve?"

100% this is emotional abuse. It's not because of anything you've done. It's all about his own twisted ideas in his head. He has low self esteem & is trying to make up for it by welding power over you. He's jealous of you, worried that if he doesn't keep you insecure you might decide you don't need him and he'll lose control of you. Don't waste time trying to sort him out or bend yourself out of shape. You can separate perfectly amicably, you can just say you don't think it's working as you don't seem to make each other happy. Don't fall for any sob stories, threats or promises to change. I would plan it carefully before you tell him so you can make a clean break. If you fear he might get violent, try to arrange to move your stuff out when he's not there and leave a note. Don't give him a forwarding address and mute/block him on social media/text. Tell him he can email if there's something important, and if he does, don't rush to reply & of you feel you must, keep it brief, cool & factual. You're not responsible for him. If he says he can't cope, tell him to see his GP. If he starts acting like a stalker, log incidents and inform police as it is an offence. Good luck, you actually sound pretty strong and I think you already know deep down you don't deserve any of this bs.

He’s an abusive bastard.

This is so true about what he is entitled to do as often we will have arguments where he's been totally out of line but then I raise my voice and I'm the abusive one or the one speaking to him like shit. It's all very twisted and I know it probably seems so obvious from my post but I feel like I'm in a literal washing machine when these things happen. It's so hard to understand what's true when my behaviour is not perfect either but I definitely feel like Im the one suffering with no power. I feel like maybe I could leave him eventually but I'd probably have to leave without speaking to him so he doesn't manipulate me as that's what always happens