Oral sex in a stable relationship

[Mimo333]

Hi All! Me and my boyfriend moved in together and naturally we are having now more sex. Almost everytime we have sex we also have oral sex. I was never a big fan of it, I do not necessarily enjoy anyone going down on me (perhaps because I'm not very sensitive down there) and I would enjoy more giving him head more rarely. Also, not sure if it's because of oral sex, but since I am more active sexually with my partner, I had cystitis which doesn't seem to fully treat itself. Don't get me wrong, I am quite open to sexual experiences, but I just don't think is needed to go porn mode each time. I mentioned that to him and he was in a bit of shock and I believe somehow disappointed because he loves giving and taking.
Do you guys think I am crazy ?? Cause I've read more threads and people seem to be doing this a few times a day without any worries.

Has he got an idea that all women love it and he's being a fab lover?
If you don't love it that's totally fine and I am sure there are other things he could do you would both be in to.

Ok so first make sure you get tested for Sti, and treated for the cystitis. Have a wee after sex straight away.

its great that you spoke up about your feelings straight away, good for you!

men sometimes think this is what women want and whilst it can sometimes be true some of the time it's not true all of the time!

Everyone is different when it comes to what they enjoy/ don't enjoy as regards sex.
As pp said its good you have spoken to him and being open with each other and discussing your sex life is the best way.

You should never feel pressurised into doing something you don't like and don't enjoy.

I agree with the above.

The thing is that he sounds like he enjoys giving and receiving.

Obviously, don't do anything you don't want to do, but accept that he's naturally going to feel disappointed.

I wouldn't describe receiving oral sex as 'porn mode' - it's really not anything weird or outlandish. Lots of men love giving oral sex and lots of women love getting it, it's not a porny thing and for lots of people it's always part of foreplay. However, it's absolutely fine if you don't really like it! You shouldn't have to do anything in bed that makes you uncomfortable and it's good that you've been able to have that conversation with your boyfriend so he knows the score - one of the reasons he probably enjoyed doing it was because he thought he was giving you pleasure, so if he knows that you're really into it, he should be fine with not doing it.

Oral sex doesn't increase your risk of cystitis. Penetrative sex certainly can, though. If that feels like it's never really clearing up, though, definitely see your GP in case it's something else - like a different kind of UTI that needs antibiotics, or an STI that needs treating.

Me and my DP almost always start with oral to get us both "ready", but then switch to penetration pretty quickly.

It doesn't have to be a long oral session (although sometimes that's nice), but for us it works to get things going.

But then, we have 3 kids 6 and under including a baby, so if we don't get on with it, there won't be time to finish!

Sorry TMI.

Each to their own. Sex is supposed to be nice. Talk to your partner!

Put it as a positive, that you love having sex with him and want to focus on other stuff that you enjoy more.

Your still learning each others ways, communication is key to a healthy sex life.

I really find your comment on porn mode a little concerning as it indicates to me a possible mismatch in what you both consider 'typical' to your sex life.

Oral to me and partner is very much an every occurrence and always has been. That suits us, but was it an every occurrence up until now for you both?

Of course your preferences need to be included and noone should ever do what they don't want.

But I would find it a little concerning in a relationship if someone wanted to change our 'typical' because it may indicate they felt it was a start of relationship thing only, or they never really enjoyed it, which would be upsetting.

Great you can talk but maybe a little deeper exploring is required?

IMO, oral sex isn’t porn mode- pretty standard for me 🤪
it doesn’t need to be a long drawn out session though.

Not sure I’d ever describe oral sex as ‘full on porn mode’ - it’s always been fairly normal and part of a regular sexual relationship.

Personally I love receiving oral but don’t love giving. However I will give as it’s only fair as I want to receive.

But we’ve all got our preferences and if you really don’t want to do something then you shouldn’t feel obligated

Totally agree with this.

(We also have a baby and so time is very much of the essence😂)

If he's disappointed, it means he has expectations. If you are posting here, it means you are not comfortable with simply being yourself, saying yes to what you want and no to what you don't want.

If he loves and respects you, your feelings will be of paramount importance to you, so there's no issue: you tell him how you feel, and he respects it. If that's not what happens, this issue isn't about sex.

Oral sex is hardly 'porn mode' BUT if you don't like it then tell him, and if you aren't healing from an infection because you're having too much sex slow down on the sex until you've recovered!!

I love oral sex, giving and definitely receiving and I wouldn't consider it even remotely porn modey and we have oral sex probably every time we have sex unless it's not in the bedroom. If you don't enjoy it though then don't do it!

Saw a thing recently about how many men supposedly don't wash their junk properly so no wonder lots of women get cystitis.

Always use condoms imo.
And if you don't like oral, don't do it. Ever.

Sex is for both partners enjoyment. Why would you do something you don't like. There are surely plenty of mutual activities you both enjoy instead.

He may have appeared disappointed because he thought you had been enjoying it. I think I'd be quite upset if I found out my partner had been doing something they didn't really enjoy just to make me happy, I'd probably wonder if there was anything else they didn't feel they could share with me and might be a bit hesitant in case there were other things I'd been doing they didn't like but hadn't said.

Not everyone likes oral sex and there is nothing wrong with that at all. Any normal person cares about the pleasure of their partner and won't enjoy an act if they know their partner isn't 100% enjoying it, that's probably why he enjoys giving it (as he thinks it's enjoyable to the other person) and shocked when you've said you don't after all this time.

Better communication is needed. And definitely speak to your GP about the cystitis not responding to treatment.

My DH really doesn't like oral sex when it's done to him, he says it's frustrating because 'takes him the edge but never any further' no matter how hard I suck try, and as for myself, I can take it or leave it.

I don’t like receiving oral sex at all. Men are often shocked because they think all women love it and they think they are sooo good at it. But at the end of the day it’s my preference not a reflection of their skills and you don’t have to do a sexual act you don’t enjoy just because your partner wants you to. Tell him it’s less work for him and he will get more attention. If he sulks or tries to pressure you then have a serious conversation and nip that in the bud

Also got to your GP or a pharmacist about the cystitis if you have already tried the over the counter sachets, you may need antibiotics

Oral sex in a stable? Neigh chance.

Maybe he just isn't doing it right? What the hell is porn mode???

My husband loves going down on me but sometimes I'm not ready for it when he is, so I prefer other kinds of touching that don't involve my genitals.

He is also great with his hands! None of this is porn related. It is all part of sex in a loving relationship.

And don't feel like you have to use terms like "crazy" to describe your feelings. It invalidates your valid concerns and questions.

how is oral sex porn mode??

I find it weird you see oral sex as 'porn mode', it's completely normal and not just something that happens in porn.

But don't like it, don't do it.

I didn't like receiving when married to my first DH as he was dreadful at it, current DH is bloody amazing and now I love it.

Even when your partner is very 'good' at oral, giving multiple orgasms almost immediately, it can still get a bit boring! Also sometimes after all that, I haven't the energy to do the same for him? Though I do enjoy giving it as well.
Everyone is different. If your up for it, maybe guide him a bit on what you like, if you need more pressure, or for him use a toy/fingers at the same time etc, there's a chance you could start to enjoy it.
But never ever feel coerced to do anything sexually you don't feel like. You can sometimes do it, sometimes not. You don't 'owe' him oral.

Exactly what I was going to say

Lots of great advice above - I just wanted to add one about the cystitis... drink a pint of cranberry juice. When I first got together with my (now) husband, I suffered badly too. Had antibiotics etc. then a nurse friend told me about the cranberry juice and I found within an hour of drinking it, the problem was completely resolved! Tastes foul, but definitely worth it.

I’d say it’s a pretty standard sexual act whether it’s been 10 weeks or 10 years. Men seem to think women love receiving and IME keep talking about how much they enjoy giving it.

Whether it’s been 10 weeks or 10 years, you shouldn’t do something you don’t want to do, so you’ve done the right thing telling him. He might be disappointed more because he thought he was doing something lovely and considerate and it turned out all this time you were not enjoying it. Sexual confidence is usually a much bigger deal for men, if it’s knocked they struggle.

Generally though I’m not sure if it’s standard to be expect sex to be adventurous at the start and then die a bit once it’s ‘stable’. I’m the other way around, wouldn’t be too adventurous and open in a new relationship as there’s less trust and synchronicity, whereas as mutual trust grows over months/ years and people can be more open, I’d say it becomes more interesting and better? No?