Kids and relationship - "I'm sad when I'm not with you"

[RedFence]

It would be really helpful to get some advice & and perspective. I would be really grateful. Caveat that I do think I am being unreasonable.

Context: i am a single mother to two boys, the youngest is 9 and has a dual diagnosis, and the eldest is 14. I have been single for a long time, albeit some dating, but haven't had anything serious enough to introduce to the boys since their Dad left 8 years ago. I know I have low self esteem.

The last 1.5 years has been the most turbulent, we left our private rent which we loved, and withing 7 months had to move 3 times, during which we had a short period of homelessness when my Mother let us all stay in a very small room sharing a bed and we stayed in hotels. I then bought a house, we didn't really want this house but we had to go somewhere, this house has had so many problems, leaking roof, sewage coming in, no insulation, it's been incredibly stressful.

In the meantime, I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years with a man who has no children, is older than me, and isn't close to his family. He has been a godsend in lots of ways, I honestly don't know what I would have done without him at certain points, he has been generous with his time, kind, he made me feel loved. He says this is the best relationship he's ever had, he's never felt this way before, he told me he loved me 2 weeks after meeting, tells me he wants to marry me. There have been issues along the way too, he doesn't take responsibility for making decisions, it feels like the bones of the relationship are up to me to maintain, he had a long standing addiction to masturbating and subsequently has DE which he cannot cope with (sometimes throwing his phone or punching a wall etc when it happens) and lacks drive to improve his life even though he is unhappy it seems.

My sons do not know we are together. They have met him a couple of times when he swooped in during a crisis, but they do not know we are together.

The issue is that he is now incredibly unhappy at being 'in the background', he has always sulked at me when I don't see him, he sometimes doesn't answer the phone, or will be very quiet on the phone, he won't phone me ever, but if he misses a call from me he accuses me of not communicating. He is no longer replaying to my messages, and if we talk on the phone, it feels strained and awkward. He talks about how grumpy he is and how he's just waiting around for me. He's on annual leave and has done a lot of work to his flat, but apparently that is only to break boredom whilst he waits for me.

I am really struggling to let go, given all the time he has given me and all the help, and still feeling very overwhelmed in my house and all the work it needs, I also really do care for him. I genuinely want him to be happy and hate that I'm causing him so much hurt. At the same time, I feel in my gut I do not want to start integrating him into our lives.

Maybe it's a bigger conversation, but I absolutely adore my sons, we are finally in a good place, we spend a lot of time together, I love planning things for us to do, I get so much out of being around them and being their Mother. I'm in a good place at work in a fairly demanding job, and part of that feels like this shift in perspective and seeing work, which enables me to provide instead of ugghh work!

Should I just let him go? I'm not meeting his needs in a relationship, and I don't think he's meeting mine?

I'm so sorry this is so long, it's poured out of me!

Sounds like he has been a "white knight" but also seems to be manipulating you, but difficult to diagnose without knowing his side. The throwing things around would be a deal breaker alone for me. Prob best to throw this one back and spend time with your boys. They prob know more than you think, and he does not sound a good role model, even if they have not met him much.

Your boyfriend sounds horrible. Don’t do what he wants, it wouldn’t be in your or your DCs’ best interests, and stop dating him.

I feel in my gut I do not want to start integrating him into our lives

That's it then. You're not meeting each other's needs. Of course it's hard, but he's not exactly Mr Perfect, is he? You're airbrushing over quite a lot of serious issues, can you see that?

Just tell him it's over, you're on different paths. And stand out of the way in case he chooses throwing something rather than sulking as a response. He sounds like he has emotional maturity suitable for nursery.

I'm so sorry this is so long, it's poured out of me

Also, this. This doesn't happen when people feel listened to, heard, and respected.

I think it’s time to go into your future without him.

Please don’t integrate a man who punches walks into your children’s life.

Throw this one back and don’t feel guilty about it. His issues are his issues, and I personally wouldn’t want them anywhere near my children.

Unfortunately you don't want what he wants. After 2 years I think i would be aggrieved if I was still being hidden away, there's not rushing them glacial pace! You need to have a serious think about what you want, and if this doesn't match with him then you need to go your separate ways. From what you say you don't want to integrate him, this isn't going to work long term

You should absolutely let him go.

He sounds deeply manipulative. Immature in how he handles his emotions and life choices. Poor emotional regulation. Demanding and needy.

You on the other hand sound amazing, strong, sorted, capable.

Keep on building your own life. You are in a good place.

That man will drag you down. He’s already making you feel responsible for his unhappiness at failing to build a life for himself. ( ‘all I do is wait around for you’ 🙄)

You’ve taken responsibility for building your life.

And He’s responsible for his life, not you.

It's absolutely fine tonacknowledgenthat someone was there for you and just what you needed at the time but that they aren't right for you anymore.

It's not you or any 'unreasonableness' on your part that has led to this.

1. you've had some incredibly tough times to deal.with over the last couple of years and

2. he's being an arse. He sulks, he is grumpy he has a 'masturbation' addiction (I'm assuming that's to porn?), he doesn't take responsibility for decision making and has shown tendencies towards violence.

His 'needs' that you are not meeting? They are demands and he is punishing you for not giving him what he wants. Of course, he can feel disappointed that he isn't seeing you more but that's not what he's communicating is it? He's communicating that he's a petty, selfish man who is happy to strop when he doesn't get his own way. Is that someone you want in your chiden's lives?

Don't feel guilty or bad for him. Stop that. Look at how he is asking you feel. In thebansence of you actually being a dick towards him, he is responsible for his happiness and you are responsible for yours.

And let's just imagine for a second that he is right. That you are unreasonable, that you do keep him in the background etc. He should be communicating that to you in a healthy way. Not sulking, ignoring you and throwing things. He's not a child.

No. I wouldn't want this near my children either.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, and thank you for reading my long post!

I think in lots of ways he's a good person, I feel he genuinely cares about me, but he gets angry and resentful that he's not part of our lives in the way he wants. I do absolutely understand that 2 years is a long time for him, and I absolutely see there is a degree of me not being fair. It never felt like the right time with everything else going on, I wanted the ground to be stable and firm as possible whilst all these home moves were happening. And now, although we're more settled, I can see the flaws in the relationship and I just 'have a feeling'.

He is quite fast moving in previous relationships, his last was 12 years with a single parent and they moved in together after a couple of months which is crazy to me. There was another single parent before that and he moved in after a couple of weeks.

He also cycles as his hobby, has lots of bikes and done it for years, but even when he goes out on his bike it's "oh it was okay, better than being bored". I noticed a couple of months ago that I had stopped calling on my way into the office on office days because I felt some of the life drain away and I felt I was managing his emotions.

It sounds like your gut is 100% right. You should be enjoying your hard won stability now, rather than trying to manage the emotions of another adult.

Of coursenthere will be good thngs about him. No one is all bad or never nice.

Itsnthebwhole package that you need to look at though and how someone manages their emotions and deals with conflict is far more important than them making early declarations of love etc (most of which would be a red flag anyway).

Moving in with a previous single mother after a few months is definitely red flag territory. As is pushing to move the relationship along faster than you feel comfortable with.

Trust your gut on this

You are staying with him because you are managing his emotions, aren't you? Because of how much time he's invested, and because you don't want him hurt?

How much does he concern himself with your emotions when he's sulking?

So he

Love bombs
Gets angry/ punch's things
Sulks
Expects you to entertain him
Has a addiction to mastabating
Tries to manipulate you to move faster despite everything you have been through and the fact it's not best for your kids

Honestly don't do it

How pathetic he's 'waiting for you' does he have no life of his own. And moving in quickly with single mothers makes him look like a cocklodger or a man who wants a live in housekeeper.

Honestly it doesn't matter whether he's a good guy or not. You feel in your gut it is over, so it's over. You just need one last burst of strength to say goodbye. I feel like you've got through lots of difficult things already and can probably do this last one.

So he has a pattern of targeting single mothers.

There are a number of reasons a man may do that, ranging from relatively benign (wants someone to be his mum) all the way to outright evil (looking for access to children.)

Leaving that aside, this relationship isn't meeting your needs. It's draining your energy. You mentioned in your OP that you gave low self esteem - maybe you could decide to look into what could help you build your self esteem so that you're not in danger of falling into a similar relationship in future? You sound awesome and like you just need some help to recognise that.

He, OTOH, sounds like a right pillock.

Please don’t feel you owe him.

You have the right to end it and it seems that’s best for you all.

What is DE?

Follow your gut. End of.

but I absolutely adore my sons, we are finally in a good place, we spend a lot of time together, I love planning things for us to do, I get so much out of being around them and being their Mother. I'm in a good place at work in a fairly demanding job, and part of that feels like this shift in perspective and seeing work, which enables me to provide instead of ugghh work!

Please do not jeopardise any of this for a man who when he's not wonderful (lovebombing), is incapable of managing life tasks, an addict with DE and a propensity for violence.

You have done amazingly well to get through the shit life has dealt you, and are worth much more than he can offer you. Let him go 💐.

I'm really proud of how you've approached this relationship slowly and at a distance with your previous history, and taken into account how quickly he likes to move things along especially with previous single mothers! We see so many women on here move from one shitty relationship straight into another, so it's SO refreshing to see how strong you are and how you are putting your babies first.

And I can only echo what others are saying - throw him back. You are dodging a massive bullet!

End the relationship. After what you and your boys have been through, the last thing you need is a man in your house that punches walls and breaks stuff. 💯 not good for you or your children.

The 3 of enjoy your freedom and your family unit.

Red flags all over him, your kids don't need this.

I'm embarrassed to be reaching out again...but I couldn't bring myself to break it off yet, I think very selfishly from a fear of being alone, or at least having very little support. The house has had quite a few issues (sewage coming in, collapsed roof), and although he wouldn't pay for anything or carry out any work, he was there.

I am an absolute coward and hate the way I haven't dealt with the situation at all, I haven't been as clear as I should have. I have told him that I don't believe the relationship is working, I'm very aware I don't meet his needs, I have been clear that when things are bad like this I will not spend time with him and my sons out of guilt.

But the situation is untenable, he is utterly miserable, likely depressed, he has nothing positive to say whatsoever. He is on annual leave, hasn't left the house but once, when he said he walked around in a trance feeling sad because of me. He is crying, every conversation is just about how awful he feels, and I am the cause because I don't spend enough time with him. He says he doesn't want to see people he knows as he doesn't want to lie to them about how he is and about this 'non-existent ' relationship.

It's his birthday, and I can't see him as my son has a football game in the morning. When I write that it sounds awful, but it's my sons passion, it's the only time he really socialises outside school and it's his second team which is at the top division and loves playing. But awful. I can see him tomorrow and obviously will drive through as soon as possible.

I'm not handling this at all and I'm angry at my self that I've let this grumble on, and that I'm hurting someone so much.