It would be really helpful to get some advice & and perspective. I would be really grateful. Caveat that I do think I am being unreasonable.
Context: i am a single mother to two boys, the youngest is 9 and has a dual diagnosis, and the eldest is 14. I have been single for a long time, albeit some dating, but haven't had anything serious enough to introduce to the boys since their Dad left 8 years ago. I know I have low self esteem.
The last 1.5 years has been the most turbulent, we left our private rent which we loved, and withing 7 months had to move 3 times, during which we had a short period of homelessness when my Mother let us all stay in a very small room sharing a bed and we stayed in hotels. I then bought a house, we didn't really want this house but we had to go somewhere, this house has had so many problems, leaking roof, sewage coming in, no insulation, it's been incredibly stressful.
In the meantime, I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years with a man who has no children, is older than me, and isn't close to his family. He has been a godsend in lots of ways, I honestly don't know what I would have done without him at certain points, he has been generous with his time, kind, he made me feel loved. He says this is the best relationship he's ever had, he's never felt this way before, he told me he loved me 2 weeks after meeting, tells me he wants to marry me. There have been issues along the way too, he doesn't take responsibility for making decisions, it feels like the bones of the relationship are up to me to maintain, he had a long standing addiction to masturbating and subsequently has DE which he cannot cope with (sometimes throwing his phone or punching a wall etc when it happens) and lacks drive to improve his life even though he is unhappy it seems.
My sons do not know we are together. They have met him a couple of times when he swooped in during a crisis, but they do not know we are together.
The issue is that he is now incredibly unhappy at being 'in the background', he has always sulked at me when I don't see him, he sometimes doesn't answer the phone, or will be very quiet on the phone, he won't phone me ever, but if he misses a call from me he accuses me of not communicating. He is no longer replaying to my messages, and if we talk on the phone, it feels strained and awkward. He talks about how grumpy he is and how he's just waiting around for me. He's on annual leave and has done a lot of work to his flat, but apparently that is only to break boredom whilst he waits for me.
I am really struggling to let go, given all the time he has given me and all the help, and still feeling very overwhelmed in my house and all the work it needs, I also really do care for him. I genuinely want him to be happy and hate that I'm causing him so much hurt. At the same time, I feel in my gut I do not want to start integrating him into our lives.
Maybe it's a bigger conversation, but I absolutely adore my sons, we are finally in a good place, we spend a lot of time together, I love planning things for us to do, I get so much out of being around them and being their Mother. I'm in a good place at work in a fairly demanding job, and part of that feels like this shift in perspective and seeing work, which enables me to provide instead of ugghh work!
Should I just let him go? I'm not meeting his needs in a relationship, and I don't think he's meeting mine?
I'm so sorry this is so long, it's poured out of me!