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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband unfaithful 3.0

36 replies

anonamum123 · 30/07/2024 15:12

I recently wrote a thread titled 'husband unfaithful' and another 'husband unfaithful 2.0'

Ok, so I'm looking for more advice please!

My husband had a very brief emotional affair, he's 43 and she is 22, we have 2 kids 9&6.. I am 33 for reference and we've been together for 15 years, married for 2. The girl was a server in OUR business.

Since then, I am trying to stay and trust him again.. He's saying all the right things but his actions don't match up. I found out 2 weeks ago she was messaging him, it was work related apparently! But he had locked the chat on Whatsapp and put a code on it. I only noticed because his screen flashed up and it didnt say the name, when i went to see, it asked me for a secret code to open it. He said he was trying to get her to go away gradually instead of telling her not to contact him? I asked him to send her a message explaining this was no longer ok, and to not contact him, if he wanted us to work... He did that. She 'liked' the msg and to my knowledge hasnt contacted him.

Since then, last Thursday, my sister died unexpectedly... Myself and my family are obviously devastated. I looked on his phone at the weekend and he tried to call her on Saturday morning!!!! She didnt answer. When questioned, he said he was calling her to clarify that she could no longer contact him especially due to the trauma and grief i am experiencing. She didn't answer, and i obv said he should have already got the clarity needed when he sent her the text. Why can't he leave her alone? Their messages lasted 2 weeks, he'd only known her for 2 weeks before he started messaging her - I can't figure it out?! It was nothing... He said it could be a control thing, he needed a response from her but she didnt give him it.

Help me please, I am foggy!

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 30/07/2024 15:15

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss.

secondly, this man does not respect you and is not sorry for his past behaviour.

if his affair truly was a “moment of madness” or a mistake he would have been so terrified at the thought of losing you once you found out that he’d never contact this woman again. The truth is, he knows he can get away with it so will continue.

savethatkitty · 30/07/2024 15:17

I'm sorry for the loss of your Sister.

Focus on grieving. When the dust settles, ditch your husband. He's a piece of shit. He's not calling her to tell her to not contact him. I'm sorry but don't believe a word he says.

DreadPirateRobots · 30/07/2024 15:18

he said he was calling her to clarify that she could no longer contact him

You realise this is an obvious and absurd lie, right?

You were very young when you got together and he was ten years older. He's a selfish dickhead who likes young, naive, manipulable women. He won't change.

ginasevern · 30/07/2024 15:22

I'm so sorry about your sister. Your DH is treating you like a fool but I suspect you already know this. Men, when they're having affairs (emotional or otherwise) gaslight you to the extent that you really, really doubt yourself. Especially if you've been with them a long time and have DC. Don't doubt yourself. He's lying through his teeth. If a good friend of yours was in this situation what would you tell them?

LifeExperience · 30/07/2024 15:26

I'm so sorry for your sudden loss, OP. It's very difficult.

I was a cheated-on wife, and he will not change. He can't leave her alone because he doesn't want to. Please don't believe anything he says--cheaters are liars. He will continue to cheat until you end it. He doesn't love you and certainly has no respect for you if he could lie to your face right after your dsis passed.

Hope is not a strategy. Concentrate on getting through the worst of the grief about your sister and then move on to a new life.

Girlmom35 · 30/07/2024 15:28

Im so sorry for your loss

I'm also sorry that you've married a lying, cheating POS
When he apologises, realise that he's only sorry for getting caught. Not for the hurt he's caused you. If he cared at all about how this affected you, he would have thrown his phone off a cliff for you, blocked and deleted her number and given you full access to everything he does and everywhere he goes.
He's still thinking of himself as nr 1. He needs a reply... No, he needed his ego stroked and couldn't even wait for you to be done grieving your sister to do it. Shameless.

MounjaroUser · 30/07/2024 15:28

I'm so sorry about your sister. It must be terrible. Think of her standing strong behind you as you deal with this complete and utter cheating bastard. What would she want you to do?

Beth216 · 30/07/2024 15:32

I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister - and that your husband is a lying arse.

loropianalover · 30/07/2024 15:35

Why can't he leave her alone?

Because he’s weak and a bad partner.

He cheated on you with her. He locked a WhatsApp chat to have secret conversations with her. All of that is terrible, but THEN…. your sister was dead less than 48hrs and he just had to ring this woman, instead of being wrapped in the throws of grief with you. Not even someone’s untimely death could distract him from his own wants, not for 2 fucking days.

LizzieBennett73 · 30/07/2024 15:38

He's doing it because he can. He's been given the green light to hurt you when you said stay.

Get through your loss first, you're in no state to deal with his wandering hands right now, but when you're strong enough again, tell him to fuck off and stay there. I'm so very sorry for your loss

RivkaTheBold · 30/07/2024 15:57

I'm so sorry for your loss.

He's a liar and a cheat. I hope you can find peace.

Lwrenn · 30/07/2024 15:57

I'm so sorry for your loss x

If years of these threads have taught me anything it's that we don't always do what's the best thing for us.
Because of the heart and head situation.

I'd ignore my heart and get the best legal advice you can.
He is not only trying to cheat on her physically, a fucking liar and gaslighter, he's also a creep. Not only her boss but old enough to be her dad.

Take him the cleaners and dont waste any more time, 33 you're so young, get divorced, have lots of wonderful experiences.

And once again sorry for your loss 💐

ElliLovesDogs · 30/07/2024 16:02

3.0? wtf are you still doing with him? Hes taking the piss out of you. Get legal advice, dicks in a row and get out asap

WeeOrcadian · 30/07/2024 16:03

I'm so sorry for your loss OP

He's a creep, a liar, and a bastard

thiscantbemylife · 30/07/2024 16:15

Hi OP I’m so sorry for your loss.
I am sorry you don’t have the partner you thought you did to support you in this time.

your attention shouldn’t have to be on what he’s doing and some 22 year old barely of age women.

im a few years younger thank you OP my ex did similar and would always look dumbfounded and just lie or make out he couldn’t cut contact because of work.

every excuse under the sun and we plodded on for a year til he abruptly just left and cut contact with me. We had kids been together almost a decade and it turned out he never cut her off.

If he was genuinely worried of loosing you or had a moment of madness like others suggested he wouldn’t be going through the effort to sneak around and wouldn’t dare to look more suspicious but what is he doing OP? He is being more secretive and still cheating by the looks of it.

Your sister passing is so saddening his attention especially now should not of even flickered for another person. He should surely be grieving himself? He must of known her too and known how horrific this is but he cares for what he says is not wanting to cut contact to quickly with a 22 year old staff from work who will probably move on from that job in a matter of months.

Fucking shocking but you need to wake up he is not there for you in your time of need he will not be there for you for the day to day. You cannot trust him to do that right thing.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Lmnop22 · 30/07/2024 17:24

Obviously you don’t call someone to tell them not to talk to you.

He clearly is still very much in lust with this woman and he wants to talk to her and call her because he has feelings for her.

He probably expected her to be upset when he said they could no longer speak and when she wasn’t he’s sought further contact because he misses her. Or perhaps he told her to expect messages like that if you ever found out and he’s taken it back and continued the communication via text but its hidden better this time.

the problem is he lied and hidden contact and you can’t trust him. Its done.

Channellingsophistication · 30/07/2024 17:29

So sorry for the loss of your sister. I would focus on grieving for your sister then turn to your marriage.

It’s obviously absurd that you would call someone to tell them to not call you. He is clearly thrilled by the attention of this younger woman and whilst the women may change, he never will. Actions always speak louder than words ALWAYS. If he was distraught at the thought of losing you, he would stop.

ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 30/07/2024 17:32

So sorry for the grief of your sister. Well my opinion is he can't keep away from her. She's 22 his like a lovesick puppy it's disgusting. I think you need to end your marriage. She could be his daughter is horrible.

ActualChips · 30/07/2024 17:34

ElliLovesDogs · 30/07/2024 16:02

3.0? wtf are you still doing with him? Hes taking the piss out of you. Get legal advice, dicks in a row and get out asap

Dicks in a row 😄
Once you've grieved, divorce him.

He preyed on you as a teenager and now he's preying on a woman he has authority over. Disgusting man.

StormingNorman · 30/07/2024 17:41

I’m so sorry about your sister OP.

He was a 28 year old man with his sights on an 18 year old girl when he met you. It’s legal but creepy.

Now he’s 43 chatting to a 22 year old. You have yourself a Dicaprio.

Take some time to deal with your sister’s passing, heal from that and then focus on what you want to do about your marriage.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 30/07/2024 18:15

Well his intention is to get into her knickers isn’t it while you’re distracted.

If she’s not responding he’s unfaithful and unattractive.

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/07/2024 18:21

It seems he is lusting after her which is creepy and desperate as she’s only 22. You’re still very young at 33 and I think you should consider your options here.

GreatTheCat · 30/07/2024 18:35

I'm sorry for your loss.

Dump him. He is telling you lies.

Cherrysoup · 30/07/2024 20:07

I’m so sorry for your loss. Worrying about his idiocy is the last thing you need! Concentrate on your family and yourself, ignore him bar ensuring he does more than his fair share to support you at this difficult time.

MummyJ36 · 30/07/2024 20:13

Sigh…..

OP I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. You need to take time to grieve. But please, when you have the headspace, take a moment to think if you are happy for this to be your life and relationship dynamic for the foreseeable. He will keep doing things like this. He will. And I think deep down you know it. You need to make a decision if you are happy to continue living like this. Do you not think you deserve better? Do your children not deserve better?

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