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Original poster

Husband unfaithful 3.0

36 replies

anonamum123 · 30/07/2024 15:12

I recently wrote a thread titled 'husband unfaithful' and another 'husband unfaithful 2.0'

Ok, so I'm looking for more advice please!

My husband had a very brief emotional affair, he's 43 and she is 22, we have 2 kids 9&6.. I am 33 for reference and we've been together for 15 years, married for 2. The girl was a server in OUR business.

Since then, I am trying to stay and trust him again.. He's saying all the right things but his actions don't match up. I found out 2 weeks ago she was messaging him, it was work related apparently! But he had locked the chat on Whatsapp and put a code on it. I only noticed because his screen flashed up and it didnt say the name, when i went to see, it asked me for a secret code to open it. He said he was trying to get her to go away gradually instead of telling her not to contact him? I asked him to send her a message explaining this was no longer ok, and to not contact him, if he wanted us to work... He did that. She 'liked' the msg and to my knowledge hasnt contacted him.

Since then, last Thursday, my sister died unexpectedly... Myself and my family are obviously devastated. I looked on his phone at the weekend and he tried to call her on Saturday morning!!!! She didnt answer. When questioned, he said he was calling her to clarify that she could no longer contact him especially due to the trauma and grief i am experiencing. She didn't answer, and i obv said he should have already got the clarity needed when he sent her the text. Why can't he leave her alone? Their messages lasted 2 weeks, he'd only known her for 2 weeks before he started messaging her - I can't figure it out?! It was nothing... He said it could be a control thing, he needed a response from her but she didnt give him it.

Help me please, I am foggy!

OP posts:
SauviGone · 30/07/2024 20:21

He messaged her to tell her not to contact him again.

Then he felt that he had to call her, to tell her not to contact him again.

What's next? He needs to meet her, to tell her not to contact him again?

He's really done a number on you, and on her. Creepy bastard.

LoneHydrangea · 30/07/2024 20:24

I suspect you’re putting off the inevitable. If not with this woman, his head will be turned again by another. I’d throw him out as I’m worth so much more, and so are you.

Pumpkindoodles · 30/07/2024 20:29

I’m sorry, I haven’t read your first two threads, but in the kindest possible way I’m not sure what you’re trying to work out here. It sounds like he was willing to throw your marriage away over someone he’d known 2 weeks. You need his support and still he’s contacting her.
he’s actively pursuing her when she’s not even trying. I don’t know what advice you were given on the other two threads but I can’t imagine it’s going to be much different here.
I hope you can take time to grieve and then leave him.

MsDogLady · 31/07/2024 01:13

My condolences on the loss of your sister, @anonamum123.

I commented on your other threads (6/19, 7/10), and am not surprised that your H isn’t letting OW go. He has even told his mother ‘I can’t shift the feeling of missing the girl I was texting.’

He was also unfaithful in this manner 12 years ago. His current infidelity and subsequent behavior show that he is not truly remorseful and committed to moving mountains to help you heal:

(1) He was love-bombing your young employee — giving her lifts and having drinks with her in his car, telling her ‘I can’t stop thinking about you, ‘You look so hot,’ You’re driving me nuts.’

(2) On Dday, he didn’t reassure you that he loves you. He said he needed time to ‘figure this out’ and ‘would make it up to you over time.’

(3) He is confiding in his mother, hence the statement above re pining for OW. MIL is supportive to your face but not in their messages, where she criticizes your reaction to his cheating. They both have been pressuring you to participate in a holiday you are conflicted about, accusing you of not valuing the children’s best interests.

(4) On his first night out after being rumbled, he was 1.5 hours late arriving home, which understandably caused you anxiety. A remorseful man seriously committed to your recovery would not have done this.

(5) It’s outrageous that he and OW have still been messaging. She messaged him 2 weeks ago and he locked/coded it to keep you out. He claims it was about work, but on 6/19 you said she had left the job the week before. He admitted that he was letting OW down slowly, which of course meant he couldn’t let her go — continued betrayal. Per your instructions, he sent her a goodbye message, but it was phony, as he was trying to contact her after your sister passed.

I’m sorry, @anonamum123. You are flogging a dead horse. He is obsessed and is still reaching out to OW and making a mockery of you. He continues to be ‘in infidelity.’ It would absolutely be game over for me.

3CustardCreams · 31/07/2024 01:29

Unbelievable. Your sister has just died unexpectedly. He has no reason to be calling this woman. Calling her to tell her to stop contacting him is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard. Men talk to and chase women only when they want to. He wants to talk to her

I am so sorry about your sister. Your partner is not a good man.

Inthetropics · 31/07/2024 02:19

I'm so sorry for your loss! 💐

Your husband is not worth it. Deep down you already have your answer, sometimes it's just dificult to accept it and go through the pain that comes with a divorce.

WhichEllie · 31/07/2024 02:19

He used the distraction of your sister’s death as a cover to get back in touch with the other woman.

Stay with him?? I’d fucking murder him and bury what was left of him under the patio. How dare he. What kind of subhuman vermin does that?

I’m so sorry, OP. You deserve so much better.

GreyCarpet · 31/07/2024 08:13

he said he was calling her to clarify that she could no longer contact him

Well, thats bollocks isnt it? Logically, it makes no sense. If you texted someone to tell them to not contact you again and they didn't, you wouldn't the call them at a later date to reiterate the message. It just doesn't make any sense, does it?

He's lying to you. It's written in everything you've said about him and his responses to conversations about this woman. Eg locking their messages because he's letting her down slowly? That just means the messages are continuing.

Very sorry about your sister. How awful for you all.

GreyCarpet · 31/07/2024 08:15

MsDogLady · 31/07/2024 01:13

My condolences on the loss of your sister, @anonamum123.

I commented on your other threads (6/19, 7/10), and am not surprised that your H isn’t letting OW go. He has even told his mother ‘I can’t shift the feeling of missing the girl I was texting.’

He was also unfaithful in this manner 12 years ago. His current infidelity and subsequent behavior show that he is not truly remorseful and committed to moving mountains to help you heal:

(1) He was love-bombing your young employee — giving her lifts and having drinks with her in his car, telling her ‘I can’t stop thinking about you, ‘You look so hot,’ You’re driving me nuts.’

(2) On Dday, he didn’t reassure you that he loves you. He said he needed time to ‘figure this out’ and ‘would make it up to you over time.’

(3) He is confiding in his mother, hence the statement above re pining for OW. MIL is supportive to your face but not in their messages, where she criticizes your reaction to his cheating. They both have been pressuring you to participate in a holiday you are conflicted about, accusing you of not valuing the children’s best interests.

(4) On his first night out after being rumbled, he was 1.5 hours late arriving home, which understandably caused you anxiety. A remorseful man seriously committed to your recovery would not have done this.

(5) It’s outrageous that he and OW have still been messaging. She messaged him 2 weeks ago and he locked/coded it to keep you out. He claims it was about work, but on 6/19 you said she had left the job the week before. He admitted that he was letting OW down slowly, which of course meant he couldn’t let her go — continued betrayal. Per your instructions, he sent her a goodbye message, but it was phony, as he was trying to contact her after your sister passed.

I’m sorry, @anonamum123. You are flogging a dead horse. He is obsessed and is still reaching out to OW and making a mockery of you. He continues to be ‘in infidelity.’ It would absolutely be game over for me.

Ah, I remember your previous threads now.

Oh, OP, this is not a marriage you can save. It's already over.

rainbowstardrops · 31/07/2024 08:24

I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your sister.
Your husband should be by your side supporting you completely, not bloody contacting, or trying to contact, this other woman. He's a piece of shit for that alone.

sadabouti · 31/07/2024 08:40

Your husband gets off on attracting younger woman. He did it with you when you were 18, and he's doing it again. He'll keep doing it. The age of the women may increase as he gets older though as few 18-25 year olds are interested in 50+ men. But they will always be younger than him. You either turn a blind eye or leave him.

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