Anyone with a large age gap relationship?

[TallulahBetty]

Been on a few dates recently with a man 20 years older than me. Known him for years but only back in contact 6 months ago, after I was separated from husband (divorced now). He has been a huge support to me as his marriage broke down at a similar age to mine.

Everything is going well, no red flags etc, but I do worry about the age gap, especially as we both get older (he is 60 and I am 40).

I suppose I'm after positive stories from people with similar age gaps - did it work out? Will the gap seem larger as time goes on? Should I stop worrying about this and just live in the moment?

My partner is 16 years younger than me. He is 43 and I am 59. We've been together for two years. I am mindful of the gap and am doing everything I can to stay in excellent physical and mental health.

I do think of what the future might look like when I am 80 and he is 64. Also, realising there is nothing I can do to close the gap😂. We are just living and enjoying each other right now.

Depends on the person ime.. Second dh was 15 years older than me. I was 28 when we met.. He aged quickly mentally. And tbh when we split 8 years later so did his physical health.

I remarried a man 10 years my junior. Much better suited..

Me and my partner have a 22 year age gap. We've been together for 5 years, are engaged and very happy! What I would say is make sure your views and values align. Despite there being a big age gap, me and my partner have a lot in common, we like the same things and are very much aligned in how we live life, the age gap doesn't ever come into our minds day to day. I'm head over heels in love with him 5 years on, he still gives me butterflies! (As cringe as that sounds) Although he is 'young' for his age, nobody ever guesses we have such a big age gap.

I did wobble at the start of our relationship about the gap but I really just thought, what is the point if I'm happy? I think this life is very short and fleeting, if someone makes you happy, roll with it.

18 years between me and DH. Been together 30+ years. Now that he’s in his 70s, it’s getting a lot tougher. He’s always had health issues but now has more significant medical conditions which dominate our life and I’m aware at how restrictive they make things - we’ll almost certainly never holiday abroad again, for example.

I don’t have regrets BUT I had all the good times with him when I was 20s-40s and he was 40s-early 60s. I’m not sure I’d want to risk only taking on the carer end of things without having those shared memories of the more carefree times that went before. The age gap genuinely never bothered me when we were both younger. Now I’m much more aware of it, and starting to struggle with anticipatory grief.

Twenty, even ten years ago I’d have wholeheartedly said “go for it!” but now, at those sort of ages, I’d be more circumspect. Not saying “no, don’t” if you’re happy together and you share the important values, but just sounding a note of caution to be aware of the kind of future that, while not guaranteed, is more likely, actuarially speaking.

Go for it . Nobody knows how long a relationship will last , it is the now that's important, rather than some hypothetical bad thing that may happen in the future.

Once again, thank you all. We have a date later that could turn into something more, so that will be another test as to how compatible we are!

You can certainly live in the moment right now.
However, I can tell you that in 10 years - the age difference will be much worse.

I got divorced in my mid 40s. All of my single friends are around 50 now. None find 70yo men attractive and would consider dating them. Most date younger, or men in their 50s.

You are only 40. Don’t do it to yourself. Unless he is filthy rich…. (just kidding, obv)

Sorry just to add. My dad being 20 years younger died at 54. My mum lived another 15 years in good health until she was 90.

My dB is 20 years older than his wife. Fine when they were 30 and 50. Much harder at 74 and 54.
He has become OLD mentally....and physically he's had a couple of health scares. Limits what they do now.

I agree with this. My friends and I are 50+ and still very social. The idea of a man in his 70’s as a partner is about as appealing as thrush if I’m honest. Though we’ve all had men 10/20 years older message us and some get quite offended when we say we’re looking closer to our own age.

Im an old raver - I’m not really going to take a 70 year old to house music all dayers - so friends on how you are as a person and your interests really.

Im 55 and the oldest guy who messaged me for a date was 79! That’s my mums age.

Personally I don’t think I’d date more than 5 years either way older or younger

I have relatives with a 20 year age gap. The younger one did have to look after the older one in the later years. But it worked and they children together. Second relationship for them both. Age is just a number. If it works it works.

@SamW98
Your post made me chuckle……
Yes - me and my friends are ‘very social’ too -and still want men we are with to have a healthy sexual drive and ability. It does start to wane in men after 50. So yes - men in their 70s - are in a very different age group for us.

I think its different for women who settled down and had kids with men with large age gap relationships in their 20s. They have raised a family with those men, and have sort of chose their path.

But picking a much older partner at a more mature age makes a lot less sense to me.

I concur with a lot of the previous posters.

My husband is 20 years older than me, we've been together for 20 years. He's 60, I'm 40.

The age gap didn't mean anything to me when I was younger, but the move into old age (sometimes feels like he is embracing it!) has really changed things for me to the extent that I want to separate. Looking ahead makes me feel that by the time our children are grown I will be looking after him/my parents and I just don't want to do it.

I wouldn't change the last 20 years, but things certainly change on the journey and I would not seriously date someone with a significant age gap again

DH just turned 60. My parents are 77 and 78, his a couple of years older than mine. The difference in those two life stages is very significant. DH is still active, runs several times a week, no plans to retire, etc. He has had some health problems but is well at present.

If I was 40, I might date a 60 yr old but that's as far as I'd go - I wouldn't want to be any more involved than that. As you say, you have enough on your plate and don't want more anyway, but the fact you're asking here means you're contemplating the future, I suppose?

No experience but definitely not for me.
I don't fancy 68 year olds and I'd worry about becoming a carer quickly.
I'd only do up by 5 years or so at my age (48)

I'm 60 and he's 69 , also noticing the age gap now.

What's that got to do with the OP's question? Older parents can have many happy years with their children, with no expectation for the children to become carers or whatever you are implying.

In term of large age gap romantic relationships, they are great when the couple are say 30/50 but when the age gap is 50/70 there is a huge difference in energy levels, with the usually female younger partner still in the prime of her life stuck looking after an increasingly infirm older man. I have seen this happen over the years, and in your case OP, you won't have had the foundation and memory of many years together when you were both at the relatively same stage of life together.

Just wanted to come back and thank you again for your advice. We've been together coming up a year now, and very happy. We have lots in common despite the age gap, and compatible in 99% of ways. Who knows what could happen in the future, but for now... we're enjoying each other!

I’m 65, dh 64. We’re both still working (and planning on continuing) , travelling, going to gigs and festivals . If dh was 85 my life would be very different. My friend, same age as me, had to stop working 5+ years ago to care for her dh . She’s pretty much housebound with a miserable dh. He doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything and anyway he can’t get travel insurance. He doesn’t want her to go anywhere either. We met for a rare lunch out and he kept phoning her because he couldn’t find his glasses, couldn’t remember if he’d taken his medication, was worrying about things. And then finally said he was having pains, so she had to leave. She has no life.

My husband is just over 20 years older than me. We remain on the same page a decade later and that’s what counts. We’re also a mixed race couple which in a small town may explain the looks we sometimes get. Other than that, no issue at all because our personalities fit.